Online Dating Blog

I was recently contacted by a reader asking that I review his first email style and when doing so I was reminded of what I talk about in my guide:

Sometimes the most important thing to do when dating online is to just come off as normal!

Perhaps more than anywhere else in life, normal can be exceptional with online dating. I say this because of the weirdness that can go on with online dating. Having a guy just write you a normal, non-sexual, non-creepy, non-weird email can be the most exciting thing to happen on a dating service. Just a normal email!

This goes against most other areas of life: we want to be recognized as special and exceptional. Often, we even are exceptional! But it just doesn’t translate to online dating…at least not in some of the stages prior to meeting.

With that in mind I’m going to review my reader’s email here (although I’ll change some facts to help conceal his identity). My impression is that he’s an intelligent and very successful guy but all that can end up meaning nothing if he approaches contacting women in an odd way.

I think he, like other guys (including myself at one point), is interested in writing an intelligent or funny email that will really stand out. Unfortunately, standing out is easy. Standing out in a good way, that’s a bit harder.

The Reader’s Email

Here’s my reader’s email.

Here’s what I liked about your profile: beautiful eyes and sincere relaxed smile. A beer drinker! You are independent, smart, and would seem to be an extrovert, though I am basing that entirely on your pictures and the tone of your text . . .

As for me, well they probably matched us because I lied on my profile. I am a 4’10 unemployed former law enforcement worker who enjoys guns, dogfighting and watching NASCAR videos (the more the better). I live with my mom and her two sisters in south Wichita in a trailer, and keep my comic book collection in a shed on the back of the property. My cologne of choice is Old Spice – I normally go through about a bottle a week. I also have a collection of PBR cans that goes back to 1981 when I was allowed to drink legally. I enjoy drug interactions, especially the pretty colors I see when I mix Thorazine with red wine.

Ok, seriously, I was reading the article in the New Yorker this week about the dating sites. It said everyone wants to meet people of substance who can make them laugh…whatever the heck that means. I’m not even sure of everything in my profile, as it changes from day to day…I can tell you that I like ecstatic Gothic poetry from the 14th century, but find myself doubting it as precious the next day. The reality is probably this, is that the only thing that ultimately matters is that evanescent and indescribable, rare and unique emotional reality that is present in all of our relationships . . .

In candor, you have an amazing profile – you are gorgeous, you hate to cook (for some reason, I just like that), and you like intelligent conversation – well, i hope I can measure up – what do you want to talk about? Here is my information – look me up – I’m a vice president of sales at a major company here in town. Hope to hear from you!

So the first thing I’ll say about this email is that it is not normal. I definitely found some of it amusing but I don’t feel it’s first email material. Maybe after a few emails and she picks up on the fact that he’s a joker…but as an introduction this feels like a long shot to me.

I Would Rather Be Clear Than Clever

Aside from attempts at humor, I felt like this reader was going out of his way to appear intelligent (and I imagine he is intelligent). I know he isn’t the only one doing this: early on in my dating life I wanted to appear as intelligent as possible in my emails. Didn’t work so great for me.

What I eventually learned is that being clear (just writing as we would talk in a normal conversation) brought far more success than trying to be clever did. For example, from the email above:

The reality is probably this, is that the only thing that ultimately matters is that evanescent and indescribable, rare and unique emotional reality that is present in all of our relationships…

If you’re emailing an intellectual she might appreciate it…to most people though this can come off as pretentious or just confusing.

Everyone is Weird in Online Dating

Remember when we date online that we’re fighting a lot of assumptions and perhaps the biggest is that “everyone who dates online is weird”. Because that stigma exists, people are always on the lookout for it and even straying slightly away from “normal” in your first email could get you eliminated.

I think that is my biggest reason for not sending a first email like this. It’s not normal! I want my first emails to get me past the is-this-guy-a-psycho stage and I’m not sure that this approach accomplishes that.

Other General Thoughts

Just a few other general thoughts on this email that I think can apply outside of this topic:

• One good thing about this email is that he comes off as confident…up until he writes “well, i hope I can measure up”. Lots of people do this in first emails. Don’t say things like “I hope you’ll decide to write me” or “I can’t believe I’m using online dating!”. It’s not attractive.
• Mixing attempts at being humorous and being intelligent can create emails that are difficult to understand. For example, when he says that he’s a vice president at a company, are we in the intelligent-mode or are we back in humorous-mode? As I’ve talked about in the past, I don’t think first emails are the place where you should be trying to convince someone that you’re smart or funny. However, if you’re going to try to convince someone that you’re smart/funny, just pick one! Going with one of those two is hard enough.
• Also, mentioning his position as a VP feels out of place…it really comes out of no where. It’s great to have a woman know that you’re successful (it’s attractive to be successful) but it would be better to have that be prominent in your profile itself. So if you have things you want people to know about you, put them in your profile (not every first email)

How I Write First Emails

If you haven’t seen them, these two articles talk about what I think a first email should look like:

First Email Examples
More First Email Examples

I think the emails should be short and normal…these led me to exceptional success! I told my reader that if he didn’t like the idea of short emails then at the very least I would rewrite his email to be something more like this:

They probably matched us because I lied on my profile. I am a 4’10 unemployed guy who enjoys guns, dogfighting and watching NASCAR videos (the more the better). I live with my mom and her two sisters in south Wichita in a trailer, and keep my comic book collection in a shed on the back of the property. My cologne of choice is Old Spice – one bottle a week…

Okay, seriously this time!

You have an amazing profile. I love that you’re independent and smart. What would you think of grabbing a beer together sometime?

I think this approach, while not my preferred, removes some of the confusion introduced in the first email but still allows him to have an attempt at humor. Again, I’d recommend something even simpler but it really comes down to every person’s preference.

So What Do YOU Think?
My reader stated that he was having some success with his original approach. Would you be likely to reply to emails like his? Or have you had a lot of success with emails like these?

I didn’t write very many emails like this but when I did, I did not have success and later I felt embarrassed about sending these. But maybe I’m wrong! Maybe I should have continued sending this type of email.

I vote for going with “normal”. What about you?