Issues with Older Men Contacting Younger Women

Posted by: Brad

With some regularity, I hear women complain that men older than their desired age range are contacting them when dating online. According to some of the women who write me, the majority of the men contacting them are outside their desired range and they find this very frustrating.

I wanted to talk a little bit about this, first by looking at an email from a man wondering how he should handle this type of situation:

Last week I turned 63 and coincidently started a six month subscription to Match.com. As I’m sure you know, Match.com sends a number of profiles to subscribers each day, as suggestions of people to contact and date. However, what I’m finding is that most of these people specify in their profile that they are interested in meeting men who are younger than I am. Because of their age preference, I do not contact them. Would you say that I’m handling this situation correctly?

My Dilemma Giving Advice on this Topic

I struggled to answer this reader’s email. The reason why is I have two conflicting opinions on the topic:

We should be open-minded and willing to take chances when dating online. The cost of writing an email would only take a man a few minutes and if she never replies, well, he’s not out that much.
Men should try to respect the requirements in a woman’s profile. Many women become frustrated with online dating (and sometimes are driven away from it) because they feel like all they ever get is spam.

If a man only considers himself, then the first option seems fine. If 1,000 men then take this approach…well, you can imagine what happens.

This issue isn’t limited to older men contacting younger women: there is a whole group of men out there who spam every woman they find attractive with emails like “I’d hit that”. I’m imagine some of these men think to themselves:

“I’m doing no harm. Of the 100 women I contacted I’m sure 99 will be annoyed but then I’ll find the one just for me!”

If we only consider our own situation, I suppose a thought like that might be reasonable. However, there are other people involved and I know plenty of women who have been frustrated to the point of quitting because there’s a set of men out there making things hard for everyone else.

My Suggested Approach for These Older Men

Having some time to think about this, I think I’ve come up with advice I’m comfortable giving. The goal of my advice has two parts:

I want to encourage men to contact women even when there is some risk
I want to avoid making the situation that women have to deal with worse

With that in mind, here’s my suggested approach: older men should be open to contacting out-of-range-women within reason.

For me, “within reason” is going to be five years. However, I don’t want to stop there because I would prefer to offer advice that forces the man to really consider the woman before contacting her. With that in mind, I think there should be a scale where the further the man gets away from her age requirement, the more strongly he should be able to make a case for contacting her. Here’s my idea:

The Scale of Contactability

Age Diff.	Requirements to Contact
1 Yr	If you’re only one year out of her desired range, I think you should be willing to contact her as you would other women. At this point, simply being attracted to her is enough reason to contact her.
2 Yrs	At this point, you should have things in common. It shouldn’t just be about how attractive you find her – you should really believe you would have some things to talk about.
3 Yrs	It’s clear that the two of you could get along well. The amount that you have in common is significant and you have areas you’ve identified where you’d like to learn more about her.
4 Yrs	The amount you have in common with this woman is surprisingly high. If you don’t contact her, you know you’ll be thinking about it the rest of the night. If you sat down to write her an email, you’d already know the things you’d like to say to her
5 Yrs	She’s amazing. She has described everything you would hope to find and you simply cannot wait to contact her. If you don’t contact her, this is something you’ll regret for years to come. If you sat down to write her, the words would come without thought.

An Imaginary Scale to Help a Real Problem

So this scale is something I made up on the spot but I think something like this is going to be helpful. I’m certain this scale isn’t perfect and a man reading this may need to modify it for his own situation. The point isn’t that this table solves all the problems. The point is that guys need to take risks sometimes to find relationships but we shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice other people’s experience in the process.

At the same time, some women can be very rigid. A woman who rejects a guy because of one year difference isn’t doing herself any favors. The closer a man is to her desired range, the less I would require of him before contacting her.

My hope is that an approach like this will allow men to contact more women without frustrating those women. I’d be interested to see what others think on this topic.

Also, if you’re interested in my thoughts on age ranges in general with date, check out my article on Determining the Age Range for Dating. The math in the article ends up giving suggestions that I’m sure not everyone would be comfortable with but it’s at least worth consideration!

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About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

JohnD March 4, 2012

This, contacting women much younger than myself, is not something I am guilty of, but I wish to comment on it. As you may recall from looking at and giving me advice on my Match profile, I am 43 and relatively fit and youthful looking, and wanting to have a family. On Match you can see those who have viewed your profile (excepting those with hidden profiles). When I first started Match, probably 70% of my profile views were from women older than me whom did not want to have kids, that has probably gone down to 30% now that I have been on two months. My knee jerk, emphasis on the jerk, reaction to this was something like “how dare these old women that do not want to have a family look at my profile, why are they including me in their search parameters?”. But after some additional thought, I am mature enough to recognize, it is my problem, not their problem. I was allowing them to define me, and I felt like I had to defend myself, but I was wrong. I experience the same reaction some in the real world sometime when a gay man will casually initiate a conversation with me, my knee jerk reaction is “wtf, can’t he see that I am not gay?”, again I am just being a jerk here, he didn’t insult me all he did was try to talk to me.

I think the ‘younger women being contacted by older men” issue you discuss is the same as the two examples that I put forth above. It isn’t that the younger women are frustrated, or heavily burdened by having to delete some old guy’s email, it is that they have a knee jerk reaction to the email, they see that they have gotten an email, there is a sense of anticipation that the guy might be that one in 20 guy that they would be willing to date, but after they open the email they realize it is just from some ‘old guy’, they are disappointed and insulted. All that took about ten seconds for them to do, but some continue to dwell on like drama queens, because they lack the maturity to recognize that the contacts they get do not define them.
- Mary B December 30, 2012
  
  I received an email from a guy who was older than my age range by 5 years…which was noted in my profile. I just read it for what it was worth and left it at that without replying. Lo and behold, today I received a nasty email that called me rude that I did not reply. Did I deserve that ? I say, “No”. I replied with the canned “No Thanks”, wrote to him to confirm that I replied and told him that I was blocking him so he would not waste his time writing, because I would not receive his email.
Carlos January 28, 2013

I think Brad is only considering guys in their 20s and 30s in his advice. I’m 30 myself but I know a lot of men in their 50s and beyond who generally date women younger than 35.

So a more real-world scale should be something like Brad’s but with the age difference column multiplied by 5. So a 5-year difference would be completely acceptable and expected, while a 25-year or bigger one would be reserved for special cases. Have you heard of Hugh Hefner?
Emily August 23, 2013

Ok. I must say I take serious issue with your email. It’s completely sexist! You’re basically encouraging men to bother women who are clearly uninterested!! Like you said, EVERYONE is entitled to their preferences with regards to who they want to date. If the girl doesn’t want to talk to a guy who’s 2 years younger, yeah she might not be doing herself any favors BUT NEITHER IS THE GUY WHO’S CONTACTING HER OUTSIDE HER PREFERRED AGE RANGE! the more appropriate advice to give is that guy’s should ALWAYS respect what the girl wants. No means no! Guys need to stop being so desperate and go after women who are actually within their league. Thus although I’m sure you’re father is great and all, but as a hot girl in her early 30s, the only 57 yr old I’d ever date would have to be SERIOUSLY loaded!! It’s insulting to me when a guy that age does contact me as if I have no other options and am that desperate! The advice you provided is no advice at all. All items you listed as reasons to contact are going to apply in the minds of every guy, obvi! Women are just as repulsed by wrinkly saggy skin and faces as men are!!! It’s time men get a grip, start scrutinizing their own looks and potential to the extent they scrutinize a woman’s. Maybe then they’d have a more realistic view of themselves and the types of women they’d ACTUALLY have a chance with!!!
- Brad August 25, 2013
  
  Hey Emily – I saw what appeared to be some duplicate comments come through. Hope I got the idea of those comments included here now (I approved a few of them). Also, which email did you take exception with?
Emily August 23, 2013

So Carlos…what happens when the girl turns 36? And why does it matter so much anyway? If I were one of those girls your friends are supposedly dating I’d be quite irritated to know that I’m going to be replaced once I turn a certain age. I don’t know if men are aware of this or not, but even 25yr olds age!!! OMG shocking, right!!!! Also, if you haven’t already realized, but you also aren’t nearly as attractive or appealing as YOU WERE when you were younger either!! Hello!!! Mirror anyone?!?!
- Nigel February 26, 2018
  
  Disagree. Actually now I am 54 I think I am more attractive but only to women of my own age. It is all to do with context. Don’t generalise.
Michael April 17, 2014

Hi Brad –

There is little in on-line dating that can raise my hackles more than age related issues. I am 58 years old, but look ten years younger than my age. I can accept discrimination against myself on almost any grounds be it looks, height, ethnicity or even the colour of my shoes, but not when it comes to age. I realise that there must be reasonable bounds, but so many woman (and no doubt men) are not at all reasonable.

Realistically, most men my age are looking for a relationship with a woman younger than themselves. However, many women in their 50’s will state an age preference of up to ten years younger than themselves and perhaps a year or two older. It’s difficult to respect their age preference and I do not!

What I would suggest is, take their lower age bound and set their upper age bound by an equal number of years. If your age falls within this range then don’t feel guilty about contacting them. It’s ‘your time to waste’ and if they get upset or frustrated, then that’s their problem. After all, if you were outside looking to date, would you approach someone and ask their age?
- Brad May 3, 2014
  
  Hey Michael – sure that’s one approach. I guess you’re saying “If they see it as fair to date someone 10 years younger than themself then it should also be fair for them to date someone 10 years older.” I get that logic to a point.
  
  The problem I see is everyone wants to pick their own area that “raises their hackles” and before you know it, to the women no man is even looking at their requirements. You ignore the age requirements, the next guy ignore height and so on. Height requirements may not bother you…but trust me it bothers some and they choose that as the area where they’re going to ignore. Those men could take the same approach as you: if she’ll date a man 6 inches taller than herself than shouldn’t she date a man 6 inches shorter than herself? That’s fair, right? Plus, the man might say he looks tall for his height.
  
  I still fall in the camp that we should be very intentional about who we contact if we clearly fall outside of some requirement they have. I’m not saying never contact, I just think we should generally try to observe what people list in their profile.
Kyra-Ann August 15, 2014

Being in my twenties, I feel flabbergasted and uncomfortable when I receive messages from men in their late forties or fifties. These men are my dad’s age! What good could come of us possibly having a relationship? I definitely shudder and delete when I see those emails.
Wendy February 27, 2015

I’m a 34 year old female on Match and the only men that contact me are in their 50’s. While I am not completely against dating a man in his 50’s, it does make me think ahead for the future. I want to have children and I worry about an older man’s ability to handle young children. Especially if they’ve already raised their own kids. He’d be starting over again. I know some men are willing and eager, but I think some of them just don’t read my profile. Not wanting kids is a deal breaker. I am also a nurse. Having a 20 year age gap, plus small children may mean I’m caring for everyone, including him, as we age. If I take care of geriatric patients at work for twelve or more hours, do I want to come home to it? No. I prefer a partner over a patient. Not trying to sound cruel or judgmental, I just know how the human body can age rapidly during those years and beyond. The human body ages whether we accept it or not. I know there are lots of men who are fit, healthy and full of life in their 50’s and they deserve credit for it…just the ones that message me on Match…are not.
Lisa April 4, 2016

I think it’s acceptable if the woman says she is open to dating a man in that age range. If not then don’t. All sites allow you to list age in what you are looking for. This goes back to the other posts on men that never read women’s profiles and men sending repeat emails and never getting responses. If men would actually read profiles and only send emails to women who were seeking them women would get less emails and it would allow them to respond to the ones who were genuinely good fits. Instead when I was on match and other sites I was getting pummeled with 40 or more emails a say and at least 60% were not people who read my profile. 20% were nasty follow ups and 10% were vulgar so 10% were good but by the time o got there I was mad! Everyday. A lot were guys 20 years older. Men your dating methods are screwing yourselves.
Diane July 18, 2016

This assumption that you can email women out side of their age range if you just feel strongly doesn’t take into consideration that the high or low end of the range most women give might already not be their ideal. That high and low end may mean that you already need to be exceptional just to be considered. Beyond MY range, he’s too young to share similar experiences or an old guy whose going to die off a lot sooner than me most likely. I’m a woman in my 50’s so when older guys say “I look good for my age” or “I’m really fit”, I was kind of hoping for all that, but in a man my own age. As someone stated earlier, the human body (and mind) ages, so even if a man’s friends say that he looks great for his age, that isn’t going to excite someone 20 years younger. Men, get over it. Also, when men put these really low ages in their preferences, they just look silly. Sure, a man of 55 might be interested in a woman of 32, but it doesn’t make him look appealing when he puts this fantasy age in his profile. Does he think that some 32 year old is going to read his profile and email him so he can’t risk not putting that lower end of the range in his profile? If he’s going to have to take the initiative for anything to happen with someone who can hang out with his daughter, better to put a more realistic range and email the occasional woman outside of his range anyway. Mostly, just accept that you are getting older and find someone who didn’t first listen to the music you like on an oldies station.
- Arthur L. July 28, 2017
  
  When women are incensed because an older man dates younger do they ever consider plain old biology. If you look at the statistical distribution of fertility, the sweet spot for women is between 20 and 35, and it tails off DRAMATICALLY after that. Don’t you think that this worries a family-minded man. Well it should and it does. Unfortunately, if you go much out of this fertility band, you are just courting failure.
Richard January 2, 2017

Hi, have the opposite issue. I am 54. I would like to meet someone my age.
But most of the the women that like or message me are in their 30s or even younger.
I don’t know how to react to these.
I am beyond having more kids (snip snip 🙂 )
I assume it is either prostitution or a scam.
I responded to one and she just said age doesn’t matter to her and gave me her phone number.

Also, women who are my age …. your profiles sound like you screwed up with your first husband and are now looking for James Bond. I assume my ex would say the same thing. So why would I contact you ?
Anna May 6, 2017

Funny – just like pretty much every man and woman by the age of 30, I am pretty sure I have figured out what I am looking for by now. I find that men who are twice my age and who contact me, and thus completely disregard the fact that my desired age range is stated on my profile, are demening and state through their actions that they do not respect me. I don’t need to be infantilised by a 60 years-old chauvinist — matter how “rich” he is and how “young” he supposedly looks. You know why? Because I dont care for chauvinistic weasels, regardless of their age and gender, thank you very much.
- Nigel February 26, 2018
  
  I agree – I don’t understand why anyone would want to date someone much younger/older than themselves. I date women my own age + or – . I don’t look at rigid age difference but I look for someone I am likely to have things in common with and can pursue a meaningful relationship with. That probably means someone about my own age. For the record the woman I am currently dating is two years older than myself but her attitude to life is of someone younger than me. It works. I like her. I don’t care that she is older.
Tatiana May 20, 2017

I agree with this article. If you are older/younger than 5 years of her age preference, then don’t even dare to text! I wish there would be a thing on websites which will hide my profile from everyone who is outside of my age preference.
I understand that in business and other work related things the approach where you connect to a lot of people to get a few responses is a good approach, but when it comes to romantic relationship, it is the terrible approach!
Plus, there are some girls who prefer older men (maybe not many), so just look for them and text them. Or go to Thailand for that.
Micky December 24, 2017

Men. Please use this as a rule of thumb. Before messaging, ask yourself whether you would be happy dating someone with the same age gap i.e. If you are 5, 10, 15 years older than the woman, would you also be happy dating someone 5, 10, 15 years older. Dating someone older is no more attractive for a woman than it is for a man. Better to consider the other person and stick to your own age group. I’ve done the big age gap, it doesn’t work and is miserable for the younger person despite how young the older person may or may not feel. Please respect women’s age preferences, they are there for a reason.
Nigel February 26, 2018

The rule is surely do you have enough in common that you could have a meaningful relationship. Age is one factor but there are many more. For me it is unlikely that I could have a relationship with someone much younger than me so I don’t message significantly younger women. I am 54 and I arbitrarily set my search filter lower limit to 47. I have dated women a little younger than that but they are the exceptions. Most women I have dated have been in their 50s, like me, and that is simply because we have more in common.
Coney May 23, 2018

Yes, and being a woman who has just turned 50, it is frustrating to see the men looking at younger women. Trust me, those men contacting you are just unrealistic and usually the noncommital type. They are on those sites all day long and don’t realize that they would have some luck if they considered women their own age.
Coney May 23, 2018

When I get emails from much younger men, I just tell them that I gave birth to my son about the same time they were born.
Jess June 6, 2018

As a woman who is getting back into the online dating scene after a divorce, this is something that really frustrates me. I’m 40 and lately it seems that most of the men who contact me are more than 10 years older than me. I even had a guy in his 60s contact me. I’m not that picky when it comes to minor age differences – if the man is 1-5 years older than me, no big deal at all. Once it starts getting around 6, 7, 8 years older, maybe not ideal but not totally out of the question either. Ten years or more? Sorry, but no. I don’t really feel we can relate well with such an age gap. Less than a year after my divorce I met a man at a company Christmas party that was about 15 years older than me. He was very nice, but his experiences were quite different from mine and I felt like I couldn’t relate to him.