Online Dating Blog

In online dating, you’ll sometimes be in an email conversation with a new person and things seem to be going great. Often there seems to be a strong connection and the conversation couldn’t flow better. Then, unexpectedly the person you are emailing stops responding. You might then think, “What did I do wrong? Why aren’t they emailing me anymore?”

This topic, where someone stops responding to your emails, is one that I’ve covered here before. However, it’s one of the areas that I get contacted on a lot where I’m consistently able to help people “fix” the problem of the unresponsive person. Now, I’m not promising I can help everyone out there…but I’ve seen the advice I offer work often enough that I like to cover it from time to time.

Don’t Do This…

First off, don’t ever write someone an angry email when they stop responding to you. This seems like the best approach to make sure that the continue to not communicate with you. And I don’t think that’s what most of us want.

The angry email is ineffective because it creates an awkward situation. If you are right in your anger, it will only make them feel guilty and that makes them less likely to email you again. On the other hand, if you are wrong and they had a good reason to stop responding (a family emergency for example) then you only end up looking a bit stalker-like, or if not that you’ll still look like a risk to many people.

So even if you feel angry, don’t show it. Only write an angry email if your goal is to see them not communicate with you again.

The Approach to Getting the Conversation Going Again

So if you shouldn’t send an angry email when they stop responding, what should you do? Here’s my formula that I’ve seen have lots of success:

1. Wait a few days for them to respond. If you’re reading this and the last time you sent them an email was yesterday, try to have a bit more patience. I’d say wait 5 days if you can, although I know that is hard.
2. After you’ve waited and know for sure that they’re not writing back, write them an email and start it off by apologizing to them for not being in contact with them. Emphasize that your life has been busy as the reason.
3. Explain that life has been busy and talk a bit about what has been going on in your life.
4. End the email with a few questions. Often since some time has passed, you can ask about details of their life that you were discussing previously. Such as, “Oh, how’d your test go last week?”

I suggest waiting several days as a minimum but just to comment on timing: I’ve seen this approach work even a month after the last email was exchanged. So if you’re reading this but several weeks have gone by, don’t worry! It’s an approach that can still help.

Also, it’s worth noting what isn’t included in this communication: there’s no comment on them not responding to emails and there is also no line added to the email such as “hope to hear from you soon”. Part of the goal of this email is to act as if everything is fine…no need to bring up the fact that they were a bit rude and there’s definitely no reason to show insecurity with a comment about how you hope they might write you back.

Here’s an example that I gave one reader (and you can see her results below):

Hey, sorry I’ve been out of touch, life’s been busy the last several weeks. But on the good side, I have finished the big project going on at work! How have things been for you lately? .

So Why Would This Approach Work?

I think apologizing for being out of contact is the key to this approach. Why?

Well, there are a lot of options with online dating and we can never know for certain why some people stop communicating with us. However, whatever their reasons, I find that many people later regret that they stopped communicating with someone. For example, a guy may stop communicating with girl A because he started talking to girl B. Girl B then tells him she’s not interested and he feels too awkward to write girl A back…so he never does.

But that’s just one example. Whatever their reason, when you start off with an apology, you’re taking all of the pressure off of them. If they had any negative feelings about contacting you, this should help clear them up.

Also, when you emphasize that the reason you’ve been out of contact is because you’ve been busy, you are reminding them that you’re not just waiting around for them (even if you are…our secret!) and that you have a busy life. If they’re not careful, they might miss their opportunity with you. And finally, adding a few questions is just the last step in making it easier for them to respond.

Here’s one reader’s response recently after taking this approach:

Thank you very much for your advice- He emailed me back and we are going on a date next week! Your idea for wording the follow-up email (putting it on me rather than him for being out of touch) was great- that definitely wouldn’t have occurred to me, but it worked really well!

Just Don’t Be Angry…

Now I’ve seen this work many times but you may not be convinced. If you just can’t get behind my apologize-to-make-it-easier-for-them approach, that’s no problem. I’m sure there are lots of approaches that can work…but I don’t think getting angry is one of them!

No matter how rude you think they were for halting the email communication, don’t show your anger. It’s a killer when it comes to keeping the communication going.