Online Dating Blog

His Dating Profile is Still Active – Is He Interested or Not?

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You’ve decided to try online dating and found yourself talking to a man that seems promising. You decided to meet and on your first date things go great. You enjoy each others’ company, enjoy the same things and over the next month or so you start to date more seriously. Generally everything feels wonderful. However there is one problem: his dating profile is still active.

If this sounds like your situation, you’re not alone. For the last few months this has been by far the question I’ve received most often from readers. I had touched on a similar topic last year in my post my boyfriend has kept his online dating profile active.

While I still believe what I wrote there, I’m finding that many of the women who are contacting me are not at the point where they are sure if the man is their “boyfriend” or not.

With that in mind I wanted to review one of the recent emails I’ve received from a reader and offer some additional advice for this problem.

So What Gives? Is He Interested in Me or Not?!

First off let me say that many men keep their profiles active even though they are interested in the woman they are regularly dating. Men are slower to commit and many also need their ego “stroked”. They like having women contacting them…even if they are rejecting all of them as it makes them feel desirable. If you think this is annoying I definitely understand but I would still encourage tact when you try to resolve this issue.

What You Shouldn’t Do
The one thing you shouldn’t do is verbally attack the guy or start throwing out ultimatums. If he’s hesitating because he’s concerned about commitment, this approach could scare him off. In some cases, this could cause what he saw as a healthy, budding relationship to end abruptly.

I’ve had several readers write me after they argued with the man they were dating to ask if I thought they had made the right choice. I even had one reader who had gave the man a hard time the day after their first date when his profile was still up. I wish these readers had written me beforehand because this is often the worst approach to take (at least from this guy’s point-of-view).

One Woman’s Experience
So what should you do? I do have some advice but let’s first look at one reader’s email and user this as an example for better understanding where you stand with your guy:

I have been dating a man I met on Match.com for about 6 weeks – we go out regularly and he is always quick to make plans with me. We have a great time together and he calls every night to chat or say goodnight. I am really interested in him and I get the feeling that he feels the same way.

My issue comes with him still having his profile up, and with my curiosity getting the best of me, I check almost everyday just to see when he last logged on – seems to be every few days or so. I have read what you have written on this subject and I know you said that men are slower to remove their profiles than woman – so my question is how long is reasonable to wait for him to do this before you say something or begin to feel offended by it?

When my profile was still up I did message him while he was online and made a little joke about him being there one day and his response was that when people make the effort they at least deserve a polite ‘no thank you’…but that’s been a month ago. I haven’t said one word about it since but I am wondering how long to wait.

Addressing the Active Profile Issue with Tact
First off, let me say that this guy’s “reason” for keeping his profile online makes absolutely no sense to me. He’s saying that since the people who are contacting him put in the effort to contact him, he should respond to them. I get that idea and if he were actively looking to meet new people I could even agree…but if he’s only logging in to respond to new emails why not remove the profile so all those women don’t have to “work hard” in the first place? His response actually makes me wonder if he even realizes that he could hide his profile.

Silly logic aside, I would ask any reader who has this issue the same thing I asked the woman who contacted me: are the two of you EXCLUSIVE and have you both made it clear that you are only interested in dating each other? Until the conversation happens, I would say it is fair for a guy to keep his profile up. Perhaps not nice or courteous but not unfair either. It’s especially bothersome if his actions suggest exclusivity even if he hasn’t declared so in words…and yet it is still acceptable in my mind for him to keep his profile up, even in this case.

If you have agreed to be exclusive, things are easy: you just need to ask him to take it down! If you haven’t agreed to be exclusive, I feel this is the point that the relationship would need to reach before you would be in a position of strength to ask that the profile be removed.

Moving Towards an Exclusive Relationship
Assuming the “let’s be exclusive” conversation hasn’t happened, I would recommend you start to slowly but intentionally determine if he feels your relationship is headed in that direction. Where does he see this relationship going, exactly? As I discussed above, I would recommend against being aggressive or angry. Still, these are areas you will need him to define.

Once you’ve decided to get a clearer idea of where your relationship stands, I recommend trying to start conversations as naturally as possible over a 2 to 4 week period. Try not to force them but at the same time you will want to look for opportunities let him know that you need to know where you stand with him. For example, at the end of a nice evening together (especially if the two of you are commenting on how much you enjoy spending time together) you could bring up your concerns on not knowing where you stand in the relationship. It’s a good idea to let him know that the active profile is the source of much of this feeling (leaving this out could leave many of us guys, who can be dense when it comes to relationships, confused or surprised).

These are tricky conversations and can be difficult to work your way into. Since I feel that really good advice would require me to understand the relationship on some personal level, I can’t tell you exactly how to approach the situation. However, I can give some general advice.

First, you’ll probably want to check out my previous advice on this topic. Second, I believe the following guidelines can help when having your conversations:

  1. Be honest. Let him know you’re bothered being unsure. You care for him and while some of his actions declare he feels the same way, other actions make things less clear.

  2. Be caring. Don’t beat him up and don’t jump to ultimatums. If he can’t answer where you stand after your first conversation don’t go and demand to know by such-and-such a date. No one wants to feel like they are being bullied into a relationship.
  3. Be patient. Don’t try to force these important conversations even though every bone in your body may want you to talk to him about it as soon as possible. Try to pick what feels like the best opportunity to talk about it, not the first opportunity.
  4. Be understanding, within reasonable limits. If he is honest and admits to having a commitment issue, could you give him more time? There will come a point that you will need to draw a line and make ultimatums but I’m not convinced one month into the relationship is that time (especially if you think you’ve found a great guy)

To me, if a month goes by after you’ve expressed your concerns and he is still refusing to remove his profile then setting ultimatums seems more reasonable. A month is enough time to decide if you want to pursue a relationship further. Still, use your best judgment. Don’t start making a demands on the 30th day just because I suggest a month as a good measurement. Relationships are unique things and you’ll need to decide when it is best in yours to start demanding more…but at some point he will need to commit or you will need to move on.

When Should I Start Trying to Move Towards “Exclusive”?
One thing about the advice above is that someone women will want to start this process immediately after the first date. If you’ve been on one or two dates and your guy still has his profile up, you have nothing to worry about. As a matter of fact, making an issue of things at this point could create a problem when no problem previously existed. Just as some people have trouble committing, others are far too quick to try to do so. Don’t be too quick or demanding in your desire to define your relationship…be willing to give it time and allow it to grow naturally.

It’s tricky to suggest an amount of time set in stone for when you should expect things to move forward as every relationship is different. That being said, I believe a month of spending time together is a good general time frame to expect some concrete definition to your relationship, especially when you’re going out of your way to interact with each other every day. The reader above waited six weeks and I think that is very patient. In her case, it is very reasonable for her to expect her guy to offer some clarity on where he sees their relationship going.


That’s a long article just discuss having a guy take his profile down!

However, as I’m getting this question more and more often, I’m hoping the details I’ve included here can help you reach the point where he realizes there is no reason for him to keep his profile active any longer.

To sum it all up: I would expect that within the first month of actively dating each other that you should have an idea of where you stand and I would expect his profile to be down. In the cases where his profile is still up, I would expect that another month after bringing up your concerns is all it should take for him to decide (and it really should be much faster than this). If you’re two months in and his profile is still up, it’s time to get your profile back up as well.

Match.com – Everyone knows someone who met on Match.com. Now it is your turn. Search Now!


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About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

Discussion

  1. juls  May 15, 2011

    I’v egot the same problem on ly mine is a little different. I met my boyfriend on an online dating website years ago. We dated for a year And then we moved in together. Everything was going great. He had mentioned getting marrired and I told him he was crazy. non the less I started to warm up to the idea. We even went shopping for rings in January. Then in Febuary, I was at home and i needed to use his computer to chek and email. My computer was occupied. HIs computer automatically goes right to his email. There was all these messages from the dating website that we meet on. I clicked on one and there was his profile. I expected to see the original profile from when we first meet but this one was different and his profile picture was a picture of him and his daughter that we took after we moved in and decided to take family portraits to hang around the house. I was devistated. Text him immediately. The site was deleted and I never heard anything else about it. He totally denied that he was on the site and could not see how the picture got on it. I was not satisfied with his anwser so I kept a close eye on things. Everyone and a while I would get on his phone or computer and check. I never saw another email, there were no text from random girls, or phone calls that seemed weird. so I thought everything was fine. We lived together over a year later and then he one day just moved out. He said that his ex did not want his daughter at my house anymore and that was that. HE said that he wants to continue dating me and that he wants to work on things. Things were tough at first but then they seemed to be getting better. We had an amazing day on Tuesday from start to finish. He suprised me first thing in the morning with an execpected visit, we went to a braves game that we had scheduled a week before and then he invited me to spend the night at his place. I loved waking up in his arms again. It seemed as if we were back to where we were :) But something got me curious and so I went on the same website that we met on thre years ago and there he is on line that day. I told him that it hurt to see him on the site and that i felt that everything was going good and i did not understand why he was on. He said that I was making a big deal out of nothing. But after three years of giving my heart to him I feel that I deserve more than that, I feel that he is being disrespectful and dishonest if he is spending all this time with me and saying he loves me, we are even doing 5 love languages together to help our relationship.
    A friend of mine said that he is a pisces and thats just the way they are. They like to look and the crave for attention from the opposite sex. She says not to worry at all. BUt I don’t know. I will tell you that he does the same with his job though. He always will have one job and continue to look for a bigger and better job even if he has no intention of leaving the one that he has. I need to know if I should worry. This whole thing is eating me up.

    (reply)
  2. Brad  May 15, 2011

    Juls – my personal opinion is that you have every right to be concerned. I mean, the guy moved out with no warning. That’s a bit concerning.

    Also, if my wife told me that she put an online dating profile up because she was a Pisces…that wouldn’t fly with me!

    I do like that you’re reading the 5 Love Languages together. I think that’s a great book but it will only help if you take what you learn about each other and apply it. You can read a book together but if he turns around and starts putting a profile online, what good has it done? And I don’t care how innocent it might be, it still hurts.

    Were I in your situation, I would make it clear to whomever I was dating that absolute commitment was of the utmost importance to me. If I couldn’t get that, I would move on (easy for me to say, I know). I would just be concerned that this type of game could continue for years.

    I do wonder, how would he react if you had an active dating profile online?

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    • Jessica  November 24, 2011

      Hi Brad. I met my boyfriend (i think) on plenty of fish in July and we’ve been hanging out, having fun since. We’ve even been to a festival and just went away for the weekend together. I deleted my profile ages ago, but this afternoon I had a look and he is still using it. He even used it last night, and I just dont know what to do about it. I think he likes me. But I just dont know how to really tell if his idea of a relationship is the same as mine or if he just wants to date. I try to kind of ask, but he always makes me feel so stupid for asking, as I should (and think) I trust him. But I just dont know. Its been 4 months. Should I ask him to take it down or…. ?

      Thanks x

  3. M M  June 17, 2011

    I met him through an online dating site six months ago. We have been dating regularly ever since. He talks marriage, knows my ring size, and talks about our future and potential children. I’ve met his parents and extended family and he has met my parents. He did not introduce me as the “girlfriend,” but simply by name. He will be turning 30 soon and I am 6 years younger.
    About a month ago, I complained about his dating profile still being active. We definitely argued a bit and I told him to go on a date, if he liked the girl, we were done (obviously). If he didn’t, no harm/no foul. Nevertheless, I was shocked and disappointed when he told me one morning that he had been on a date. He didn’t like it at all and only thought of me. It was a “waste of time.” However, he hasn’t shut the site down.
    A week ago, I brought it up again. I asked if we were exclusive and he said yes. I’m headed to a wedding across country and he’s not happy with the fact that I have a date. He said he loved me for the first time and I said it back.
    Sitting across the country, today is the first day I haven’t heard from him at all, even though I’ve made several attempts. I check his page (because it’s viewable to the public) and he’s made several modifications today. (My page is disabled/hidden.)
    What am I supposed to make of this? A fear of commitment, soaked with very, very committed conversation and feelings? If we are “exclusive” (without titles that express commitment), than why the need to continue prospecting?

    (reply)
  4. Brad  June 17, 2011

    MM – let’s imagine you met my wife and I for dinner. I was quick to let you know how much I loved my wife but every time I told you this I also punched her in the face. What would you think of our relationship? Would you be amazed by the love I have for my wife?

    The thing is, words are easy. Saying I love you to someone is easy. Showing you love someone is harder.

    To me, this guy is saying he loves you but he is not showing it. If I were in your situation I would feel a mix of hurt and anger. I mean, when IS the point where he would take his profile down? Once you’ve been engaged? Married? Married for 5 years?

    If he really loves you and agrees you are exclusive, the profile needs to come down. Today. If he can’t bring himself to take his profile down no matter how much you talk about it, I think you need to consider keeping your options open as well. Re-enable your profile, let him know that you no longer consider your relationship exclusive but you hope to continue to date him, and then start looking for other guys to date. Perhaps a taste of his own medicine will wake him up to what he’s doing…but honestly that’s not the point or the goal. The goal is to find a guy who will both say and show that he cares for you. Maybe he’s that guy, but maybe he’s not.

    Again, I’m not saying abandon your current guy. My hope is that he would come around. However, I do worry that the next time he tries dating someone else he might find himself interested in her and then you’ll find yourself alone. What if that happens a year from now? All that wasted time waiting for him to make the right choice only to have him start dating someone else.

    I know it won’t be easy but if he refuses to commit himself to you I recommend keeping your options open.

    (reply)
  5. Jill  June 19, 2011

    I have a similar problem – I began dating a guy on match.com about 6 weeks ago as well. On our 5th date, he asked if we could become exclusive. I was very happy, as he is great. Calls/texts regularly, always makes time to see me, I met his mom, he’s met my parents and friends. However, we aren’t yet boyfriend/girlfriend – I guess we’re exclusive, but still feeling each other out. I asked him why he referred to me as a “friend” when on the phone with his Grandmother. He said he hadn’t told her about me and if he suddenly said “Oh I’m with my girlfriend” she would freak out. He also said he doesn’t want to rush into anything, which is fine. But, his profile is still active – for a while he didn’t check it for three weeks, and then recently he’s been checking every couple of days. I don’t know if this is still acceptable because we’re still not in a relationship. I am worried that by asking if I’m considered just a friend I may have scared him. Any advice would be much appreciated!

    (reply)
  6. Brad  June 20, 2011

    Jill – I guess I don’t understand what the difference is between being exclusive and being boyfriend/girlfriend. Is that not the same thing? It would be the same thing to me if I asked a woman to date me exclusively.

    Even if the two of you have worked out some understanding on a difference between exclusive and girlfriend/boyfriend, isn’t he still headed towards breaking that agreement? I mean, if he meets someone else online it’s not as if you’re exclusive any longer. But again, maybe I misunderstand what exclusive means in this case.

    That said, if you’ve only been dating for 4 or 5 weeks, I think I’d recommend you just be patient for a while longer. A guy checking his dating profile isn’t always a sign that he’s unhappy and based on your agreement I guess it’s fine for him to do so. I doubt asking him about being friends would scare him off but at the same time you wouldn’t want to repeatedly make him uncomfortable about where you stand so I’d recommend just accepting things as-is for now.

    I would then suggest that if things are still going well between the two of you in a few weeks that you let him know that you would like to be girlfriend/boyfriend and see what his response is. I’d say that long of “exclusive” dating should be long enough for someone to know if they’re ready for that step.

    (reply)
  7. Sasha  July 15, 2011

    Brad,

    i have the same story as above, I started dating this guy a month ago. We met on a dating website, and the relationship took off right from the start. After the first week he was asking me to be his girl. After that i did what any respectable women would do and i deactivated by online profile. He however did not, at first it did not really bother me. I mean I just met the guy, who am i to say that he cant. Week two came and i found that while i was waiting for him to respond to a text I sent (45mins) he was on the dating website from his phone. This infuriated me, and to my utter shame i called him out immediately. Now the only reason i knew to look and see if he was on there was this gut feeling that i got. Call it intuition, but somehow i just new. Well he blew up and i blew him off for three days till he finally manipulated me back into seeing him through constant texting. Week three we went out and he said the big “L” word to me. Wow, really? Cause unfortunately in my world if you like me, well that makes one of us. So this was just the tactic he needed to reel me in hook line and sinker!! Week four, another I love you, and a few more fun filled evenings. Yet my gut says there is something not right about his profile being up still. His excuse was he did not have a computer, only his phone to access, and there is no way to deactivate from a mobile device. I got another funny feeling one day, agian while waiting for his text. I checked, and again i was right on the money (i should have read this blog before so i did not do what i did again) I called him out, this time he flat out lied and got verbally abusive. Well I got smart. Let’s just say that hypothetically speaking another attractive women sent him a message to his profile. And lets just say that because i went out for a girls night instead of hangin with him, that he responded to this other woman. I would also like to include in here that she has sent him text messages from her phone, and is talking about setting up a date with him. I have also made myself avaible for this same night. Now I know what you’re thinking, and no I am not going to show up and jump out of the bushes. He will however be stood up by the imaginary women, then the following day, I will tell him that I am no longer interested in seeing him. To be continued……

    (reply)
  8. Brad  July 18, 2011

    I love it Sasha…although I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’d love to hear how things turned out if you stop back!

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  9. Juliana  August 15, 2011

    Hi Brad,
    Wow after reading many of these stories I have somewhat of an undertstanding that this is not uncommon. I’ve been dating this guy for 5 months now, we spend every weekend together. I’ve met his friends and he’s met my friends and some of my family. We have taken our relationship to the next level (if you can call it a relationship) intamacy is great. We have gone on trips, and had wonderful dates, he told me I’m just the girl he’s dating. To turn things around he tells me he likes me very much and misses me when he’s gone. He acts very much like a boyfriend but wait a minute he refuses to acknowledge the GF/ BF thing. He told me he’s not into the casual thing with other girls, I know he’s active on his dating profile. How do I let what would normally be a wonderful relationship (if it were not for his dating profile) progress, or how do I let it go? I realize every situation I’ve read is similar but I also know the answers will differ I appreciate any insight you can offer.

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  10. Brad  August 16, 2011

    Juliana – honestly it’s hard to judge your situation because some guys just have trouble committing. I don’t know if you would necessarily want to “let it go” but at the same time if he’s keeping his options open you might want to do the same (including staying active online). I think doing this can be beneficial because a) you might find a great guy who does want to commit or b) he might realize how much it sucks to have the person you’re dating to be open to dating other people.

    Again, as with other situations discussed here, I think it’s totally reasonable to expect real commitment at a certain point and it sounds like you’ve reached that based on what you describe.

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  11. Kelly  September 1, 2011

    I met a guy online we hit it off really great. I had spoken to him several months before we met. I took my profile down and never asked him if he did or not. I felt if he was into me then he would without asking him to. He was moving the relatiosnhip way to fast wanting to move in etc. I asked him to back off and please take it slower. Well I found out he is now with a seperated lady he met online. You just never know but I have given up on online dating. It wasn’t just becuase of him but out of 8 guys I met everyone lied aobut martial status & job among having 10 year old pictures up.

    (reply)
    • lidia  April 23, 2014

      I agree! same happened to me! I met him online, soon after romeo proclaimed adoration and love for me he “deactivated” his account as he said he is % sure I was the one his been looking for..the “needle in the haystack” ohh that makes me so mad..anyway. We started being exclusive at least I was. Soon after we met
      he abruptly changed his mind because he suddenly “didn’t feel it” with me, I had a sneaking suspicion something
      to do with online dating site, SO…what had this punk done? he had deactivated ,blocked me and deleted his old account so that it had looked to me he was offline YET had reopened a new one! ..so along along he was active and looking for talking to, meeting up with other woman.
      I do not trust online dating anymore too many bad experiences and too many shady characters.

  12. Brad  September 1, 2011

    Sorry to hear your experience went that way Kelly…I promise not all guys are bad though! There are some great guys using dating services but sometimes it takes having a good deal of patience to find them.

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  13. Maree  September 4, 2011

    Hey

    I agree with the advice here – especially the timing – and acknowledge that girls tend to overeact in these matters of the heart so maybe we could all do with a bit of advice to slow down a bit. BUT!

    I am surprised to hear so many experiences similar to mine. In my mind the matter is so simply about respect and I find it difficult to understand how to tolerate the ‘continues to actively online date’ thing…

    I ‘dated’ a few guys when I decided to try the online forum. I am not a lonely or desperate woman and like to think I have a great life and great friends. Online Dating was an avenue I hadn’t tried and I was curious! During the process I did get the little ‘addiction’ niggle. So I can see how the boys would struggle to manage that and think that continuing conversations online harmless… It is an enormous confidence booster, flattering to receive attention and the thrill of first dates really good fun. BUT I never made it past 2 months with anyone because each and every time the guy would continue with an active profile I would feel disrespected, lose trust and belief in the guy’s intentions and force a swift ending one way or another.

    My thoughts are that YES a girl makes this decision more quickly – instinctively not wishing to harm the budding relationship. And NO a guy views dating so differently to us that it can only be expected that removing his profile is repeatedly a delayed occurrence. I asked my friends boyfriends/husbands (some of whom met my friends online and some who are or have dated online in the past) They all confirmed CLEARLY that if the guy dosn’t remove his profile voluntarily following the moment when it is obvious you are both moving towards proper committment (and not even ‘by the time’ you have committed to exclusivity verbally) then it is clear he is not entirely certain about you OR he is not entirely ready to committ to a relationship. We all know that what a man DOES speaks louder than what he will ever SAY. If that is the case, how long to you tolerate such lack of respect for YOU, for the investment you are making of your heart and your life? I don’t know. I find it difficult – impossible – to continue with someone who isn’t sure about me. I want – I DESERVE – as much respect as I give! I want to be with someone who is at least sure enough to put all the other girls in the world aside FOR A MOMENT and give the relationship the attention and respect it deserves – for however long ‘it’ lasts – for whatever ‘it’ is. “If then it dosn’t work out boys – by all means go back online, chat and date all the people in the world that you desire!” I will do the same.

    Lets retain some reality, because being online is so surreal and the rules of engagement so different to real life that some surely find it unbalancing. The principles are the same. If being online and chatting to other girls was face to face lets say and you met a man in this way. Would it be acceptable if he continued to go along to such events and chat and flirt with other girls? Maybe even go on dates etc? Nope. Not acceptable. Hugely not acceptable. So how on earth can it be acceptable to do it online!?

    Recently, I started dating a man I began to realise I really REALLY liked. I removed my profile at the end of the first week or so explaining to him that it was my personal preference/instinct and that it placed no pressure or expectation on him. We carried on as usual. He kept his profile online and then during a period where he was busy he removed the profile. I relaxed and began to enjoy the journey, tentatively falling a little by little for him. Last week he activated it again. I asked to understand why. He said he was checking for my profile and was curious. He asked me if he should take his profile down? I said it was up to him (I want him to take it down because he wants to not because I want him to…) I did say that him keeping his profile active made me feel that he wished to keep his options open and that if he wanted me to feel that way then to carry on. He remains curious and I increasingly uncertain of where I stand.

    And even after all this thinking and reading: I still don’t understand entirely. I am still not sure how to handle the situation. I still think its about respect… and not so much about committment. I am not asking the guy to committ to me and plan weddings and babies. I am only asking – in these early stages – for respect enough to put all the other girls aside for a moment… Is that really too much to ask?

    That’s what I seem to arrive at in conclusion anyway…

    (reply)
  14. Brad  September 5, 2011

    Hey Maree – I think from a guy’s point of view it can be, at least in some small part, a commitment issue. While he’s not being asked to marry or make babies, he is being asked to stop looking to date other women. That might seem like semantics but I can see where a guy is coming from if he felt like it was commitment. That said, I do agree that in many cases respect is also playing a large role.

    I feel like many women want the commitment/respect to happen naturally and I understand that desire. That’s how things went for my wife and I when we met online. And that’s most often how the “real” world works: the days of grade school where we are forced to ask someone to “go steady” are behind us.

    Unfortunately, often online dating doesn’t match the real world and I think that in some cases waiting for the commitment/respect to happen naturally is going to be a frustrating experience. In other words, in many of the cases described in these comments the woman is put in a situation where she needs to force the “let’s be exclusive” conversation. Once that talk is done, I think it’s much easier to get a real feel for how much respect (or lack thereof) a man is showing.

    I’m curious though, Maree: when you forced a “swift ending one way or another” with these guys (prior to the last) did you ever first force the “let’s be exclusive” talk or did you just end things? I know you make a case for not doing this in your comment but I worry that there is some risk in expecting a man to recognize:

    the moment when it is obvious you are both moving towards proper committment (and not even ‘by the time’ you have committed to exclusivity verbally)

    For a lot of guys (this one included), the clarity at which a woman is able to say something exists isn’t clear to us at all (and I speak as a married man who has conversations like this from time to time with an exasperated wife who just doesn’t understand why I don’t get the obvious). The assumption that guys see things just as women do is risky business…especially if you are rapidly ending relationships based on that assumption.

    Finally, I think you should have been more honest with your guy. You DON’T want his profile up and that’s what I think you should have said. Sure, there is a degree of romance in having the guy take down the profile on his own. However, if we use your examples of the real world versus online dating (and really a case that you appear to make that they should operate more similarly): if it were the real world instead of online dating wouldn’t you have been more firm that he shouldn’t be talking to another woman/making himself available to other women?

    It is NOT too much to ask that a man put other girls aside for the moment but sometimes it’s important that you EXPLICITLY ask it! Not ask it through time spent together or the hope that he’ll make the right choice or through milestones that make it obvious to you that the two of you are exclusive. Instead, actually verbally ask it.

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  15. cat  September 5, 2011

    Hi, i thought i was the only one in this situation. Ive been with my boyfriend 3 months, we spend every weekend togther and plan to do things. He asked me a month into the relationship to be his girlfirend ive met his family and friends. I thought everything was going well. we met on a dating site and i knew when we started dating his profile was hidden ( i wanted to show my friends who he was but couldnt find it!) last night i went on (my profile is hidden) and his profile is active for everyone to see. I stupidly rang him and asked if he wanted to be with me. he said yes. i said i just needed some reassurance and he told me to be reassured. i then asked if he was still on the dating site and he said yes. so he hasnt lied. we havent spoken properly about this as this was late last night and when i rang i woke him. i hope we can talk tonight but im so confused about where i stand and don’t know what to say to him.
    i am hurt.
    there is some fabulous advice on here.

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  16. Maree  September 6, 2011

    Brad
    Very interesting! Your right. I never gave the guy a chance to make any changes. I did confront him to discuss it but now I realise I did so – not to understand him – but only with a view to declaring that he had failed, that I don’t ‘share’ and therefore we couldn’t continue in this state. I can be rather forthright in these matters – the usual sympton of having been hurt terribly in the past and made a fool of etc.
    I just finished it on the assumption that he had had plenty long enough to decide if he liked me a little bit or not.. When I think back I am surprised to find that each and every time it was I who decided when he should have an opinion about me, I decided when he should take down his profile and actually I decided everything about timing etc based on my instinct and my feelings. Appalling!
    Even worse. I now realise that I never actually asked outright for any of them to take down their profile to be with me exclusively. I never actually asked! It never occurred to me that I could, that it was an option. Wow.
    You have given me real food for thought. I need to change.
    Thank you very much for your perspective!
    Rita

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  17. Maree  September 6, 2011

    Brad/Cat

    Just read your note.

    So… I guess the question we all want to know is: What is in a man’s head that makes him think / or not even think at all I guess from your comments? – that’s its okay to continue chatting and even dating online while dating and building a relationship with one of us. How is it okay? Surely… SURELY it means he is ‘not really that into me’ etc. Because surely if he was into me he wouldn’t even think about pursuing other options…

    I just don’t understand it.. It really confuses us girls. Its really illogical to us. Its a kind of betrayal. Each time I saw/found out my guy went online after going out with me for a while I felt sick, duped, confused about where I stand, no longer confident about how he felt about me or what I thought the relationship was, suddently totally insecure and worst of all foolish…

    Each time I finally felt angry that he couldn’t say to me ‘I am not sure about us’ – respect! – that he could go back online without telling me – this feels like he is going behind my back in some way – though the forum is public so of course I then think the act of going back online means he is making a massive statement that he is no longer interested instead of having the respect and courage to say so to my face… If you know what I mean.

    Does he really truly think that its going to be okay with me? That I will want to continue in the same way knowing he is looking/browsing for someone else? Does he really think that I will be happy to settle for being his ‘she’ll do in the meantime’ girl?

    No comprende…

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  18. Jenn  September 8, 2011

    Hi Brad,

    My situation is a little bit different, so I don’t know if it fits this category…I’ve been doing the online thing for just about 3 months now, and have met some nice and not so nice men. I recently met a man I like very much – we met for drinks/appetizers, had a great time, lots of laughter and connection, nice goodnight kiss as well. We proceed to see each other two more times, before I went on vacation for 5 days to Cancun (alone). I will add that he texted me at the end of our first date to say he had a great time and proceeded to text me everyday after that. All of our contact – texting/dates, was due to his initiating – I never texted first or asked him out. I did let him know that I would have cell coverage in Mexico, and if he’d like to say hello he could.

    I heard from him twice while away – one sentence texts, with no greeting or emoticon – I answered and then he never responded – both times were like this. He never checked to see I made it there or home safely, and hasn’t really been in contact the way he was before I left. His job is stressful right now, but in my mind, if you like someone a minute or two to send a quick hello is not a big deal.

    He made a point to let me know that there was no way anyone could decide in two or three dates that the person they’re interested in was a bust – so, it certainly looks like he has done just that.
    I don’t know what to do at this point – my friends say just lay low, wait it out, don’t contact him anymore and see what happens – my gut is leading me into the mindset that he found someone else while I was away, or just decided he went too fast and is now backing off way too much.

    Thoughts?

    Jenn

    (reply)
    • mel  December 26, 2011

      hi jenn!

      i was/am in the same situ, whatever happened in your situation?

      m

  19. Brad  September 8, 2011

    Maree (or Rita?) – I’m glad my thoughts were helpful but at the same time I don’t want to come off as if I was saying you were “wrong” in your approach. I definitely don’t want you to beat yourself up over your choices! I just want to share another way of looking at it…so maybe you need to change but maybe not. At the end of the day, I think everyone needs to make decisions that they feel are best for their own situation.

    Second, in your response to Cat, not all guys are like this. I wasn’t. I was thrilled to have found something special and I cancelled all of my future dates as soon as I got home from my date with my (someday-to-be) wife. I also removed my profile immediately. To be honest, I’m not convinced that all the guys doing this even understand why. It’s almost like the allure that a casino has…you might win big but something make you want to stick around and try a little longer. And as I touched on earlier, I do think it’s reasonable to demand respect from these guys. A little reminder on what they’ve already found could do some good…and if it doesn’t at least you can be confident that you need to keep looking for the right guy.

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  20. Brad  September 8, 2011

    Cat – I feel like your situation is more straight-forward. In many of the other cases, the guys don’t clearly commit or label the relationship. In your case, he asked you to be his girlfriend…he needs to cut out the unnecessary continuation of online dating now. You’ve made a commitment to each other, it’s pretty clear to me. As Maree touched on earlier, these guys wouldn’t try to continue to pick up other women and real life and shouldn’t do so online either.

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    • cat  September 13, 2011

      Thank you Brad we had a talk and it turns out he doesnt go on it and didn’t realise he had left it, he didnt think it was an issue. Ive broght it to his attention so I hope it is removed soon. I feel better after talking to him. fingers crossed!

    • Brad  September 13, 2011

      That’s good news Cat!

  21. Brad  September 8, 2011

    Hey Jenn – I actually touch on this issue a bit in my article on When a Guy Disappears After a Few Dates.

    I find it very difficult to give advice on this topic because there are often so many things going on that I can’t really predict. That being said, almost 100% of the time when I talk to women in this situation they want to follow the advice your friend is giving you: lay low, wait it out.

    I’m not really a big fan of this. In the article above I recommended that you update your profile to show him you’re still active. I still think that’s a fine thing to do but more recently I’ve found myself encouraging women to be a bit more pro-active or aggressive (whereas changing your photo is rather passive-aggressive).

    Honestly, if you sent him a short email saying you were going to be in his area soon and you’d love to grab a coffee with him, I think that could work. If you don’t get a response to that you’ll definitely know something is wrong. On the other-hand, if everything is fine and he’s just been busy you’ve done no harm and might even kick-start things again.

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  22. Kristen  September 9, 2011

    Hi Brad,

    My situation is similar to a lot of these. I had been dating a man that I had met on match.com for three months. After about 3 weeks he wanted us to be exclusive. After about a month of dating I hid my profile but noticed he kept his active. I never said anything as he was attentive and I am not the jealous type. He did mention that he just “clicks” on daily matches to see if he knows anyone… Sounded a little weird to me, but whatever! Anyway, the past week, he has been acting very strange… Not returning texts, not calling, not making any effort at all. I went on to match the other day and saw that his profile had been completely re-done since we have been “exclusive”. I checked again yesterday and he re-wrote it again!! When I tried to call him and talk to him about it, he refused to take my call. He denied the accusation via text. He says that he changed his profile a long time ago and does not send or receive e-mails. He refuses to talk to me about it. Am I wrong??

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  23. Brad  September 9, 2011

    Hey Kristen – I think you’re right. The daily matches argument/excuse is about as weak as they come. So he can see if he knows someone…and then what? At least some of the guys will admit they’re keeping their profile online updated or keeping their options open. In your case it sounds like he’s keeping it online (for whatever reason) but he’s also lying to you about it.

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  24. Maria  October 13, 2011

    Hi Brad,
    Glad I found this site. I met my guy 3 months ago. We dated for two months before we became intimate and I just assumed that we were exclusive. I took down my profile. After a few days, I told him I’d done that and asked if he would. He said he would. A couple of weeks went by and he still hadn’t taken it down. I was really upset (also was PMSing) and asked if I had been wrong in assuming we were exclusive. I told him I wasn’t the kind of person looking for a casual relationship and he confirmed he was also looking for a long-term relationship. He said he wasn’t dating anyone else. He said his profile was up but that he hadn’t been checking it and he hadn’t found time to take it down. I even told him I had to get his confirmation because I have trust issues with previous guys cheating on me. I was so upset I put my profile back up without telling him, but I haven’t been active in looking to date anyone else. Since then, he seems to put more efforts into our dates, but we don’t see each other as often as before. He says he’s really busy with family. I don’t know if I believe him or should believe him. We have fun when we’re together but I just don’t know if I should trust him. I don’t want to bring it up with him again for a third time. Do you think he will change, or should I just move on and find someone else?

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  25. Smonty1227  October 20, 2011

    Hi. I hope it’s not too late to get a response. I have only been seeing this guy for three weeks. when a day ago he made a point in asking me how it was going on the site. i told him it was iffy and i had hidden my profile because i’m not sure about it all together. he told me he had removed his. i asked why and he said he wasn’t really feeling the site etc. I look today and it’s back up with modifications? what gives? why did he feel the need to tell me it was down?

    (reply)
  26. Brad  October 22, 2011

    Maria – it’s very possible that he would change as we don’t really know what’s causing him hesitation from fully committing to just dating you and hiding his profile. That being said, I’d still be cautious – it takes 5 minutes to take your profile down so his excuse doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

    (reply)
  27. Brad  October 22, 2011

    Smonty – I’m guessing here but if I were going to tell a woman I was dating that I had taken down my profile, it would normally be because I would be hinting to her that I want to date each other exclusively. I also think if she didn’t respond the way I wanted I might put my profile back up. I could see someone doing this for several reasons:

    1. He may have secretly been hoping for a commitment from you after having this conversation and when that didn’t happen he’s now not sure the relationship is going where he had hoped it would.

    2. He may want to make you jealous.

    Those are just guesses but the fact that he took it down in the first place is the most interesting part to me.

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  28. Lydia  November 7, 2011

    I just met someone this past weekend and we “hooked up” for a few days and it was nice…and I find it weird that he still emails me on the site seeing that we have had such a hot weekend… I have stated that I find it weird to communicate since he and I have each others phone number and I also stated that I date one person at a time and that if he chooses to continue looking that is on him…

    I sent the email not as an ultimatum but just as an FYI… and I am sure he will stay on line until he decides what he is looking for and if in fact it is in me.. which is solely his decision… however I have the right to vocalize my thoughts which is what I did… I would never tell him to close his account and also to those of you that are upset that you man has his account out there… how do you know unless yours is out there or you are still online? I get that you can view profiles for free… but my thing is that if a person is into you seeing you more than once a week – nine times out of ten you have nothing to worry about… dating more than one person is not something most guys are good at and let’s face it… it is too damn expensive.

    So my thoughts are… this guy I am talking to and “having fun” with I will continue to do just that and will never tell him to take his profile down.. even IF after I take mine down, because it is just a profile… and I have decided… (just now) after reading all these comments that unless he cheats and I can prove it (and I will be gone)… nothing else matters…

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  29. Christine  November 11, 2011

    I’ve been talking with a man I met on a dating site for a couple of months now. It started with us emailing back and forth a few times a day for a couple of weeks, then it progressed to phone calls – some of the calls lasted 4+ hours. Because we live on different Hawaiian islands, we didn’t meet in person until about a month after emailing and talking. He visited me one weekend (stayed in a hotel), I visited him the following weekend (stayed with him), two weekends pass and he came to visit me again this past weekend. We have a lot of common interests and have so much fun together, but have had a couple of awkward conversations about exclusivity and where this may be heading. He’s said it takes him longer to commit to someone. On the other hand, I feel like I’m getting mixed signals re. how he feels about me. He’s mentioned having a vested interest in me, has talked about future (unplanned) visits, we text daily and talk almost every night. I know he’s someone I’m ready to commit to, to explore a relationship with.
    His profile is still active and he checks fairly frequently. My membership came to an end shortly after we started emailing and I chose not to renew – I’m now off of the site, and he knows this. So, after two months and three weekend-long visits/dates, but knowing that he is slow to commit, when is a reasonable time to have “the talk”? Do I wait for him to bring it up? A friend advised me to keep dating other people, but I’ve never really worked that way… but I do feel I need to back off a bit from this man. ???

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  30. Brad  November 12, 2011

    Christine – I do like your friends advice to continue dating others. If you’re just not comfortable with that, it sounds to me like you could bring this up again. Just don’t do so in a confrontational way: just let him know you care about him and you need to know where the two of you stand. If he really cares about you, being open and honest like this shouldn’t bother him.

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  31. really?  November 14, 2011

    really? if this is the case, then ill do the same thing hes doing to me. do unto others what others is doing unto you!. the thing about dating. is us women risks a lot of emotions right away when by fact we should be more objective in the first place.

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  32. dave  November 18, 2011

    I have been dating a wonderful woman for over 3 months that I met on match. I am committed to her and crazy about her. When we were a month into our relationship I told her I was not going to renew my Match subscription because I only want her. She later said she would do the same and we took off the auto-renewal but we both never bothered to hide our profiles.

    We occasionally joke on how we get emails in our personal email accounts saying people are still trying to contact us and we should probably take them down because we feel bad that people are trying to contact us especially when you open an email in your personal account because it shows that you have read the email to the sender even if you haven’t logged on.

    A few days ago she offerered to help her friend with her match profile. When searching for profiles, my profile said I had been active within 5 days. She is now mad at me because she thinks I want to date other people and I am just like the other guys that hurt her. The only interaction I have had with match is when I open to delete the wink/emails sent to my personal yahoo account. I told her I recently gotten an email and deleted it but I have not been on in a long time.

    I have offered her to check my username/password to see that I do not have a subscription, told her to send me winks/emails to test it, want her to check her email message and see if her status changes, offered to call match to show my log on status, and now seeking advice.

    I have read that many complaints from match is the status option is flawed and can be triggered from simply receiving and deleting a email from match in your personal account.

    Any ideas on how I can get her to talk to me?

    Thanks

    (reply)
    • RockrGirl  February 6, 2012

      to Dave:

      “dave says:
      November 18, 2011 at 1:30 pm
      I have been dating a wonderful woman for over 3 months that I met on match. I am committed to her and crazy about her. When we were a month into our relationship I told her I was not going to renew my Match subscription because I only want her. She later said she would do the same and we took off the auto-renewal but we both never bothered to hide our profiles.
      We occasionally joke on how we get emails in our personal email accounts saying people are still trying to contact us and we should probably take them down because we feel bad that people are trying to contact us especially when you open an email in your personal account because it shows that you have read the email to the sender even if you haven’t logged on.
      A few days ago she offerered to help her friend with her match profile. When searching for profiles, my profile said I had been active within 5 days. She is now mad at me because she thinks I want to date other people and I am just like the other guys that hurt her. The only interaction I have had with match is when I open to delete the wink/emails sent to my personal yahoo account. I told her I recently gotten an email and deleted it but I have not been on in a long time.
      I have offered her to check my username/password to see that I do not have a subscription, told her to send me winks/emails to test it, want her to check her email message and see if her status changes, offered to call match to show my log on status, and now seeking advice.
      I have read that many complaints from match is the status option is flawed and can be triggered from simply receiving and deleting a email from match in your personal account.
      Any ideas on how I can get her to talk to me?
      Thanks”

      Dave

      I went through this with my now ex bf I met in July 2011 from Match.

      The system is not flawed, the players are.

      Hard to hear but this is how it should go if you expect to be trusted.

      First let’s talk about respect.

      If you do not know after a month of seeing someone if you would like to eliminate the rest to give her a fair shake, recognize that there is something that is not resonating for you and the best course of action is to be direct and tell her. None of this one foot in the bed and the other on the floor while exploring options.

      If you two have ongoing sex in any form , have respect for yourself as well as her and anyone else you are whispering to in bed – and either become exclusive if its going well or let her find a man who knows her worth and would like to share life with her.

      If you both have a profile on match and have been intimate on more than one occasion, one or both of you should step up to the plate and discuss the options. Are you both okay having profiles up and options available? Are you ok with having sexual relations with one another while your profiles are active? Are you ok with easier opportunities via online dating while shagging her? Would you be hurt if she did this to you and slyly hooked up with another guy? Would you be at ease knowing that if you are looking online you cannot give the relationship a chance? Are you ok that you may hurt both of you because opportunities come easier and in catalogue style online?

      The rules and regulations on match.com are available in the terms of use and service agreement when you sign up. This cannot be said enough:

      IGNORANCE IS NOT A DEFENSE FOR NOT KNOWING THOSE TERMS

      If you are able to set up a profile on match, you should familiarize yourself with how it works. You should know how the service works including the fact that a tracking cookie is on your profile associated with your email account. This MEANS whenever you open a wink or email from match.com on your REGULAR email account associated with match, the cookie logs you in and shows you as ONLINE within.

      Again- Ignorance is not a defense.

      Let’s take this one step further.

      If your account is hereby terminated and you have not renewed, why the HE** would you open a wink or email from a user from MATCH.com? Lets get brutally honest now.

      Is it the ego?
      Need to know if SEXYHOTFORYOU has something alluring to say in an email to you that might up the ante of the lady you supposedly are crazy about? (PS I MADE UP THAT SN).

      Why do you CARE and need to open a wink or email once you are exclusive? Dont lie. The subject is in your email subject line and says: SO AND SO sent you an email. So and So just winked at you. WHY are you opening that email at all? Guess what – if you did then you are not ready to be honest with her or yourself.

      If you had the conversation about killing both profiles there is NO excuse to open the emails or winks even now that you know the tidbit about the cookie auto log in I just told you about. NO REASON. Being exclusive means resisting temptation and focusing on the lady you are bedding and claim to be crazy about. Being crazy about her may not be enough if you have to check your match winks and mails. You need MORE. Its called self control or let her go find someone who will value himself and her enough to not open those tempting emails and winks.

      My ex – same thing. He opened an email and my friends said he was online within 24 hours. He was sent to them as a mutual match and it showed that he was online that day within ONE hour after he had with me in bed the night prior. I did not flip out. I spoke with him about it. He agreed to take it down. 5 days later – screen shots proved he had just been online and active. The first time I asked he claimed to answer an email without logging in to a woman who asked him a business related question. Really? Is this not a dating venue? She can consult someone else.

      He said he replied out of respect. What respect does he have for me then? He cared less about our relationship.

      The second time I found him online I dumped him. He went bananas and said he was crazy about me. Then instead of apologizing he yelled at me for knowing. He claimed I logged in to check. I said show me where my profile is./….its not even viewable. Secondly you are DAMNED right I checked. My sister looked on her computer from he account as she is on there, too. I am protecting myself from a man who HAD to answer an email to some woman on a dating site to be respectful. Even after three discussions and several screenshots as well as telling him HOW to delete his account and HOW to bury his cookie email tracks, he still could not resist.

      PLUS there is NO shame in publicly searching as a guest when he has or she has already lied or had been interested in emails and winks from people on there once exclusive. I have NO SHAME in making sure after I had been lied to ONCE to check again to be sure. No I did not log in. You don’t have to. I called match to make sure I did not falsely accuse him of being online if he was not. They checked and said he had been. They also indicated that to open an email or wink from the service from the associated account would show them as online. Is it really bad of them to do that? Nope. The responsible party is the man or woman who has to open those emails to stroke their ego or satisfy what they think is a harmless curiosity.

      You are either IN or you are OUT.

      EVERYONE – trust your instinct. NEVER doubt it. Don’t over react but do not ignore the nagging inconsistencies.

      Match member ignorance is not a defense. You are old and wise enough to read the TOS and have basic respect. If you play to your curiosity expect to lose that person. You are risking STDS,emotionally injuring people who deserve respect and maybe losing out on a really good person.

      In my situation he is now an ex for a reason. Finding out the basement roommate and he actually did have an intimate relationship after swearing up and down since July that he never touched her was the final straw of many in the red flags and numerous chances to be honest. I find this truth out many many months after dating when she kept walking up into his house and always there when I came over. She no longer used the other roommate entrance and decided it was A OK to walk in and chat with him even when I was there all the while shooting me filthy DIE WOMAN looks. I finally pushed him and he admitted he and she had a sexual relationship a long time ago and that he had lied but he felt nothing for her then or now. NICE. Nice guy. On all fronts.

      Denial is not a river in Egypt and you can do a non member search to check if he or she has lied to you before. No shame in protecting your biggest investment: your self esteem and right to know who you are in bed with….if its just one person or several unbeknownst to you.

      Dave – receiving or deleting a match.com email or wink will NOT auto log your account. OPENING the email will activate the cookie and log you in.

      So there you have it folks. Enough dirt to cover your tracks. And NEVER be ashamed to check if that person has lied to you. They are not looking out for you if they still are checking out the menu while proclaiming they are crazy about you. They can be crazy about you and still want to screw the basement chick.

  33. Brad  November 20, 2011

    Hey Dave – you might try sending her here to see that others have dealt with the problem. Everything I’m hearing is that if you open the email (even to just delete it), Match will now show you as active.

    Also, if you let your account expire and can prove that to her, that means you can’t read or reply to any communication so there’s really no risk of your profile being there. That’s besides the point really but it’s still true.

    Also, why not hide your profiles so other people won’t contact either of you? This could remove some of your problems but it would also be nice for those who are still dating online and trying to find someone interested (and obviously you’re not!)

    (reply)
    • RockrGirl  February 6, 2012

      Nora

      I completely empathize with you. What he did is not right and you did not deserve to be hurt like that. No wonder so many lose faith in the online dating venue.

      Myself along with many of my personal friends have reiterated your story to me through tears and hugs. The risk of being lied to is higher online because it is a catalogue of sorts. Higher numbers of people in the dating pool. Easier access to women and men verses the old fashioned way of courting and meeting.

      It is fabulous to have a weeded out process available in this day but the downside is evident.

      I set up some boundaries to lessen (not eliminate) the likelihood of this happening to me again. Perhaps this might help you as well.

      No sex until you both take down your profiles and agree to be exclusive. If you can share your body through sexual contact (which is clearly intimate contact), then you should be comfortable enough to have the talk about expectations. Stop fooling one another with the notion that we should not have expectations. It is NOT being needy. It is being wise and mature to set clear concise boundaries to value and protect your emotional sexual health.

      Boundaries are those funny lines in the sand women seem to have covered up to go along with these unfair NO EXPECTATIONS EVERYTHING GOES mentality that SOME men have. It is your right to care about your health and well being. Forgive the presumption that match.com is not intended to hook folks up for casual sex though it happens. The major idea is to help people find love.

      All it takes is one act of unprotected or oral sex and a habitual liar with high risk behavior to expose you to a lifetime of emotional and physical problems. There is no cure for herpes. There is no cure for HIV. There is no cure but an expensive therapist to sit with you for several sessions for emotional damage – to help re establish your self worth and value that was destroyed by one person who had the audacity to demand NO expectations while you jump to his cool as heck laid back beat. Often those profiles will read NO DRAMA. This means NO going against his grain or HIS rules. No being NEEDY or having boundaries. Check out that instinct and red flags. Never apologize for checking up on a person who has lied to you and promises to do better.

    • cheri  March 14, 2012

      Rock on Rockgirl!!! fabulous response and great advice. All this bull about the guy being scared of commitment and just being a guy is bull crap. I am in the same boat and I wil be having a discussion with my so called guy about this asap.

      ***Ladies please,I know this is very hard to understand and comprehend and digest, but plain and simple if you have been in a relationship with a guy and it has been over 2 months or so and he has told you that you are exclusive and that he does not want to be with anyone else, yet he still keeps his profile up even after you have confronted him… plain and simple, the guy is NOT that into you!!! He may like you, he may love you, he may be into you but…. in the back of his mind he is thinking…. hmmm, i wonder if i could find better…. I once heard a comedian say, the reason people marry another is because subconsciouly they think ” She/He is the best I can do for where I am in my life or for my leage” When I heard it, it was a funny but it definitely has some truth to it. I am sorry I know it is painful to hear .Also, Let’s just say for example he was doing it because he was bored, but had no other intentions… well even that is dangerous because I personally know so many couples who have broken up over facebook accounts, comments, pics etc… It always just starts so innocently, a person looks cute, they say hello and that could lead to a full blown relationship/affair/fling.. Ladies, be smart about this, like a previous poster said, respect yourselves, love yourselves, and have enough confidence to kick his azz to the curb if you have to… One day he will realize what he had and how he messed it up, may not be tomorrow but one day he will!

  34. Julie  December 5, 2011

    Brad,

    I am struck by how similar my experience is to so many others. I met someone online a year ago and we started dating six months ago. About a month into dating, I knew I really liked him and wanted to see where it was going to go. So, I hid my profile. About three months into dating, I knew I was starting to fall in love with him and I was bothered that his profile was still active, he would be on at least every other day. We saw each other at least once on the weekend and would text, email, IM and phone throughout the week.

    It finally bothered me so much that his profile was still active that I asked him about it. He said I shouldn’t be upset. That’s all he said. Over the course of the next month we continued seeing each other and had several attempts at “the talk”. He always tells me that he has a great time with me and I’m his favorite person, but that he never dated much when he was younger and thinks he owes it to himself to date around now. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone but me at present, but he wanted that option open. He said he had in the past gone from one serious relationship to another and wants to see what dating around is like.

    We continued seeing each other and finally I just told him that I had made it clear in my profile that I was seeking a long term relationship and that he had indicated that in his profile as well. I told him that if he had indicated all he wanted to do was date around, I’d never have gone out with him because i was looking for something more serious. I said that he really should think about changing that if his goal is simply to date around. He then said, “Maybe I am looking for a committed relationship and I just haven’t found the person to have that with yet.” He told me I was being needy but that he wanted to continue seeing me, but not be exclusive.

    Is there any hope here Brad? Should I just chalk it up to experience and walk away? That’s what I’m leaning toward. But I do remember in the summer we seemed very close. He did many kind and loving things…though he no longer does them. Is it too late to salvage anything…or was there anything to salvage?

    Any insight you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you!
    Julie

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  35. Brad  December 11, 2011

    Julie – I don’t think expecting someone to be honest is being “needy”.

    I can’t really speak to how much hope there is in this situation but maybe instead of walking away, you just open your options as well? You can continue to hang out with him but start looking to date other guys as well? This might provide him time to come around while at the same time giving yourself a chance to find someone who’s looking for the same thing you’re looking for. Of course, you should only do this if you could be comfortable with it. If you couldn’t be, walking away could very well be the best option.

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  36. Emma  January 2, 2012

    Hi Brad,

    Sorry to repeat the same thing, just wanted to see if you could help me a little. I started dating a guy 3 months ago. After 2 months he asked me to be his girlfriend – actually an old college friend of his we met on the street asked if I was his gf and then a few mins later I told him that I did not want to continue to see him unofficially so he asked me to be his girlfriend and said he’d tried to ask many times but was too shy. Since then things are going fantastically. He is super attentive when we are together, has introduced me to all of his friends who have warmly accepted me into their circle as one of their own. When we are together his behavior to me in without fault and amazingly caring. However, I know has has a dating profile because a few weeks after we started dating my friend who uses the site told me she saw a profile for him. She showed me the profile and it said he was interested in meeting women for dates. Anyway, I wasn’t worried about the profile as we were only a few weeks into dating so I had just forgotten about it. But, last weekend over in the same friends house she told me that his profile is still there. We had a look and he has changed his profile to looking for women for friends. But his write up still says he wants dates. The fact that he changed his profile means that he still uses the site. I am a little upset so a few days I set up a fake profile with photos of another friend he has never met and messaged him. He did not reply. I checked the messages tonight and it said he was online now so I messaged him with hi how are you, he didn’t respond. How do you think I should proceed. Also, as a side note. He hides his friends list on facebook and has changed his relationship status from “single” to hidden since he asked me to be his gf. Should alarm bells be ringing.

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  37. Brad  January 6, 2012

    Emma – I think you should gently ask him about it but not attack him about it. His status updating from:

    “interested in meeting women for dates”

    to:

    “interested in meeting women for friends”

    is a pretty good update as far as updates go. Yeah, a deleted profile would be best (or updated text) but at least he has it heading in the right direction.

    Just to play devils advocate: let’s imagine he totally forgot about this profile. Then he gets an email from an interested woman and he says, “Oh wow, I need to update my profile”. He goes to this site and changes his status without thinking about his profile text and logs out.

    Now I’m not saying this is what is happening but I would argue he seems to deserve a little more benefit of the doubt than some of the other guys discussed here.

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    • Emma  January 19, 2012

      Thankyou for your advice about my dilema above. I just wanted to give you an update. I have not confronted my boyfriend about this online dating profile yet. I would really like him to come to the realization that he needs to delete it himself!!! I have never done online dating myself but because of my boyfriends profile I now log in under a fake profile every day to check his activity. He goes online every day Brad yesterday he was online in the morning and in the evening. Now, he only goes online for a couple of minutes at a time whenever he does log in. I was able to get a hold of his phone last week and saw that he had the dating site application on it. He did not have any sent messages in his sent out box. He had a couple of messages received – one of which was from my fake profile. He never responded to that message by the way. In the meantime Brad he treats me very well and has introduced me to his parents and all his friends. I was at dinner in his parents house tonight. These actions tel me that he likes me and is trying to have a serious relationship with me. The online dating profile is tellng me that he is still keeping his options open just incase. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell him I know about the profile because even if he appologises and deletes it. Then he will always know that I found out and, the guilt he may feel could jeopardise our relationship. Or he could tell me that he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. I really like this gy so I want to give him a chance to delete the profile of his own accord. But what if he doesn’t… I cannot go on for years knowing the profile is there. I also feel really guilty for the snooping online I can’t believe I have resorted to this I’m ashamed :(

  38. Erica  January 14, 2012

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. We met on a dating site and were surprised to find that even though we live in a small town we had never met. I just turned 22 and he wil be turning 30. In the first few weeks we were together I was worried about how my daughter would react to being around a new guy. She fell in love with him. A couple months ago I started to have a “gut” feeling that he was doing things that he didn’t want me to know about. So I began “snooping” and found that even though after 6 months he was still using the dating site that we met on, but he is doing it from his phone so that I can’t check. But my daughter has this thing where she loves to look at his pictures and since his phone is touch screen and she is only 3 she sometimes hits other buttons, well about a week ago she opened his browser and ended up on the exact dating site I am talking about. He is still getting messages from other women on there and I told him that she accidentally hit it (I didn’t even act mad) and he turned it around like it was me and said I was probably snooping (this time I really wasn’t!). He said the only reason he was on it was to try to figure out why they took $20 out of his account. After that we never said another word about it and have been hanging out like nothing happened. I have even offered to show him how to delete it but that conversation always ends quickly. I have also noticed that on his computer he is getting on another site and looking at personals, mostly from other states. We text when we aren’t hanging out or he calls on lunch, and he is always talking about OUR future with my daughter. My biggest worry is my daughter, she is VERY attached to him and tells him that he is her best friend and she loves him, and he tells her the same. They have become almost impossible to keep apart! Since we see each other daily (he gets mad if we don’t) I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore and its taking its toll on me. I really do love him and want to be with him, everything would be great if I could just figure out how to get him off those sites. Help please?? :(

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  39. Brad  January 16, 2012

    Hi Erica – I’m honestly not sure how you could get him off the sites barring getting more aggressive with him about it. I understand not wanting to fight and dropping it but his excuse for being on the site was pretty weak…

    Also, based on his responses to your previous questions, I get the feeling if you were able to prove he was using the services his response is going to be a strong one (and to me it seems like the wrong person is getting angry!)

    I know it is difficult to address this issue but I do worry that if you don’t, in the long run your daughter could be hurt more, not less. I realize she’s already reached that point where it would be devastating for her to lose him but allowing it to continue only to have things end over this a few years from now isn’t going to improve things for her. So I would hope her relationship with him would encourage you to be more aggressive about understanding what he’s doing.

    If you can’t bring yourself to be more aggressive about the situation in person, one thing you could try is to also create a profile on the site (if he’s using a free one). If you see that he’s active all the time, you could send him an email from your dating account to his and ask him why he’s so active on the site. I’m sure this will make him angry but it will be pretty hard for him to deny (and I get the feeling that you’re going to have to accept him getting angry if you want to pursue solving this problem, regardless of how you approach it).

    Also, it is possible that he just likes getting emails to stroke his ego and isn’t looking for a relationship. This doesn’t make leaving his profile up is right…but it could mean that he is committed to you even though he is taking an action that suggests otherwise (so don’t lose all hope!)

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    • Erica  January 26, 2012

      Ok so I never talked to him about the dating site but I found out that he isn’t using the site we met on anymore but that he has set up an account for a totally different site and tried to hide that it’s really him so that no one will know. He changed the city to the town he used to live in, shrunk his height by 2 inches, and hasn’t put up a picture. I know its him because of the wording he used and the things he is looking for. His title on the site is “Just Looking” but his goal is to “fall in love”….that kinda confuses me…but I have created a fake profile on the same site with no picture and said that I don’t have any kids and made myself 2 inches taller and also put that I live in the town I grew up in. He has no idea that I know about this site. The worst part is that he is doing this WHILE I am sitting in the SAME room, but hides what site he is on! I just have no idea what to do anymore…He is acting like everything is good other than my crazy moodiness lately (I think some of it has to deal with him and the other is just a mix of things bothering me). He is introducing me to his dad (who lives out of state but is coming to visit) next week, so thats kind of a big deal but yet he is still doing this…HELP PLEASE!

    • Brad  January 26, 2012

      Erica – have you tried talking with him about this more aggressively? At this point, assuming you’re right, I’m not sure what other options you have.

      That said, I’d be careful to really be sure that he owns that profile. There could be other people who write like him!

  40. Brenda  January 16, 2012

    So I have been seeing this guy for two months and we’ve gotten fairly close. We live an hour apart so I only see him once a week -but we talk or text daily. He goes out of his way to text me just to say hi, good morning, or see how my day is going. He is doing everything right.

    Found his Facebook page and his relationship status says involved with another girl. I asked about it and to his credit -it is an old flame and he hasn’t been on the site since April. We were out with his family and friends yesterday and I just happened to catch a text message on his phone that said “what are you doing babe” to the very same girl.

    Obviously upset, he asked me later what was wrong and I told him. He said its nothing..but between the texts and the online dating profile still being live I am not sure what to do. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but the miles between us and the unknown are really bring out the jealousness in me and I don’t like it.

    He said he is only seeing me and I shouldn’t worry…but…should I?

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  41. Brad  January 18, 2012

    Brenda – was he the one who sent the text or did he receive that text? If he sent it that would be more concerning to me. I think it’s reasonable for you to be concerned based on what you’ve found and I think it’s reasonable for you to let him know that. There’s evidence that he may be talking to an ex….why wouldn’t you be concerned? It may be that he’s being honest and he’s only seeing you but the whole “actions speak louder than words” thing isn’t doing him any favors and were I in a situation like yours I would want to let him know that. It’s one thing to say someone is the only one for you, it’s another thing to actually live that out.

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  42. Ren  January 22, 2012

    Hey Brad-
    I met a guy on a dating website about 3 weeks ago, and ever since then (tons of long emails back and forth), we’ve been really attached. We’ve skyped almost every night for 4+ hours a night, and we text all day. To be honest, he’s 23 and I’m 18. He doesn’t have a problem with it and I obviously don’t either. I have told my parents and he has claimed that he’s told his as well. He calls me every good name in the book, such as “baby”, “my girl”, and the works. He even told me that the first time he saw me he knew he’d marry me one day. This might come off as being too ‘charming’ or ‘player-like’, but it’s actually not. He has been a total gentleman and he even went into a “domestic partnership” with me on Facebook (haha). Anyways, we finally went on a date last night. He came all the way here (drove 40 minutes in practically a blizzard), and his birthday was three days ago so I made him a cute blanket. During the date, he continued to say the same things that he’s been saying to me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. He was so into me and I was into him, too. We played around in the snow like little kids, cuddled, watched a movie at the theater, and got shakes. I said, “Dare I ask if we can see other people?” That was sarcastic and with a smirk. He looked at me weirdly, and said “NO!” and smiled. He kissed me and looked at me for a second and said, “Hell no! If you say that again I’ll put a sock in it” Also, with a smirk, playfully. We had the most incredible night (no intimacy) and I felt so so so comfortable. He even came inside to meet my parents (he was so nervous) but unfortunately, they went to bed before we got there. I told him at the end, “I’ll get home and delete my profile :P ” He goes, “So will I Ren :) ” So that night when he got home, we texted for about an hour and he told me what a great time he had and that he can’t wait til I’m in the same college as him so we can always be together. Obviously, I was so taken by him. Not by his charm or anything, but by the effort he puts into being with me and everything. He takes out so much time from his busy schedule to Skype with me, which he initiates a lot, and he drove to see me and paid and was a huge gentleman. He’s witty, funny, smart, caring, and ambitious. We clicked on SO many levels, it was insane. So today, he said good morning, etc. and we texted all day. I told him earlier today that I had deleted my profile, “just to let him know”. He said, “I’ll be deleting mine too!” So obviously, I creeped today and you can see (even if you’re not a member with a profile) if a username of a profile exists. I checked, and he’s been online in the past 4 hours. I, the obsessor that I am when I genuinely have feelings for someone, made a fake profile and emailed him “hi!” just so I could see when he’s online (not to get a response. It’s just that the sent messages show when that user has been online). He not only read the email but he also viewed my profile. That just killed me. I could honestly envision us together for a long long time, and it just came as a blow. He’s everything that I want in a guy. I’m just so impatient. And today when we were texting I said (in response to something), “I mean I like you enough to know that I don’t wanna see others.” He goes, “Aww :) you like me so much to delete it. I feel the same way. And I don’t feel like I wanna see others either.” So what’s going on? I’m so upset by this. Also, I apologize for the novel. I just immensely like him, and I haven’t felt this way about anyone. I like to stay chill, but it’s hard when the person I deeply like and have put a lot of time into isn’t willing to sacrifice his current dating life while I am. It’s just what always happens to me and I really would appreciate it if you would tell me what my next move should be and how this should turn out/how he feels and what he may be thinking. Btw, he told me today that he would need my parents’ consent and then we both just changed the subject. Also, he is seeking a long term relationship and he loves love as I do (from what he’s told me). Thanks so much, I really appreciate it, Brad.

    (reply)
  43. Brad  January 22, 2012

    Hey Ren – at this point I’d suggest giving him a bit more time. I know it’s annoying but he’s being open about it and I don’t feel like anything you describe is “shady” (yet). Yeah, it would be nice if when he got the “Hi” email if he would have said to himself, “Oh, that reminds me, I should hide my profile!” but I wouldn’t fault him much for looking at the fake profile. If a woman had emailed me after I met my wife, I probably would have looked at the profile even though I knew I’d met “the one”…I think sometimes it’s more about wanting to know who was interested in you as opposed to pursuing them.

    All that said, given how you two talk I would expect it to be down very soon (within the next week). If it’s not, you might want to have a more direct conversation regarding it….even though it’s obviously an uncomfortable thing to do.

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  44. Ren  January 22, 2012

    Thanks Brad. I’ll give him time. I slightly said some of my concerns today (coming off as joking) and he lied and said he hasn’t been online since the time of our date to take his profile down. I’m nervous that if I were to message him from that fake account he would indeed respond. So if he doesn’t take it down within the next week, and I approach him about it again, wouldn’t it come off as pushing? I don’t wanna pressure him, as I want him to make the choice on his own, but it’s still so annoying that he lied, twice actually. If he’s unsure, why am I sure?

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  45. Zerlina  January 23, 2012

    I met him nearly 2 years ago on a dating website. He checks his emails in front of me and I didn’t think much of it that he still got emails from another dating website and he had said he couldn’t remember the password. Anyway, last week his sister had been awful to me and I was home alone and upset. I was online, depressed and feeling miserable. In the browser history I was looking to see if he had been viewing porn websites when I noticed a dating website there. He had left it logged in and I noticed from the history he had checked some of the women out but he didn’t have a premium account. I feel awful doing that but once I saw it I clicked on it. No one else uses the laptop except us. Why is he window-shopping for other women when he says he wants to marry me? We were meant to get married next month and now it’s been pushed back to Easter. I brought it up with him, as I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t seen his profile. I said I had made an account and saw him on there. I asked why he was on there still. Same lie as before he didn’t know how to delete. I can easily deactive or suspend it. He said he had nothing to feel guilty about. How can a man give me a stupid meaningless ring and tell me he can’t to get married to me etc and then do something wreckless? I know he’s been feeling unwell & low lately and my sister doesn’t help the cause. This last weekend he finally got the courage to inform his mother that he had proposed (6 months ago!). Where has all the trust gone, now i feel he’s been doing this the entire length of our relationship? It seems to have disappeared overnight and I feel lousy and worthless.

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  46. Laura  January 25, 2012

    hello Brad,

    PLEASE PLEASE help me! im a young girl 22, my guy is 22 too. we met on a chat room site back in June. We got on amazingly well. he evenetually wanted to come visit me within a couple of weeks of chatting. This required him to travel like 3 hours to visit me where i was at that time…..

    Wr had the most INCREDIBLE time! Tbh, i think we were both so shocked at how well we got on, how much we had in common and how much we were laughing. I can honestly say it was incredible for us both :)

    We met a coupld more times and then slept together, its not something i do easily at alllllllllll, it just felt right at the time. My feelings for him were getting so deep and I wanted to be his gf.

    Pretty soon after he tells me his parents want him to start thinking about seeing a family friend’s daughter from the same background as them. His parents are apparently reaaaaaaaally keen on this idea and so are hers. The keep saying they will hav a good future together and will make them proud if they get married one day.

    He told me he isnt keen on that idea but at the saem time how he doesnt want to make them unhappy. Anyways, we still met up and spoke very very regularly over the next 6 months. However, after a while i think we both stepped back slightly due to this situation. So we stopped meeting up but we kept tlking.

    After 6months we decided to meet up again finally and it was just INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!! honestly we laughed sooooooooooooo so soooo much :)

    We went to a spa, it was beautiful and we ended up staying the night together…….. im not proud of myself but again it felt so so right, I had fallen for him through all these months. It just felt right.

    We spent most of the night talking to be honest with you. He was very interested in asking me about my life, my opinions, my family, my experiences and he genuinely seemed to care and to want to listen. I have never seen a guy so keen to listen to me in my life. We seem to hav a major connection. He was very sweet and affectionate. It feels so much like a relationship and that he is warminig to the idea, but we havent discussed it cos we cant due to his parents and their plans for him.

    My friends all think he seems to really like me… I hope s too.

    Anyways then necxt evening, when we arer leaving, we hav an odd goodbye, but then i guess we always do. He tells me how lovely a time he had and how he doesnt kno if we will definately be able to meet again due to the situation. He tells me to look after myself and tries to make the goodbye casual and jokey….. I ask for a proper goodbye and he hugs me and hesitates to kiss me…….. I guess cos he doesnt want to be too attached? or to try and keep a friendship if we cant hav more maybe???? anyway we end the goodbye on some jokes and pull funny faces at each other as i drive off.

    A few days later I log back onto the online chat room we met on seven moneths ago, I made a new profile and he was online………….

    He opened a convo, I spoke to him like i normally do and we got on so well but he did notttttt kno it was me! he asked for my msn and said he is getting on with me shockingly well………..

    I add him on a new account and he gave me an email address i didnt even kno about.

    He was really keen to see a pic of me so i showed him a few not too close up, he kept asking for closer pics…………

    eventually he says WOW U LOOK JUS LIKE MY FRIEND, ARE YOU HER!?!?!?!! LOL, and that this was “creepy”. i said nahhhhhhh im not her. and after a few mins said i needed to go.

    His convo with me, pretending to be another woman was not flirty, it was more obscenely friendly tbh and he was keen to open a convo, be friendly, (overly maybe) ask for msn or skype…. and see a normal pic of me………..

    KEEP IN MIND IT WASNT MORE THAN EXTREMELY FRIENDLY AND JOKEY………

    but brad, my problem is this, WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!! i love him but he wont commit, using this family thing as an excuse i guess, but then he still is online tlking to random women whilst keeping me in and out of his life?!?!?!!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!! We tlk veryyyyyyyyyy veryyyyyyy often and I guess I havent mentioned being official in maybe 7 months :S maybe i should again?! but i really dunno! he probably doesnt even kno that i love him or that i still want a relationship with him cos i try hard to act calm and cool with everything….. im just so scared of losing him………. also do u think his story is true?!?!?!?!!? and do u think he is using me for sex ??????? (i dont think so cos we hav met without sex and because we tlk about everything for months now)

    I wud like to add we are both the same age and same religion but from differentt cultures origionally (they are similar). We are both born and riased in the UK.

    please please please help me and God bless you xxxxxxx

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  47. Laura  January 25, 2012

    also is he cheating? or a player………….?

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  48. Brad  January 26, 2012

    Zerlina – I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Have you been 100% open with him on how all this makes you feel?

    Also, the not knowing how to deactivate the account doesn’t fly and I bet if you deactivated it for him he’d get upset (well, from what you describe…that’s just a guess).

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  49. Brad  January 26, 2012

    Laura – I think it would be a good time to mention being official again. I know you may not want to for fear of what the answer will be but in the long run it’s better to know sooner rather than later in my mind. If he’s never going to commit, wouldn’t you rather know now as opposed to 6 months from now?

    For you other questions on if his story is true or if he was using you for sex…I really have no idea. To me, it sounds like another guy who isn’t necessarily cheating but is struggling to commit. It is concerning that he would trying to chat with other women where you met though. That’s not a good sign at all.

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  50. nora  January 29, 2012

    I think that many guys who use internet dating think of it as a “SMORGESBORD” and feel that it is their right to taste everything on offer!! This happened to me after being in an exclusive relationship for 14 months. I also had a gut feeling as it had happened to me previously. I got my revenge though and set him up by using a friend’s profile to catch a great big rat (and even though it was me he was writing to he still lied and lied and lied) and I caught him out big time. The emails he wrote to her were very flattering and he said beautiful things to her just like he did when he first met me and how he wanted to meet her and possiibly have a relationship with her. He even had the brashness to say in his email to this imaginary girl (who was me): ” I am also very honest with my partners, nothing can be built on lies…..If you NEED to lie, perhaps its time to keave.” I then printed this section out and asked him again if he was cheating on the internet and he looked me straight in the eyes and said: “definitely not”. I then handed him the piece of paper and headed for the door. I then said: ” I AM THE OTHER GIRL” The look on his face was priceless especially when he realised that all of the stuff he had written (and there was pages and pages of very intimate stuff) was all sent to me. BUT revenge wasn’t sweet as he then sent me an email about his lack of self confidence and his poor self image and how it gave him such an ego boost as his mother never loved him blah, blah, blah, blah. A lot of men are damaged and just don’t know how to love or be loved.

    The only problem is that I now trust NO-ONE and everyone I meet on the net is suspect, although now I keep my profile up (even though I do not use it) so at least they know I my profile is still active. If I want to check on someone I just use a friend’s profile to see when they were last online. The same is happeningto me again so maybe next time I will try meeting someone who DOESN’T have a computer as I am rapidly losing faith in meeting someone who is HONEST and LOYAL and can commit to one person.

    I live in hope that not everyone is the same and that there are genuine men out there.

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  51. Alisa  February 6, 2012

    I, like most people here, have a very similar situation. I met a man on match about 4 months ago, and things have been wonderful. I had been on a few dates from the site, and was just about to lose interest completely when I met him. He’s military, so his schedule is pretty screwy, but since my work schedule is easily manipulated, he proposed that I get it to match it as closely to his as possible so we have the same days off. We spend a good deal of our free time together, he’s met my friends and family (he has no one here, but his family knows about me), and we have an amazing time whenever we are together. We had the exclusive talk, and we both agreed to not see anyone else – but we aren’t exactly “official” yet because of the uncertainty of his job (he’s at risk of being sent overseas for a minimum of 2 years). In about another month or so, he will know for sure if he will stay here or be sent away, and we have agreed to talk about being officially exclusive at that time. I offered my patience in return for his honesty. About 2 weeks after we met, I cancelled my match account, and closed out my POF profile. He said that he had taken his match account down, and I believed him. I had no reason not to. About a week ago, I noticed that he had the POF app installed on his phone, and he just got a new phone a few days before that – so I calmly asked him about it. He claimed a guy he worked with asked him to check out and see if his wife was messing around. I let it go. Two days ago, someone brought his POF account to my attention, knowing that we were “together”, so I got online and checked it out. It was identical to the match account he had (still has actually, but there’s been no activity for months). Again, I calmly asked him about this, and he seemed genuinely confused. He said that he hadn’t been on that one in months and didn’t even remember the login – even though it said he had been online literally right before I called him. He even offered to show me the “fake” account he was using to help his friend. I was completely honest with him that I had looked him up, and he told me that he ex-wife took his old computer after they split up and that’s the computer he had used to sign up. He’s never given me a reason to not trust him, when we aren’t physically together he calls and tells me where he’s going and what he’s doing, we talk and text daily, and he’s told me that I make him happy. We are planning a tropical vacation in a few months, we’ve taken several weekend trips together, we’ve brought up the subject of moving in together if he doesn’t get sent away, and I’m seriously falling for him. I have some serious trust issues from being cheated on in past relationships, but I’m trying not to let that cloud my judgement. We are both almost 30 years old, and I really want to believe him. Until now, nothing about him has bothered me at all, and I would hate for this to ruin what could be a great thing. Does it seem like he could be telling the truth? Or am I being played?

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    • Sarah  February 8, 2012

      @ Alsia – I say dump him. It’s not worth it. If you guys are planning vacations and are seeing each other soo frequently, he should have more respect for you and not have ANY active accounts. That is just rude and disrespectful. Also, he may get deployed and leave. Find someone who makes things easy for you, not hard and stressful. Just my opinion. Best of luck!

    • Alisa  February 19, 2012

      Hi Sarah – thank you for your opinion. Fortunately, things have been wonderful and things just keep getting better between us. Both accounts are still “active” technically, but there hasn’t been any activity on either. A few days after I posted, he and I went to lunch and had a serious talk about it. We had talked about it over the phone and via text message and it left me unsettled, but talking to him about it face to face has made a serious impact on how I felt. As far as the deployed thing, he is getting deployed in a few months, and this is something I knew about not long after we met. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make for him – something I never would have done for anyone else. I’ve lived in a military town my whole life, and I avoided dating military men for that entire reason. After spending the last 5 months with him, I’m decided that I made the right choice. We actually had a very serious conversation about the future last weekend, and ours seems bright. There’s the possibility of a move for him in the future after his military career ends, and he has asked me to go with him if that possibility becomes a reality – I accepted. I’ve developed some very strong feelings for him and I feel that I am making the right move in continuing to see him. Any insecurities I had were short lived – he has proved to me through his actions that I can trust him. Gaining my trust, after my past, is not an easy task and he has managed to do it. You say to find someone who makes things easy for me — but relationships are not easy, and if they are, they aren’t real. There are going to be ups and down, good and bad – you just have to be willing to put forth the work. I would rather have someone that challenges me and pushed me to be a better person every day, and I intend to do the same. Regardless of the challenges faced, I want someone who brings out the best in me – and he brings out a side of me I haven’t seen in years that I love. I’m glad I decided to stick with him.

  52. Rhia  February 8, 2012

    Hi Brad,
    I desperately need your insight! This article has been very helpful but I want something a little bit more specific. I met my guy online just before xmas 2011. Our emails were immediately riveting and he even told me it seemed like we knew each other for ages. Finally we decided to meet on 7 Jan. We set it up on Tuesday.

    Now before I proceed let me give you a bit of a background – I had broken up with my ex 2 days before xmas since he had been MIA for 2 months which drove me insane.
    So when I didn’t hear from this guy till Friday afternoon, I was in no mood to wait and was not happy – and you can understand why since I had spent all my patience with my ex. When he tried to confirm, I told him I hade forgotten we had a date and promised lunch to a friend. I apologised for my amnesia and told him I’d be hanging out with a friend at a pub after work and if he dropped by I could get him a drink to make up. No response.

    Later that evening me and my friend were going to move to another location and I texted him to let him know. Till that time though we had exchanged numbers but he had not texted me. Once I texted him he was quick with his response and asked me to come over to his suburb. He even said ‘never look a gift horse in the mouth’ and I asked ‘who is the gift horse, you or me?’. He couldn’t answer. You see he is 34 and I am 33. We are both very well established and pleasing to the eye. We are both very social and ambitious. I don’t have any lack of self esteem but I don’t call myself a gift horse! I was getting ‘player’ vibes from him by this time.

    Finally after quite a bit of texting we couldn’t meet up. The next morning he begged to meet me and we agreed to brunch on Sunday (9 Jan). On Sunday (and I knew he was going to do this) he cancelled saying he had to go to meet his folks for lunch – he didn’t even reschedule. I didn’t say anything.

    On Monday he contacts me and asks to lock in a time and date. I tell him I am very busy through the week and can manage Saturday. He told me had a b’day but could manage to meet me for a bit and a drink at 12pm. Later in the week he asks if I had any cancellations and I told him I hadn’t. On Friday (13 Jan) he tells me that he was going to his mates place for dinner so if I’d like to join. I couldn’t but told him to drop by the club where I was going with my friends. Though he said he’d try – he didn’t. Next morning he tried to cancel and I wouldn’t allow it. I had a longer night than him but I wasn’t going to pull back. So we met and he told me he was glad I had pushed him out. He asked me when my last relationship was. We had a great time. But he didn’t pay for my lunch – just gave me the change for his coffee. I was upset since according to dating norm he should have paid. While we were saying goodbye he asked me out and I agreed. 20 minutes later he texted and told me I was far ‘hotter’ in person.

    On Monday I texted him and we texted the whole day. Things were going great and he asked me to meet him on Thursday. I agreed. He had told me earlier that he wanted to get off the dating site. I never made any such claims. Between Monday and Thursday I noticed he was logging in. So when I met him on Thursday I asked him why he was online if he so wanted to get off. And he said he had logged in to show his friends my picture – that I was THE highlight of the weekend. We ended up sleeping together and he spent the night at my place. The next morning I asked why he always tried to meet me during weekdays and he said it was just a coincidence cos his weekends would get so busy. And then he asked me to accompany him to his brother’s girlfriend’s b’day. I did bring up exclusivity but he said ‘isn’t it too early?’. I agreed and let it go. Later that night I noticed he had taken his profile off and I was very happy. But he did cancel on an invitation to join me at my friend’s farewell on Sunday. We still caught up on Sunday evening and it was lovely.

    I was noticing a few things – even when I’d be around his neck of the woods and invite him to join me and my friends – he wouldn’t. He was suddenly not wanting me to meet his friends. Earlier he would ask me to do so. Also he told me we ‘want different things’. He wanted ‘something casual at the moment’ but wasn’t sure if he wanted to see others. ‘Am in no rush at the moment’ he said. I realised it was early days and though it hurt I let it go.
    I did a very filtered search on the website and discovered a replica account – without a public picture. I let it slide since it hadn’t been in use since 8 Jan – which was before we had met. I kept refreshing the search everyday – I don’t know why and then last Friday morning I was shocked when I saw that not only had he been online but he had uploaded his picture. I texted and welcomed him back and told him to enjoy. He answered back telling me that he knew I’d been online too. I told him since he wanted to keep things casual I didn’t know what to do. We met later that day and he told me his friend had informed him earlier in the week that I’d been on it a bit and he was shocked and angry and that’s why he used this other profile. We met later that evening and had a good conversation where I told him to ask the next time. He held my hand…he put his arms round me and we had a lovely time once more. I told him how I felt he was hiding me – that he wasn’t taking me out to dinner or movies. He said he wasn’t doing any of that on purpose and I was wrong to think he was intentionally doing those. I asked him playfully several times if he’d take the profile off – he never gave answers. He told me he was the ‘luckiest guy in the world to have a great catch like me’..that he liked me. When we were saying goodbye I told him I would miss him and he said ‘I am already missing you’. He’s spoken a lot about his parents and himself and his friends and his work. He’s been honest and direct with his answers.

    I thought things were fine since then but no….he’s still online though he made his picture private. I asked him on Sunday and he said he was in there cleaning up his inbox before deleting. I know you don’t need to clean up anything to deactivate an acct. I had on Sunday deactivated mine. He wanted to meet me on Sunday evening but I couldn’t and then I was shocked to see that he had repeatedly logged into his account. So I asked him – was very upset by then. He keeps pushing things back on me. He says ‘if you can keep your options open, why can’t I’ and I’ve told him several times I don’t want to keep my options open. On Sunday he told me he thought it was harmless to email though he was only seeing me. I didn’t agree to that. Then he tells me since he had been in relationships up until now, he’s just not ready for a ‘full on relationship’ and that he likes checking when he’s bored. None of this sits well with me. I activated my account and let him know. I was terribly upset. On Monday he asked if he could see me on Tuesday and I told him I wouldn’t mind but I wasn’t getting intimate since I didn’t like the idea of him flirting and dating other women. He got angry and said he wasn’t doing anything like that and he would take it off when he thought the time was right. Again he pushed it back on me and I had had enough. So I told him we should try not to bring it up again and that since he’s a mature person I’ll leave it on him. We met on Monday and had a great time. Again he didn’t pay for me – he has NEVER paid for me and I don’t run up big bills – max $20 but he won’t. However he did mention valentines day. Also we made plans to meet on Friday.

    Anyway I am really confused cos y’day he was online 3 times – I haven’t even gone into my account. Today morning his picture is public again and he’s been online every hour :( I have deactivated my account since I don’t want to bother with it. I am very upset. Why is he doing this? Has his ego been hurt that I was online when he had removed the earlier account? Is he just being stubborn and testing me? Baiting me? Or is this an addiction now – the attention? Or am I a time filler till he finds something better. He’s told me his biggest fear is ‘missing the boat’ – as in not getting married and having kids at a decent age. So why is he still looking? I am not asking for a commitment or exclusivity but when he knows how much it’s hurting me why is he not turning it off?

    Please…please shed some light on this…and please tell me what I should do. Is he playing me? He’s been in love 3 times….and shares so much about himself with me…so why is he pushing me away like this….if I am such a great catch then why lose me? Doesn’t he realise I am losing trust in him?

    Thanks in advance…..!!

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  53. Sarah  February 8, 2012

    I met a guy 2 months ago on match. He asks me out every weekend and also at least once during the week. After about a month, I hid my profile. I asked him if we are exclusive and he said yes. Then I noticed that his profile was still active. I confronted him about it and said that it bothers me that you still have your profile up on match. He said that he doesn’t use it and doesn’t care about it and was planning on taking it down. Two weeks go by and it is still up. I told him again that it makes me feel as though I can’t trust him if his profile is still visible because that means he is still single. I also told him that we agreed to be exclusive and that having an active profile tells other women that he is still single and it is disrespectful and unacceptable to me. He said that I have trust issues and that he is not doing anything or talking to anyone else. So, I asked “why do you have the profile up when you know it bothers me this way? I feel as though you don’t care about the way I feel and that makes me wonder….” He said he doesn’t like being told what to do. It has been another 2 weeks after that conversation and his profile is still active. So, I put my profile back up today and I am not going to tell him. I am just going to start dating other people and not even worry about it. And I am not going to ask him about what he wants to do. I am going to do what I want because he is surely doing what he wants. Also, Ladies, exclusivity is a trap for women and a benefit to men. At this point in time it is not wise to promise exclusivity to any man without a proposal. Just my opinion. Keep your options open and don’t care too much about what the men do…care about how it makes you feel. What do you all think about this guy? Loser, Liar or Commitment phobe??

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  54. christine  February 9, 2012

    Dear Brad, I have been dating a great guy for 2 months now…he joined Match.com a couple of months prior to meeting me. We are exclusive and are both in love and very happy. When I broached him on this subject a few weeks ago, he assured me he was NOT interested in other women and that this dating site would not allow him to remove his profile until his subscription ended. Now I am not sure whether this is a lie or if he is playing me? Please help!

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  55. Brad  February 10, 2012

    Rhia – I doubt he’s “testing” you or baiting you. I think it’s more likely he still wants attention or that he’s lying (unfortunately). I can’t say which one it is but I do think if he’s keeping his options open you’ll really want to do the same thing (and not just saying you are to convince him to stop). When he says he’ll take it down when the time is “right”…well, if you’re dating someone and you keep telling her you’re not going to date anyone else then the right time is now!

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  56. Brad  February 10, 2012

    Christine – I think it’s likely that he’ll find another excuse, but you can explain to him how to hide his profile: log into match then click Profile then Settings and then set the profile to hidden. I know you can hide your profile when you have an active subscription because I’ve done it so don’t let him try to convince you he can’t do that either.

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  57. Rhia  February 11, 2012

    Thanx a lot Brad!! A bit has happened since I wrote to you. we had a heated text exchange on Wednesday. I had created a fake profile & contacted him. He responded with the patent ‘interested & looking forward to your email’. I was shocked!! Around the same time he texted & I started sending very cryptic responses. Ultimately he said he thinks we need a break for a week or two – that things were getting messy & the last thing he wanted is to hurt me. He said he wanted something casual & laid back. When I quizzed him, he said casual meant no rules & includes going on dates. He said the past few days had driven him crazy & we should cool it. We had plans for Friday but he said the weekend was best spent with friends. While I agreed to casual & laid back – and only cos he said he’s just come out of a relationship & doesn’t want something full on (and I have too but I am ready) I did not saying anything about the seeing other ppl business. He then contacted me Thursday evening & said ‘Seeya tomorrow’. I was already assuming we had broken up so I was surprised. I didn’t respond – later he texts me ‘I’ll come over’…and then again ‘I’ll come over’. I replied next morning and told him I had other plans since I thought we were on a break. He said that’s fine cos him & his friends would go back to the city in any case. That he would go to the place we had dinner at on Monday since it was ‘so so good’. I didn’t answer. I had a dinner date that evening & due to some sudden dramas it didn’t go ahead – I came home & realised I couldn’t find my mobile. I was very upset & contacted him – he came over & not only calmed me down but sorted things out for me. I am not checking up on him anymore cos that upsets me. I need a break from online dating so I’ve hidden my profile. I have a date today & I did mention to him on Friday night that I had a date then. No reaction from him but when we were talking about the weekend it was clear he had no dates. He was very attentive towards me & was making plans to go to football games with me. He even gave me a massage. So I am confused. This online dating drama made me push him & drove him ‘crazy’. We decide on a break but it doesn’t happen. He knows I am dating other ppl. But he’s still so kind to me to help me in my time of need. He seems genuine but he won’t take his profile off & commit. Have I driven him to being this stubborn? Being a man your perspective is valuable!! Thanx in advance again!!

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  58. Brad  February 12, 2012

    Rhia – did you drive him to be stubborn? Hmm…I don’t think you should be looking for a way to blame yourself for his actions. He’s an adult and for whatever reason, this is the choice he’s making right now. It seems that this was the choice he was making prior to you making an issue of it so I really don’t think your actions need much scrutinizing. To me, he sounds like a guy who can’t admit when he’s found a good thing and wants to keep his options open…but this sort of thing is only going to make his life (and yours) more difficult. I hope he comes around to appreciate what he has instead of worrying about what he might be missing out on!

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  59. Rhia  February 13, 2012

    Thanx for your kind words Brad!! Yes he needs to appreciate what he’s got instead of fretting about what he’s missing out on. But he has to realise that on his own. He actually emailed my fake profile on Friday & then on Sunday. I responded today & made a sexual proposition & he accepted. This after he had spent Friday with me & had told me he never shares his bed with anyone. Oh well let him play. The funniest thing’s that I asked him directly if he was seeing anyone or sleeping with anyone & he denied both. After a while I replied & said that my friend had told me she’s seeing him. He immediately guessed my name – so guess at this point he’s only seeing me. Small consolation. Then even though my fake profile kept telling him I wasn’t interested he kept asking telling me I (real me) was ok with this since he’d been ‘honest’ with me. Liar!! He then texted me & lashed out saying he had had a bad day & that he felt he was being ‘witch-hunted’ & that he had spent money contacting my ‘friend’ & felt he’d been sucked in. A cheater gets caught red handed & gets defensive maybe? He keeps saying he just gotten out of a relationship & do is not ready. After a relationship shouldn’t he spend time with himself instead of taking girls for a ride? I told him he shouldn’t be taking his frustrations out on me & that he can date my ‘friend’. I reminded him how his friend spied on me – he now says it wasn’t his friend but he himself. Gosh he changes stories fast. Anyway he’s told me he needs time to himself. I won’t respond. He’s all over the shop & I can’t handle this roller coaster. I am a relationship girl – cannot do this casual/fwb stuff!! Such a great gift for valentines day :( if he does try to sweet talk me in the future what should I do?

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  60. Brad  February 14, 2012

    Sorry this is how your Valentine’s day is going Rhia. I think it would be better to try to stay away from him at this point…he’s lied enough that it will be hard to tell if or when he starts telling the truth! I know that’s easier said than done but if you do end up dating him again just be very cautious…sounds to me like he would have cheated on you if he would have had the chance.

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  61. Rhia  February 15, 2012

    Don’t know if that will happen Brad. He texted me later & said the following: Are you ok? I know it may have come as a shock! You know I’m not a bad person and I did try to tell you I wasn’t thinking us in a relationship would work. You were a bit persistent while I guess I didn’t help matters! I hope we can remain friends but understand if you don’t! 

    I didn’t respond to this either. It’s been over 2 days since this text. He told my fake profile in his last email 2 days back that there was no spark between us & that’s why he kept it casual. I’ve stopped responding to these emails from the fake profile. I am so shocked!! This after he tells me he’s the luckiest man to have a great catch like me. Am so confused…I felt the connection…how can he now say there’s no spark.

    In his last email he said he was thankful to me for giving him the kick & the confidence to get back out there. So someone else will get to reap the benefits of my work :(

    I don’t think I’ll ever hear back from him. And if I do, I’ll have to tell him it’s a real relationship or nothing. I so like him that I cannot help but hope he realises what he’s letting go of. He told my fake profile to understand that he’s looking for a ‘soulmate’ – really? Cos he seems to think of me when he’s down & out!! As a man could you tell me if a man can go from friendship to serious relationship? Or maybe he’s doing this to get my fake profile girl. Why would a man want to keep me as his friend after he knows he’s messed up? For sex?

    Thanx in advance Brad!!

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  62. Brad  February 15, 2012

    Rhia – I can’t really speak to what’s going on in his head. Part of me thinks it just his response to getting caught but I’m really in no place to judge him. I know it hurts right now but I suspect it will be for the best in the long run and I’m glad it didn’t go on any longer than it did if he’s (finally) being honest with how he feels. I wish you the best of luck – whether he changes his mind or not!

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  63. Katherine  February 20, 2012

    Excellent post. Well said and very respectful. Thank you, very wise words.

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  64. Rhia  February 20, 2012

    You have been lovely Brad! Thanks a lot!! I contacted him after over 3 days & we started communicating but only as friends. He asked to meet so I suggested lunch on Saturday – since that’s a harmless, friendly thing! On last Friday he said in case I was out late to let him know. I didn’t commit. He wanted to meet my girls while we were having after work drinks but I told him it’s not a good idea since it’s our girly ritual & we don’t get guys in there. I was on my way home when he texted & told me where he was late on Friday. He said I could ‘crash’ at HIS place. Yes first time I get an invitation to his place. I told him am busy & he sent me a text that was obviously for someone else. It said ‘na mate rhia’s not coming. I think I f***ed it up a while ago!’. There was more to the text that told me his close friends were there at the pub with him. I asked him if the text was for me & told him to call me. When he rang he sounded very upset. I told him to come over. He did & told me his dad’s very ill – he seemed so upset. He wouldn’t make out with me that night – he said ‘I don’t want your friends to think I only come over for one thing’. He cuddled me beautifully the entire night – it was sweet. When I was stepping out for a smoke he told me ‘if things gets serious, I’d like you to quit’ & I told him I’d do it for him. He brought up my fake profile but I told him I did ‘t want to talk a put it cos I am still hurting. He also told me at night that he’s missing challenge in his life. In the morning things were as usual great – he asked for my advice about some property & financial matters & we talked about everything under the sun. He, not me, started talking of baby names with me. I brought up the online thing & he said he was emailing 2 girls – ‘nothing interesting’. We agreed that we’d tell each other as soon as we slept with anyone else for health reasons. However I told him I am relationship girl & not at ease with this casual arrangement. He said we are NOT dating but we couldn’t establish any status quo. He said ‘why do you girls need labels?’. He told me the thing’s he told my fake profile weren’t true – ‘I was obviously trying to pick her up – would I tell her I am seeing or sleeping with someone?’. Hmmm…ok.when he left he kissed me on my forehead & cheeks before the lips. Am so confused really about these mixed signals. On one hand I am his emotional outlet person but he won’t commit. It’s clear he’s online but not yet dating anyone. That text he sent to me by mistake screams that messing up with me bothers him. He’s discussing baby names with me. If I had met him at the pub, I would have met his friends & seen his place. But he still won’t commit!! What do you think?? Thanx in advance!!

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  65. panoxyl  February 25, 2012

    simple question: do the same mechanics apply vice versa (woman continues to browse the onlinedating site)?

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  66. Jessica  February 27, 2012

    Brad,

    This seems to be a reoccurring incidence, but if you could help me clarify my situation I would appreciate it. I have now been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We met on match.com and although I was dating numerous guys at the same time he just blew everyone else away and I ended up stopping seeing everyone else. We have continually seen each other from the beginning for at least 4 times a week. We talk/email/text all the time. Things have cooled lately since then, but I still care for him deeply and he clearly cares for me. He has always been honest with me about everything I have asked. He has plenty of female and male friends. He’s had issues with past dating that women say they are cool with him having female friends and then they flip out on him. So it’s a sore spot.

    He tells me all about them and is pretty open. Shows me pictures and explains how he met them. He even had me add a tracking device on my phone so I can see exactly where he is at all times. I did not ask for that. I also thought it was kind of weird but I felt that if he was okay with me seeing where he was and I had nothing to hide then there shouldn’t be a problem. I feel that it is his way of letting me know that he is not doing anything behind my back and is totally honest. We have yet to have a real exclusivity talk and have not talked about our dating profiles. I took mine down right away and I just figured he always had his up.

    So yes, he has had his up. I recently signed up under a fake profile and tried to wink and favor him. I know he checked his email and eventually he did look at the profile, but he did not take the bait and respond back.

    We have both been under a lot of pressure and stress this past year and I haven’t had the guts to bring it up. I’m still also unsure if I want to be in a serious exclusive relationship with him. I recently signed up on another website and have been looking at other prospects because I feel even though I care about him, I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket if he is unsure of me as well.

    Am I handling this situation properly? I’m just trying to have a clear perspective on this. I care about him so much and I yet I have my reservations about him. Does he seem like he wants something more with me? We spent our first Valentines together and he met my family. He’s met my friends. I have met some of his friends. He had asked me to meet his mom a few months ago, but we had to cancel and it has yet to happen. He has continually helped me out, he surprises me with gifts along the way. He’s opened up to me about lots of deep emotional things. Things have been going smooth and steady.

    I figure with all the things he has done it sounds like he is interested in me. I don’t know of anybody who would let someone follow their every move, so it must be heading towards something serious… What do you think?

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  67. Brad  February 29, 2012

    Hey Jessica – I think it would probably be best to ask him what he’s looking for in a relationship since that conversation hasn’t come up. Maybe once you know where he stands, it will make it easier for you to make a decision? He might already think of the two of you as exclusive (at which point you’d want to talk about taking any profiles down if you want to be exclusive as well).

    The good thing is, it doesn’t sound like you’re approaching this situation in a demanding sort of way. It sounds more like you just want to understand. If you use that approach with him, I would hope it would go pretty well.

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  68. Tanya  March 12, 2012

    I met this guy on Match.com, and we have been dating for 2 months. I have met his daughter and I spend the night over his house frequently as he have mine. He tells me all the time how he feels about me and he shows me as well. He has communicated that he doesn’t want me to hurt him and see us working towards having a future together. Yet, he still has his dating profile active and he still checks it almost every day. His actions are that we are a couple but somehow I am thinking he is trying to keep his options open. If I am texting somebody he is comfortable asking if I am texting other men and we have open communication. We do have a very active sex life but we didn’t until after the 6th date and our relationship took off from there. We have a 15 year age difference and I wonder if that is something that bothers him. 35-50 He is older. I don’t want to approach him or say anything to him about it because I want him to be the one to bring it up and close it on his own. I think its the man’s job to claim the girl and its harder for them to commit so I want it to be on his terms.
    I guess my queston is why does it seem like we are playing house with no real commitment? Is it to early to worry about this?

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  69. Brad  March 13, 2012

    Tanya – I think it’s reasonable to feel concerned. I also think it’s reasonable to bring it up! I think in many of the cases listed here, if the woman waited for the guy to make a commitment…well, it might never happen!

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  70. Jamie  March 13, 2012

    Hi Brad,

    I met a guy online about 2 months ago. We have been calling/texting each other about everyday since we met online. We actually met up about a month ago and got along great and have a lot of fun together. We have been itimate and he told me he hasn’t been with anyone since he broke off his engagement last summer. He seems like a great guy, and the compliments are flowing but something is off. He works the graveyard shift so it is sometimes hard to see eachother but we usually manage a couple times a week.

    Things are going along great, he talks about the future alot, I mean making plans and things like that but he still calls me his “friend”. Not sure what that is all about. But also texts me and tells me how much he misses me and how much he dreams about me, blah, blah, blah.

    So about a week or so ago I ask him what we are. I still had my profile up and so did he. He says he doesn’t want to rush things and does not just want to date anyone, he is dating to find someone to marry and wants to be sure. He says he really likes me and is into me and still getting to know me. He also said he has friends he talks to but no one that he is seeing or dating. That he is a one woman type of man. He then mentioned taking down his profiles. So the next day, I took down mine. I don’t want any distractions as I am getting to know him. The next day he says he went online and couldn’t find me. I told him I was getting a bunch of emails and just didn’t feel like dealing with them. He then says, oh, I thought it was because of me. I then said well, it is partly because of you, I am not interested in talking to anyone else while I am getting to know you.

    So he texts me the other day and says he it on POF just out of pure boredom and then tells me he misses me and wishes he could see me. Ok, WTH does that mean? Then I can still look online and see that he is on those sites almost everyday. So he is looking. I just don’t get it. He is sending me all these confusing messages and I am afraid to bring it up again since we already had the talk. He introduced me to some guy as his girlfriend but tells everyone else I am his friend. What is the deal with this guy? I don’t know what to do, put my profile back up, question him again or what. But I must say his profiles up still really bother me, especially since we have been intimate. I want to take it the relationship slow too but I also don’t want to be seeing a guy that is looking for the bigger better deal.

    (reply)
    • Brad  March 17, 2012

      Jamie – it sounds like the confusing areas in your relationship might go beyond just the dating profile. I think you should (once again) talk to him about making girlfriend/boyfriend official? If he’s introducing this way to some people but that way to other people, I think you have a right to know where you stand. You don’t have to be aggressive when you talk with him about this but I would be direct and ask him straight out where you stand and explain the confusion he’s creating for you.

  71. Jamie  March 13, 2012

    Oh, forgot to mention, I go over to his place a lot and everytime I leave, he begs me to stay and says he hates that I have to leave. We talked last night and he mentioned it again. He said he hates the fact I always have to leave and wishes I could stay at his place all the time. He gave me a key to his place also and told me to stop by whenever. I tried to give it back last week and he told me to keep it. So confusing!

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  72. Laura  March 13, 2012

    Hi Brad,
    Same boat here…been dating my guy for 11 months now – we are both 42….yes, he is still active on the sight and logs in. I do too….I am his first relationship since a divorce from a 16 year marriage from a woman who had cheated on him. Needless to say, he has trust & commitment issues and I am understanding and patient….but I am fearful…..he is such a great guy who I think IS worth it. I have met his family, he has met mine and I have come to love his 2 children ages 6 & 9.
    About 3 months in is when I saw he was still logging in……it upset me….I had a talk with him. He wanted to take things slowly and was not ready to commit to a relationship though he liked me A LOT and did not want to stop what we have. Told him I understood as he is just newly ‘out there’. I too began to go back on-line….talked with a few men but didn’t have the desire to take it further than friendly chat…….at 6 months into the relationship, I told him I needed a break – that seeing him searching for the next best thing (as I saw it) was hurting me. That we are at different places in regards to what we want at the moment, although we do want the same thing in the end, a loving, solid relationship.
    I went 3 weeks with no contact. Went on a few ‘One Date Wonders’…lol…He reached out to me….missing me. He had not dated anyone else, and I believe him. I told him I had. He asked if we could pick up where we left off….see what we can grow into. We had a wonderful 3 weeks….then the Monday after a long beautiful weekend, BAM, he is online. I reacted instantly – saying the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results (I was talking of myself) And of course a few other choice words…….He was pretty angry at my outburst……that Friday I wrote him, apologizing for acting instantly rather than sitting with my feelings and just blowing up on him. His response was basically that he accepted my apology. He just got out of a marriage filled with anger. How he hates the fact he makes me feel the way I do with all this. How he loves what we have but that he doesn’t think he can give me what Im looking for at the time. That h honestly doesn’t know if he can give, recieve or feel love again due to the divorce. That he is afraid. And that he stays online because he is afraid of closing all doors and just be with me, the first woman. And he went on to say he thinks we may be meant to be together but struggles with being unsure. I told him I appreciate his honesty and that if he still wanted to ‘date’ (not spend nights, yada yada) while we both date others, to keep our connection going, I was ok with that. This was all in November.
    From Nov to Jan, we went on a date once every 3 weeks, always having the time of our lives. I did go on dates with others as well…….nothing I wished to continue with.

    Fast forward to today……The last month and a half, we have been spending a lot more time together….family gatherings out of state, day outtings with his kids, hanging with his other friend couples (he has always introduced me as his girl), spending long weekends together…..and during all this, we are both still active on the dating sites….ugh!

    I feel as I am really, truly falling in love with him despite that. Last week, while just hugging and feeling so happy being there, my heart was racing with emotion that it actually startled
    me. I put his hand on my chest and said ‘OMG! What is this all about? See what you do to me?” He took my hand, placed it on his chest which was beating as fast as mine and said with a smile “It’s what happens when you’re falling in love” A few days later, he updated his headline on POF to “UNDECIDED” —- I dont even know what that means.
    I am just so scarred to bring my feelings or the site thing up…….I almost feel as if I am growing walls around my heart so I don’t come out……Don’t people build walls to not let anyone in??
    I would love some feedback……..he is a great guy……..but damn it’s complicated.
    HELP =(

    Love,
    Ms. Patient & Understanding Fool for Love

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  73. Rachel  March 15, 2012

    Hi Brad,

    I have been dating this guy I met on okcupid for a few months now. We were very intense the first month seeing each other all the time and every weekend. Both of us even changed our status to “seeing someone.” We also did the “in a relationship” status on facebook. After about 6 weeks he freaked out and said he wanted to feel more “single” and that he wasn’t sure we were right for each other. We continued to date and then on Valentine’s Day we broke up officially. At this time he posted that he was “single” on ok and so did I. A few weeks ago we got back together or at least started seeing each other again and were saying the L word and he said that he didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, so we were monogamous. Still he kept his profile up as “single” so I did too. He still makes updates to his site and says he is single and “looking for long term and short term dating.” Today, I emailed him and asked him if he is dating people from the site and that we should both take our sites down and focus on each other. I have no idea how he’ll respond and whether he wants to keep seeing other people, as he had stated his doubts about our relationship before when we broke up. Since our relationship has been a bit all over the place for these months, should I have even brought up the topic? If we are “monogamous” should we even have these sites up? I have tried to keep my “option open” by staying on the site – but it just makes me feel bad…

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  74. Brad  March 17, 2012

    Laura – would you feel comfortable telling him you want to take your profile down and ask him if he would do the same? If you do it without anger, I can’t see how he would object (although I think your anger was appropriate before).

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  75. Brad  March 17, 2012

    Rachel – If the two of you are using words like “love” and “monogamous”, I think it was totally acceptable for you to bring the topic up. Also, you might want to ask him why he wants to keep his profile up if you are using words like that. As I’ve said previously, if you can do this without anger or making him feel threatened, I think it will go better. Approach it from the stance that you want to understand where he’s coming from (but also that you think you should be taking the profiles down).

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    • Rachel  March 19, 2012

      I brought it up and he told me that he thinks there is someone else better out there for his “lifestyle.” So I told him I was going to start seeing other people…

  76. Sophia  March 22, 2012

    Hi Brad,

    All these answers are very helpful, thank you!
    but I still haven’t come across a problem like mine.

    I have absolutely no clue what to do and I hope you can help me.

    I met my boyfriend on POF 4 months ago. We had an amazing connection and he made me his girlfriend about the second time we hung out. Since then I have been the happiest girl on earth and I am SO in love I have never been. He seems to be just perfect, everything I was ever looking for.
    I deleted my profile about 2 weeks after we had started being boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn’t ask him if he was going to delete his, I assumed that of course he would. Then about two months after, I went on the site with my friends user info and searched for him. I found he was still on there, not just on there, but ONLINE NOW AND he had added a new picture with a shirt that I got for him for Christmas. That was very hurtful. I messaged him on my friends proflie and he answered very nicely that i was pretty and he was still looking for a relationship. I was devastated when I saw it. I stopped answering and next time I saw him I asked him if he was still on the site and he answered and said: “yes im still on there and actually last week someone messaged me on there, and I’m pretty sure it was you. Was it you?” So I admitted what I had done, he got mad that I didn’t trust him, and I got mad that he was still on there. We worked things out and he promised me he would delete it ASAP.

    So, we hit 3 months. We are at the point when we say I love you every day and we are often talking about marriage. He even introduced me as his fiancee once, and all his friends know about me. I was living in the belief that he had deleted his site and I didn’t even doubt him about it for a second, sine he had PROMISED me he would. We were casually talking about something and he slipped something about the site and I asked him: “wait, are u still on the site” He answered that yes he’s still on it but it’s “just there”. He’s been too busy to delete it and also his friend is using it to find women. He told me “let’s go inside and delete it right now, together” We tried but the site was having an error. I got really sad about he still having it up and went into my zone for the rest of the night. I shouldn’t have made such a big deal of it, but i was really hurt. He promised again he would delete it as soon as he can get back on and he promised I would never have to go through something like that again. Finally I asked him if he has talked to anyone on the site, and that’s when he got really angry that I don’t trust him. We just did our first vacation together, and he brought up that how can I not trust him after we just did all that, and we’re so close bla bla bla, we’ve come so far…. How am I supposed to trust him when he makes empty promises??

    Now it’s been 4 months and I wanted to see if he’s being true to his promises and I decided to check. There he still is. He has not only changed his profile picture, he has added a picture from OUR TRIP, a picture that I took of him. I feel disgusted!! He has also updated his description. The whole profile is completely updated. Obviously the profile is not “just there” and obviously its not there for his friend’s use because he is putting up pics of himself and updating his own info. Which btw still says “singe” and “actively seeking a relationship”
    When I saw it two days ago I felt sick to my stomach but I decided to not bring it up until my emotions have cooled a bit and I can think rationally.
    But ever since then I can’t think about anything else and I still feel sick to the very core, I just want to know why he would do this!

    I don’t have a clue what to do. I love him so much but it seems that he keeps making these promises that mean nothing. And how much can I really mean to him and can he really love me if he keeps doing what he knows hurts me So much.

    What do you think Brad? Please help!

    (reply)
    • Rachel  March 27, 2012

      Hi Sophia,

      I am not Brad (obviously) but if you read my post, which is right before yours, you can see I was almost in the same situation. Except the fact that my bf wanted to date me and see me, but still thought there was someone else out there “better” for him, so he kept the site up.

      Since then, he has been trying to sleep with my with no strings attached and even today he told me he misses me and wants me, but still sees people that he met on the site, but I am the only one he really likes… Sure…

      Sounds like he might just be a commitment-phob. Tell him if he’s going to continue posting that he is single and updating his site, that you are too and you are also going to start seeing other people. Then, do it.

  77. Brad  March 29, 2012

    Sophia – sorry for the slow response but I would agree with Rachel. If you can’t get a guy to commit to date you exclusively (and especially if he then lies about it), he may be a giant waste of time. I know you care for him and I know that it hurts, I’m just afraid that he’s establishing a pattern where he’s showing that he’s going to continue to hurt you throughout your relationship. Perhaps it’s a commitment problem, perhaps it’s a fidelity problem or maybe it’s something else…but regardless of what it is, it’s not a foundation you’d want to build a solid relationship on.

    I would say let him know how he’s made you feel and then keep your options open to date other guys because at this point it seems like he’s proven that you can’t believe what he says.

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  78. lyd  April 6, 2012

    Here’s my situation.

    I started talking to a girl for around 2 weeks, we met on a dating website and have been talking daily. Its long distance so we met for the first 2 weeks after talking and the date went perfectly, she even bought me dinner! She said all the right things and we spoke of only being interested in each other.
    Ive had trouble getting her on the phone as thats something shes uncomfortable with and shes unsure about being able to visit cause of money going towards a course.. which has been cancelled but not hear anything about a visit.
    I notice shes still going on this same dating website we met on ( I had taken mine off since we met) but this worries me so much that i asked if she still went onto the site and she said she did.. she says shes only open to a convo but nothing more than that. Also said she wasn’t one for dating sites ( no sense) and if a guy was to try and talk to her she would say she was dating someone. If i trust her the way i should then i need not to worry..

    But i dont feel easy with that… Its difficult… because teh date went brilliantly.. she says all the right things.. but at the same time i cant understand the need to have a conversation with guys on a dating site?

    As i kinda already mentioned about this… I dont know how to play it.. I dont want to be pushy and annoy by bringing it up again.. but i can’t relax with her until i know.

    any ideas?

    (reply)
  79. Brad  April 7, 2012

    Lyd – it sounds to me like she’s keeping her options open and I’d recommend you do the same. It seems to me that many people want to be open to long distance relationships but then when they get in one, they decided to keep their options open for something closer. I’ve seen this with some regularity talking to people over the years and while I can’t say for certain, that might be what’s going on here.

    I think I would try to be open with her. Explain how much you enjoyed spending time with her but given how infrequently you are seeing each other and given the fact that she’s still looking online, you feel like you should keep your options open. I would be as kind as possible if you decide to have this talk with her: you’re not trying to punish/reprimand her, just letting her know where you stand.

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  80. Alice  April 23, 2012

    I met my boyfriend of 1 year on okcupid. Things were going extremely well and I have never been happier. Then, one day, out of the blue I decided to see if he was still using the dating site and he was online and chatting with girls. I confronted him about it, we broke up, and then he came crawling back to me 2 weeks later and deleted his okcupid profile.

    Well it’s been a wonderful week and I decide to see if he’s up to anything else and low and behold I find him a jdate, jwed, passion, hotmatch, and zoosk. ACTIVELY LOOKING for marriage and sex. I texted him and said that I think if he wants to take this relationship seriously as he says (kids, marriage, moving in together, etc) then it’s probably a good idea to delete the profiles. I told him I wasn’t upset but that it weirded me out and I need a partner I can trust.

    His response: ‘Sounds like a personal issue’! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!

    I never texted him back last night. Then today he calls me like nothing’s wrong and when he could tell I was uneasy talking to him he made a big fuss and said ‘well I can tell you’re in a bad mood so bye.’

    WOW! It’s going to be hard to trust a guy after this.

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  81. Rachel  April 25, 2012

    Hi Alice,

    That’s sounds awful. He sounds really immature. I have dated my share of immature guys and he sound like one in my book. Maybe you should join all those dating sites just to piss him off! I know it sounds petty but he is being petty by saying stuff like that to you and even being on those sites. That or I would just cut him off… The guy I used to see from okc has a new gf supposedly but he is STILL on there. People never change. Once a player always a player.

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  82. Nicky  April 27, 2012

    Hi similar story met a guy online 2 months ago we meet once a week on the
    Weekend. We are both full time parents and work full time. He also
    Has 4 units so busy but he bought it to my attention that he saw me online previous day
    And asked me about it in person I said I was checking his profile. About his interests etc to round up some questions
    I said u were on there he replied with yea but he has 2 mutual friends
    On there he talks to not on there for dating . as we are very up front bout most things in general
    Get along really well communicate during the week and he comes over even when he is exhausted just to see me wants to meet kids and his kids we have had 6 dates and wants to go out from the beginning not to b too serious go slow and asked me two weeks ago to settle down didn’t really Answer him but told him I like him. Should I be concerned??

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  83. Kapri  May 3, 2012

    It saddens me to read all these stories becuase I am on the same exact boat as most of you. Met an amazing guy about 2 months ago and we decided to only see each other. Curiousity always killed the cat and I checked to see if he was still active a couple weeks ago and he was.. I brought up the subject and he insisted it was nothing that he had an app on his phone and would click on it when bored but that he would remove the app. A week goes by and it still says active within 24hours. I once again bring it up because I’m hurt and he proceeds to say he honestly thought it was nothing and had deleted the app and proceeded to even cancel his subscription in front of me. Confirmation number and all. I thought everything was great his parents know all about me I’ve met his friends and some family. Then today I searched again and it said active in 3 days. I was crushed. I didn’t realize that by cancelling an account it just meant that your subscription wouldn’t renew, not that your profile wasn’t still active. So looks like he pulled one over on me and is still online. Whether he’s just checking until it expires or he renewed after he showed me the cancellation it still means he clearly isn’t that into me. I feel all of your pain

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  84. Karlene  May 13, 2012

    Several months ago I met a man online. To make a long story short, he and I are perfect together in every way but, there won’t be a fairy tale ending where we live happily ever after, not after tonight.

    I expected both our profiles would remain active until we were certain we were right for each other and moved forward in the relationship. Seemed we were perfect together with him professing his love and talking of marriage. I expressed the same feelings and we planned to move in together two weeks from now. Strange thing is, while I deleted my profile from the site on which we’d met, he hadn’t and I assumed he’d just cease using it or hide his profile and not renew his subscription but, turns out he has a match membership discovered by my suspicious sister whose brought it to my attention. She says he’s on it regularly and this evening while he’s texting me on the phone, she calls and says, “he’s online at match right now”. A few minutes later, his short worded texts suddenly stopped. Can someone, please explain to me what is going on because I see it as one thing and one thing only, I am being deceived in a very cruel way as he is clearly preoccupied with pursuing other women on dating sites. And just to make it clear, my sister isn’t creating suspicion with me, I’d noticed how all along, he’d be texting me and suddenly stop with no goodnight, see ya, nothing, just stopped in mid conversation.

    The notion that men are afraid to commit while women are not isn’t true. Many men are seeking wives, not playmates and they’re up front about it because they sincerely don’t want to waste time with women who aren’t interested in long term commitments. I agree men need women to tell them how and what they feel since men aren’t mind readers but then, neither are women. If a woman continued intereacting with men she was meeting online, the man she’d been planning a future with wouldn’t dismiss it as innocent.

    At this point I don’t want to even mention to him that I’m aware he’s quite active, especially on match which my sister says allows for various forms of communication with people unlike the site I’d met him on, where his original profile remains active.

    Oh, and yes, I am angry, justifiably, moving preparations are expensive and time consuming. Guess I’ll be renewing my membership in the site where I’d met him since I did talk to a couple decent men there despite having had little in common with them but, who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky. Wonder what he’ll think when he sees his fiance’s new profile there.

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  85. Nicole  May 22, 2012

    Hey,
    I need a bit of advice as I’m recently dealing with this. I started talking to a guy in Dec and we hit it off. We chatted for a few weeks before finally meeting. The first date led to another and another, etc. He seemed genuine at first. After 6 weeks of talking non stop via text, a few phones calls a week, and seeing each other no less than once a week I brought up the “where is this going” talk….even though he already told me he wasn’t interested in dating other people, and we had both disabled our profiles a week or two before. He told me that he would like us to be in a relationship, but because we were approaching his busiest time of the year at work, that he would like to wait until things calmed down a bit…he said 2 of his serious relationships ended over it in the past.

    I said ok, that I would hang in there, but I asked him to please be straight up with me the second he doesn’t feel like this will go anywhere and he promised he would. For the past 2, months we continued to text just as much, we talked on the phone a lot less due to our now conflicting schedules, and we saw each other once every 2 weeks give or take a few days. Then this past month the texting died down A LOT. There was one night about 3 weeks ago now where I did flip out on him (somewhat) about not responding to my texts at all (heard nothing from him, two different days.). The next day I apologized, but heard nothing. Then a few days later he once again “ignored” a text. I txtd him the next afternoon when he said he was done work, and asked him if he could meet me somewhere because I needed to talk to him, I was having a bad day (it actually wasn’t about him, rather than my pseudo grandfather had fallen ill, and I just needed a shoulder to cry on). He told me he would try to meet me somewhere if he could get some stuff done for work and some family things, he told me to txt him in an hour or so and see where he was at with being finished. I did that, but no response…he claims he fell asleep.

    Then a day or so later I really kind of had a moment where I texted him asking him if things were ok between us because he was being distant. He said he was just busy. I asked him if things were still good because I really wanted things to work out between us. He agreed that he did too, and things were good.

    I expected to hear from him more, but I heard less from him. We went a few days without talking over the last 2 weeks. We actually probably only talked 3 days? and barely said much at all…this past week I got a bad feeling so checked the dating site where we met, and his profile (which wasn’t there a week before) was back up. I confronted him about it and told him how much it confused me and hurt me, since I thought we were still good, and that he wanted things to work out. He claims a friend must have hacked his account as a joke and that he still wants stuff to work. then a day later I saw him driving around, I called him not to initially bring anything up, but when he didn’t answer we got into it and he said that he does want stuff to work but I can’t be so paranoid. He told me he was going away for 2 days for work (this is true), so I took that as a hint not to text because he was busy. the 2nd day away, he sent me a pic of himself in a towel. I did my usual hey there sexy, he said lol…i asked him how his work thing was going, no response. Last night i didn’t hear from him at all. My friend asked if I check to see if he had gotten on his profile, so I did, and that Sunday night he had been on. I also took more time to look at his profile than I originally did the last time, and I noticed that at some point he uploaded a recent picture that he actually just posted to facebook back in april. This morning I decided to reciprocate the photo txt, and I sent him one (nothing I would be ashamed of though if someone else saw), and I sent a message along with it that said good morning ;) It’s been a good 20 minutes since I’ve sent it, and in another 15 I know he’ll be at work and therefore wont text me. I also have a feeling that he won’t text me tonight.

    For those of you that ask why about how I found his profile, my friend created a blank account to check her dishonest husband a few years ago, and I logged on (with her permission)…my profile has been down for a long time.

    I just don’t know what to do. I don’t get why he texts me those things saying what he says and then not give me the time of day. I am trying my hardest not to bring this up again, but the recent picture really has me thrown for a loop.

    Opinions??? thanks

    (reply)
  86. cathy  May 31, 2012

    so i recently started seeing this guy and we met through an online site a long time ago but we just started talking through facebook. he starting to show signs that he is interested in me and i am meeting his friends already and its been 2 weeks of dating. im not sure what site i met him on or if he is even on a dating site now. do i even bring this up??? should i wait a little bit until we get more serious?

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  87. Brad  May 31, 2012

    I’m not sure I follow Cathy – did you meet him a long time ago on a dating site but now he’s forgotten? It’s not clear to me what you’re trying to figure out…

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  88. ali  June 16, 2012

    i met my current boyfriend online a couple months ago, he kept mentioning thing about me being his girlfriend so 2 weeks ago i asked if we were together and he said yes. He has met my family and gets along great with them, I have met his mom and some of his friends. We had been hanging out two weeks straight. He is in the army and when we first met he only had a couple days before he went to do a month worth of training. After the month of him being gone, he got a hotel room and i stayed with him for a few days, hanging out non stop except when i have to go to work. I only work 5-6 hour days, and then i was back to staying at my place but we were still constantly seeing each other. We went on a road trip together, he paid for everything, went to the beach got a really nice room.
    But, we went camping last week and i noticed he was texting another girl while i was curled up next to him but i didnt say anything, i didnt really see what they were talking about it but it made me kinda concerned. He pointed out to me the other day that he has a hard time showing affection and was asking why i stayed with him.
    The past 3 days have been really wierd, we were suposed to go see a movie together after i was off work and i hadnt heard from him since noon, had texted him quite a few times with no response. I called him 3 times when i was off work and then it started going straight to voicemail… not sure if he turned the phone off or what…
    The 2nd day i texted him at 830 am and asked him what was going on. He said he could ask me the same thing and that i had blown up his phone all day until it died. I asked him about going to the movie again and never heard anything back.
    It is now day 3 i havent heard from him at all today. I know he got my messages yesterday i messaged him on facebook and it tells you exactly when he read it which was this morning around 8. He only checks his facebook from his phone.
    So i deactivated my Pof online dating acount 2 weeks ago as soon as we discussed that we were dating. I have checked a few times by searching users on pof and each time i see his profile it says he has been on that day. I texted him that i missed him, i havent mentioned anything to him about deleting his profile, i told him i deleted mine and he said he cant delete his from his phone. But he still checks it daily so im kinda confused.
    he told me the first day i hadnt talked to him that he forgot his phone at his friends, and id like to believe him but now 2 more days of him not talking to me much i dont know what to think… my friends tell me to give him space so im gonna work on not trying to contact him as much today.
    I completely deleted my profile dont know if i should make a new one or what
    it doesnt seem like he is committing to the relationship or caring about my feeling the past few days. he know it bothered me the first day he “forgot his phone” so why would he keep doing it unless he was purposefully ignoring me possibly??? please help

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  89. Brad  June 17, 2012

    Hey Ali – doesn’t sound like good news to me unfortunately. First, the idea that you calling his phone or texting him would drain his phone battery is a lie, although I imagine he’s going to use that event if pressed on why he’s not talking to you. Second, the idea that he can’t delete his profile because he only logs on from his phone is silly…it take 30 seconds on a computer to remove it. He can get you a hotel room and take you on a road trip but logging into a website and removing his profile is beyond his time and resources? It’s a pretty sad excuse.

    He doesn’t sound like a great catch to me to be honest and I imagine there’s more going on than he wants you to know. I’d be careful: if he’s now dating another girl and things don’t work out with her, he’s likely to try and come back and make you feel like everything was fine and you were overreacting. You aren’t overreacting. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treated me the way he’s treated you and because of that, I do think you should start looking to date someone else.

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  90. jessica reeves  June 22, 2012

    Hi Brad,
    I met my boyfreind on the site in April 2012, we spoke over txt for like 3 weeks and met up. To be honest the site was for marriage purpose, i have been in there for some time and gave up hope. I didn’t evern take him seriously on the date (even though i thought he was hot), i was joking too much to get rid of him but he seemed to like me alot and wanted to see me more.
    I admit the date was perfect but i had bit of committment issue to because i got hurt in the past and due to this i dumped him on the third date but we quickly patched things up.
    The thing is in the begining he was referring to our future hopefully it would lead toi marriage and refferred me as his wife, love etc. One month down the line he stopped refferring to out future, except he will only speak to me current situation and only refers me as gf.
    Now he stopped referring me as that, he says i am not bound to him nor is he and wants continue to see where this goes. His profile in singlemuslim was taken off within two days of communicating with me. He treats me well and does care but lately he acted strange so i snooped into his phone and he is talking to other girls and he has a profile in plentyoffish.com, it hurts so i told him why did he break my trust. After this he blamed me and started going on about neither of are bound, when before he never said this to me. What do i do? Is it wrong for me to say exclusive? It seems he wants to continue with me and makes time to see me. He even said just because i chat to them doesnt mean i am with them.
    Should i take things slow? Its been like 2months together and he is really great guy if i have to be honest and i do have my moments too in annoying him too.

    (reply)
    • Brad  June 23, 2012

      Jessica – it sounds to me like you were exclusive at some point (at least in his mind) and then later, without you knowing exactly why, you stopped being exclusive (again, at least in his mind).

      Honestly, if he’s going to say things like “you are not bound to him”, that makes me a bit nervous for you. This whole situation sounds to me like him trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep talking to other women, which could eventually end your relationship, but in the mean time he wasn’t to continue with you.

      If he really thinks the two of you aren’t “bound”, then I think you should let him know that because of that, you’re going to begin to talk with other men. Once he wants to commit, you’re willing to commit as well. Now whether you really talk with other guys is up to you…but honestly, I think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to actually do so. I’ve talked to a lot of women where this type of situation can drag on for months only to see the man start dating another woman. If he’s not going to commit, this is a risk for you and I’d see talking to other men as a valid approach since you can’t know what he’s going to do down the line.

  91. Jackie  June 26, 2012

    Hi Brad,
    I know this is almost what everyone else is saying but I would like your advice. I met a man online a month ago. Actually, he kind of chased me online for a week before I gave in and talked to him. We hit it off and are still seeing each other. After a couple of weeks I told him that I had deactivated my profile and he told me that he had cancelled his subscription. He has asked me to be his girlfriend. To me that is being exclusive. Anyway, he tells me that he doesn’t have the desire to talk to or see anyone else. So, if this is the case, why would his profile still be up? AND I know that he logs in periodically. I know, because I have a friend that is on the same dating site and she keeps me updated, unfortunately

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  92. Brad  June 27, 2012

    Hey Jackie – as with the other situations, I can’t say exactly why he would keep his profile up. It definitely sounds like you’re exclusive so I would expect him to take it down. I guess you could mention to him that your friend told you that she saw his account was still up and you could let him know that you’d feel much better if he hid it. Again, you can phrase it in a non-accusing way. I’d hope that he’d respond positively and remove it.

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  93. Bella  July 19, 2012

    I read this advice and following comments with great interest.

    I consider myself a strong independent woman.

    About six weeks ago I met a guy from an online dating site. I decided the other day to go on and delete my profile since we’ve declared each other ‘mine’. I don’t know why. It I looked to see if his profile was still active and it said ‘online today’.

    At that moment I realised I really do have feelings for this guy. I’ve met his family and friends, he takes me out everywhere and even wants to book time off with me. He is affectionate and kind, all the traits I was looking for.

    So yesterday morning I checked again and it said ‘online now’ to say I felt sick was an understatement but I didn’t want to go wading in and accuse him when I didn’t know the story.

    So when I saw him last night I casually (on the outside) mentioned when deleting my profile that I’d seen he was still going online. His response threw me completely: ‘so?’ I had so many answers to that question like if he liked me as much as he said would he still be looking at other girls, or how do I know he’s not talking to others? Or how would he like it if the situation was reversed?

    Instead I just asked if I had anything to be worried about and he said no.

    Even if he’s just looking for his ego stroking, he shouldn’t need it right now should he?

    I’ve checked and he’s not been online since I mentioned it so hopefully it’s made him think.

    I’m gonna see how it goes over the next month, if he’s still going on then he doesn’t care about my feelings and I’d prefer to be someone’s one and only, not their until something better comes along!

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  94. Kayla  August 7, 2012

    I accidentally discovered that my bf had recently logged into his online dating profile. He admitted it when I confronted him. We are 4 months into the relationship and he still says he’s scared of commitment. I told him if he’s not that into me, then he’s more than welcome to leave. He says he is, yet I’m not so sure at this point. I just assume that if someone really likes you, then they would delete their online profile right away and they wouldn’t be so afraid of commitment.

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  95. Desi  August 16, 2012

    Hey Brad, I have been reading all of these threads and although many of these women/girls seem more serious into their relationship, I have a similar-like question. I have been dating this guy for about 2 months now. We see each definitely once a week and sometimes more than that. We do not talk every day, but it has been like that since the beginning. Now the difference is that I did not meet him on a website- but I met him at a Match.com mixer that I was invited to as a +1. I know that he is on Match and is active (not through his own admission, a friend did some detective work this weekend when I brought him to her party). I do not take issue with the fact that he is active and most likely going on dates once in a while with other girls. We have taken things very very slow–almost to the point where I don’t feel like he is attracted to me, but why would he keep wanting to see me with no “benefits” for himself…dont get me wrong, we have shared some nice kisses and are cuddly once in a while…but its not what I am used to by any means. It has been very innocent, and in a way, I am glad. We get along GREAT, have lots of laughs, have a lot of fun, hes met my friends, I have met some of his friends and I am typically the first person he makes plans with when he comes in town. Because of the slowness, I feel like feelings have not developed too strongly between us but they may have potential to do so some day. My question, Brad, to you, is that I feel a man who consistently sees a woman for this amt of time (2 months) should know if he wants to pursue something a little more serious or not…..right? At the same time, I think I have a tendency to rush things or date people with whom i have CRAZY chemistry with; thus naturally rushing things physically and in turn, emotionally. Do you think I should just give it time and see how it goes, or let him know that I am interested, I like him, I like how things are going….but I want to know if he sees something evolving from this at some point, or are we just buying time until the next best thing comes along. Just like many of the women above, I do not enjoy spreading myself thin and I do not believe someone can really figure out how they feel about someone if they are always looking around. Brad, what do you think about this story……am I just acting like my usual self and rushing to know everything so soon?

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    • Brad  August 18, 2012

      Desi – it seems like you feel there are two options: deal with things the way they are or push them forward. I think there might be a third option which would be to do a little of both. Begin to open up more about how you feel but with no expectations or demands (at least not in the beginning).

      Also, I don’t think after two months anyone would accuse you of “rushing”. I do think that’s enough time for him to know where he stands. Where he stands may not be where you hope, but he should still know where that is!

      I’d vote for opening up more and letting him know how you feel…but not necessarily in one big conversation. Start small and work your way up if you’re truly afraid you’ll come on too strong.

  96. Tammy  September 4, 2012

    Wow i thought I was the only person going this. I met this guy on match.com and we immediately hit it off. I really like him and I could see myself with him for long term. Recently I logged onto match because I have trust issues anyway and low and behold he was online now. I had relations with this guy and I take this kinda thing seriously. I wanna tell him that I am going to fall back without expalining what I found. I am just not sure on what to do because overall he is a nice guy. I dont play when it comes to my body. I dont know if he is meeting women off online or not.

    Any suggestions

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  97. Dezi  October 2, 2012

    Hey Brad,

    So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 4.5 weeks now and we met on Match.com. Things are going pretty well. We hang out multiple times a week (including weekends). I’ve met his friends, he’s met mine, etc. He always texts me in the morning and throughout the day to see how I am, emails me funny articles or tweets things he finds that he knows I would find amusing, and he always goes out of his way to hang out with me and/or make plans (picnic, bike ride, cooking dinner together, etc). As weird as it sounds, I know he’s likely not dating anyone else because he seems to want to spend his free time with me or with his buddies (and I know he isn’t lying when he says he’s at his house watching the game or at the park tossing the ball around).

    He seems really into me, seems genuinely happy to hang out with me and to really want to hang out but we haven’t had the exclusivity talk and I am honestly not going to go down that road and fish for information for another 2-4 weeks.

    I guess I’m concerned because it seems like he logs onto Match when we’re both at work. I know this because I do, too. Though now, mostly I do it to see if he’s on. Since I see he’s on, I browse my matches but very rarely wink at anyone and don’t message people back (In all honesty, I kind of got sick of online dating and had just tried it because it seemed novel until that feeling wore off). I guess I’m writing because it seems like we have a good connection and that he likes me (he even told me so) but he hasn’t made a move to discuss exclusivity and he doesn’t seem like he’s interested in giving up his profile. And now my feelings are starting to get hurt (typical girl).

    I wanted to write you BEFORE I did anything to freak him out the way females usually do. Should I be worried or should I just take it easy, breathe, and see how the next 2-4 weeks go? And how on earth do you even start that kind of convo without sending guy running for the hills?

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    • Brad  October 6, 2012

      Hey Dezi – I would say giving it a bit more time wouldn’t hurt (only because it would be nice for him to bring the idea up). I think for now, you might want to hide your profile in the off chance that he’s keeping his profile up because he still sees yours is up. If after a week his is still up, you could try dropping hints: maybe mention that you took your profile down or talk about how you enjoy spending time with him. I think if you start to have those conversations it might lead more naturally into an “exclusive” conversation.

      If all that doesn’t work, I’d say at some point you should just say: “So-and-so, I really enjoy spending my time with you but I worry we might be looking at our relationship differently. Could you tell me where you see our relationship going?” Doesn’t have to be confrontational, just you getting clarification on where he’s at.

  98. Jennifer  March 19, 2013

    I have been on 5 dates with a guy who I met online, I really like him & feel like we have a good connection, but he has not yet mentioned exclusivity & deleting our profiles. I have only been dating him 3 weeks, but I don’t want to be with a guy who just wants to string me along so I will wait maximum 6 weeks for him to mention something. I don’t like to come across as the vulnerable one & dating commitment phobes in the past has made me tougher so I don’t want to bring up a conversation of where are things going or mention his profile still being up. Instead I think if there is no mention from him after 6 week I would find it easier to just ignore him & move on to dating over guys. Do you think that would be the wrong way to go about things? I just think I could get hurt if I asked him where things are going more so than if I just moved on, perhaps if I contacted him less he might get the message…

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    • Brad  March 23, 2013

      Jennifer – if I understand correctly, you’re saying that if he doesn’t decide to take his profile down in 6 weeks then you’ll not talk with him about it and just end things?

      As a married man let me tell you even after years and years with a woman I love, I still rarely know what’s going on in her head. And my rule for Kate is “just let me know what you’re thinking”. When she let’s me know, I can normally respond in a way that makes her happier!

      Likewise, this guy may not even be thinking about his profile and might be totally confused if you disappeared. If you want to take a stand and draw the line at 6 weeks, I’m okay with that. But if there’s an ultimatum, I think it’s only fair that he know about it! So as that sixth week approaches, I think it would be best if you let him know that you’re bothered by his profile still being up and see how he responds.

  99. anon  April 1, 2013

    Hi Brad,

    I need some much needed advice. I met the man I have been dating since early October on match.com. It turned out we had met 10 years before and had been attracted to one another but then I moved to another county. Anyway we have been on 7 dates and he came to my house last time. Things seem to be going well but he is still on match.com and doesn’t text me alot inbetween seeing each other as he is ‘busy’ with work. I dont want to put pressure on him but I honestly don’t know what he feels for me. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend which I don’t mind but the thought of him possibly dating other women does upset me. As I have been hurt by men in the past and he said he would never do that to me. He does have bad trust issues being of his ex wife and I totally understand it. He just seems to be in his own world of work, going to the gym and doing his hobbies and I am not being included. I would have thought that after 6 months I would feel settled on my feelings but I am honestly just confused. I have never been in love before and at 34 tomorrow that saddens me as I have so much love to give to someone.

    (reply)
    • Brad  April 6, 2013

      I think you should work on figuring out where you stand with this guy and making sure you happy with where that is. You’ve been dating a long time and for you to still be confused is a bad sign. I think the match.com profile still being active is just a symptom of the greater problem of not knowing where you stand. As painful as it might be, better to know exactly where you stand and then respond to that instead of wondering for another six months.

      So I’d say make a point to sit down with him and ask him where he sees the relationship going. If he can’t give you a straight answer, tell him where you’d like the relationship to go and ask him what he thinks of that.

  100. anon  April 7, 2013

    Hi Brad,

    Thank you so much for replying to me. You make so much sense. I do need to sit down with him face to face and ask him but I just never seem to have the confidence to do so as I worry I am being too demanding. I did ask him two months ago to tell me if he wasn’t interested in me he just had to tell me. He came back all defensive asking me why I would say such a thing and of course he is. He then when he was at mine told me he wanted to keep me satisfied so I didn’t go elsewhere! Seems he wants me on his terms but doesn’t want anyone else having me. It does make it harder him living in London and myself in Suffolk as we don’t have what I would call a normal dating relationship which does make it harder.

    He is now going away on his own for the next week or so but when he is back I shall ask to see him. I have already backed right off and only texted him yesterday after not hearing from him since my birthday which was 4 days before. I have been told by a close friend (who is male) that I need to be chased and show him that I am not at his beck and call.. I hate all these games however. I wonder why dating is so hard for myself but seems so easy for others. I generally do believe he does like me but he is just either not wanting to be hurt again so taking these easy or he is seeing other women.

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  101. sad girly :-(  April 9, 2013

    Hi, I have been dating this guy for a year. He has had it rough…a lot of ups and downs with his ex who has refused to let him see his babygirl. I recently found that he had set up a profile on Plenty of Fish. I confronted him with it, he did not just blow me off….he said he was hurt that he’d hurt me and that he never had any intention of actually meeting anyone. He was bored, and it made him feel good about himself. I asked if there was anything missing from our relationship as that would be the only reason why I would go on a site..he said no, just that he is struggling at the moment. I don’t want to be walked over, and I don’t want to turn into one of those girls who checks up on him….I just want a simple life. He deleted the profile straight away. He said that when he’s feeling down he can’t go to the doctors, as it will go on his medical records that he is depressed, which will affect the court case currently happening with his daughter. I really don’t know what to do. I love him with all my heart….but at the same time I don’t want to be a mug. :-(

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    • Brad  April 12, 2013

      I’m definitely not defending what he did (I disagree with it and think it was wrong of him to do so) but you did get a much better response than many women: he removed the profile quickly and I think he was a lot more honest than most guys in admitting that creating it made him feel better. Plenty of guys will lie and lie and lie when caught. So, again, not defending him but I prefer his response over a lot of other responses I’ve seen.

      I’d suggest talking with him and encouraging him to let you know when he’s feeling down or tempted to create a profile…but you need to be open and understanding if he’s going to be that honest with you (so no attacking if he admits he’s feeling that way). I’m just hoping if he knew he could talk to you when he’s tempted to do something silly like this, then maybe he wouldn’t need to go through with it. But maybe not…just an idea.

  102. LSE  April 29, 2013

    Hi Brad,

    There are some very interesting posts here and you give great advise.

    Here’s a situation I’d appreciate your perspective:

    Have been doing the match thing for a few months. Frankly, don’t care for it for a multitude of reasons but it has been a good vehicle in which I have met some terrific people. About a month ago exchanged really great emails, texts, calls. Over the past few weeks we’ve been out a couple of times which has been nothing short of fantastic! We have a great time laughing, joking, talking and we both have told each how much fun we are having and how excited we are to see each ofher again. We our going out again which we’re both excited about. I’ve planned to take her to do painting of an ocean area with an artist and then a picnic. Honestly, I can’t wait to see her again.

    All said, she has let me know her prior BF cheated on her the whole time they were together. She clearly let me know how much that hurt her. Thus, on occasion I sense her guard is up a bit. I get it and I will be patient and understanding. There’s no doubt in my mind she is someone I want to date, be part of my life and take it from there and see where im this goes from there.

    I’m concerned telling her this may rattle her a bit givien her prior experience and scare her off..I’m fully prepared to get off match. That said, she is regularly active on match and I’m a bit concerned putting myself out there with her she may not be ready more given the whole cheating matter she had to deal with. On the other hand I don’t want to continue to put a lot of time and effort into this relationship if she’s looking for something else as I don’t want to be the fallback guy either…

    Your thoughts?

    (reply)
    • Brad  May 4, 2013

      LSE – I would generally expect that a man telling a woman that he would like to date her exclusively would be received positively. Even if a woman had been cheated on, the message would still be “I’d like to commit to dating you”. I suppose if she’s just dating you casually, it may be less stressful to think that you might be cheating on her. However, it sounds like you’re going to want to move the relationship to a bit more commitment sooner rather than later.

      I’d bring it up. Again, not with any type of ultimatum, but I’d let her know that you’d be interested in concentrating on dating each other exclusively. If she says she’s not comfortable with that because of her past experience, I’d try to be understanding. However, if you go another month without any change, I think you might want to keep your options a bit more open as well (and be sure to let her know this in a gentle way as she’s going to be sensitive to feeling like she’s being lied to). I can totally understand having caution after being cheated on, but at the same time you don’t want to wait months and months only to find out this might not go anywhere.

  103. Megan  June 19, 2013

    Hello Brad,
    I just want to take the time to say thank you very much for your insight and guidance. The fact that you’re taking the time to answer each person is truly amazing. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I was hoping you could help me as well…

    Well, I met a guy on match we were emailing back and forth for a week and then we exchanged numbers. We have gone out 3 times already. The 2nd time I had a little too many and it got a little too late and we ended up going back to his place and well you can guess what happened. Before all this I knew we have a whole lot in common and there was a lot of chemistry and sexual tension plus I really like him. After we had sex I asked him about a lot of things. How many girls he’d been with sexually and not: Not many, and if he was dating anyone else: No, and if he was what I like to call a serial dater, dating many at once. I know that when you are dating you should do this but I just can’t and he said he was the same. Well after we had sex and all he is still interested cause we went out again and I told him I had my period and he didn’t care. So I know he is not in it for the sex. We talk every night and text periodically. Last weekend we were supposed to go out but I got tied up and I told him and he was pretty bummed. And then he texted me out of the blue and said he was drinking not too far from where I live and was wondering if we could meet up to which I said NO WAY cause I had plans and he was bummed about my answer. We’re supposed to go out again this weekend. We were going to hang out all day but he told me yesterday that it’s his friend’s birthday on Saturday, I mean how do u forget that?? I felt suspicious but right away he said he wanted to do Friday or Sunday. I told him NO WAY cause I have a life to which he said how about Saturday day time? I played stupid and said I had thought that was the plan from the start. But he said we were going to hang out ALL day but now we cant. Then I said how about we just put this off till next week but he seemed eager to see me cause he said no let’s meet on Saturday. I think these are all good things and he did give me a heads up well in advance and still wants to meet. The thing is he goes on his match account every day. On Monday he was supposed to call me but he went to the gym late which he normally does and said he would let me know if he wasn’t too tired for a call. He then texted me and said he too tired was but I saw he was on his match account. So he wasn’t tired for that!!!?? I know I’m reading into it but I’ve been in abusive and bad relationships and I just don’t want to be used and hurt again. I mean he seems like a decent guy and all but I guess I’m just worried. I’m no saint though I go on match too but I’m different and it bothers me he uses it that much. I feel like I’m just there and he is still looking for something better and it makes me feel bad. My problem is when I date I can only focus on 1 guy and 1 guy only. I don’t write the others off by NO means but just usually really like just 1. Which I guess I shouldn’t do? Am I reading into all this too much? I wish my brain would just stop!! Ugh!! Am I done for? What should I do? Is he worth my time? Am I a fool? Please help!

    P.s. I was told once, when a dude knows he’s got you, you are screwed cause he will not invest then. How can I prevent that? As I usually contact him 1st but he responds like right away, like he is sitting on his phone almost. I really need some guidance :)

    (reply)
    • Brad  June 25, 2013

      Megan – I don’t think you’re reading too much into things. It’s reasonable to be concerned. If you’ve read a lot of my advice you’ll know that I do see dating one person at a time as problematic. Not that you can’t find success, but often this approach mentally “locks” us into continuing to pursue a relationship even when it isn’t that great (and there are lots of other reasons to date multiple people in my mind, but I’ll not go over all that again here).

      Your comment, “I wish my brain would just stop” reminds me of advice my dad gave me when I was growing up: often the best way to get over someone is to find a new someone. So what if as an experiment you tried communicating with a few more guys at the same time. If you feel horrible as you’re doing it, then just stop. But I think you’ll find it very empowering and I suspect you’ll be far less likely to put up with crap. And I hope it goes without saying that when you enter a relationship where you both are only interested in each other, at that point the multiple dating would stop!

      As for when a guy knows that he has you, you’re screwed…I think that can work both ways. Are there guys that such a statement is true for? Sure. Is it something I’d want to make as a general statement for men (or women) in general? Not at all.

  104. almostsingle  September 5, 2013

    Brad I have a question, I have been dating a guy that I was introduced to by my sister. When we first met he was so into me calling me all day and making his way to see me whenever he had free time. I let him pursue me and after two and a half months of being with and seeing eachother every single day and night we decided to be together in a relationship. Hes very affectionate and still is. He wants to spend all of his free time with me and I feel that due to the fact that hes new to the city that’s mainly because he doesn’t know a lot of ppl. I feel that could be taking a toll on our relationship tho. A healthy normal relationship should consists of time together and time apart. I work so we are together when I get home in the afternoons.
    Its six months later and we now live together, he was new to the city I live in and hes been having trouble finding a job. Ive been very patient about the situation because hes so good to me and my daughter he cooks for us every single day, and hes told me that he saw me as wife material and introduced me to a lot of ppl in his family. Ive taken family vacations with him and his father so Im thinking things are just fine.
    As of the last couple of weeks Ive had this nagging suspicious feeling and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I know its wrong to snoop but I did I went on his cell phone and found that he has an open tagged account. I was able to see his messages and As of today it shows that he had logged in and there were messages from women in which he had responded to just a couple of hours earlier before I came home. I was hurt but more disappointed because he told me that he would never hurt me like my ex s did or any man before him. Now Im starting to question if I should stay in this realtionship or go. In my heart I feel that when a person man/woman is in a serious relationship on line dating sites should be out. I have active accounts on the on line sites as well but its been months since Ive even thought to look at them. If hes searching for something better which I feel is the case as much as it hurts me Im not afraid to be alone. Just looking for a suggestion on how to handle this is all. Thank you

    (reply)
    • Brad  September 21, 2013

      Well, I’m not familiar with Tagged but it doesn’t sound good. Your situation is a little different because it sounds as if he didn’t have a dating profile when you started dating but now he has one (?). Unfortunately it seems that at this point you should have a conversation with him about this and where he sees things going…I’d hate to think that he’d be using you for a place to live (and hopefully that’s not it).

      If you’re not sure how to approach it, I’d basically let him know what you told me: you feel bad for snooping but you were suspicious and now you’re very hurt by what you found.

  105. Ms curious  September 21, 2013

    I’ve been seeing this guy a little over 3 months now. We met online mid June and became sexua lly active early August. We would see each other 1 or twice a week. I’ve been to a work picnic once but haven’t met his friends . yet. I deactivated my account but his is still active. I don’t know if he’s been online or not but should I be worried?

    (reply)
    • Brad  September 21, 2013

      Hi Ms Curious – I’m not sure anything is jumping out at me here as requiring a lot of worry. As I’ve recommended to others, it may be best to talk with him about where he sees things going. It’s hard to judge why his profile is up otherwise – it might be because he’s still looking to date others or it might just be that he’s forgotten about it.

  106. lemres  October 7, 2013

    I met this guy online and we exchanged numbers and texted each other 2x a week for a month. Recently, we met up for the first time and we hit it off pretty well. We both said that we had a great time after it was over. I checked online today and it said that he was online today. I felt kinda hurt even though we aren’t in a relationship. I kinda don’t want him to see other guys in between the next time we meet up again. We can’t meet up often because we don’t have cars, so that plays an even bigger role in me worrying. What if this other guy he sees has a car and they meet up regularly? I keep creating these scenarios in my head and I know I shouldn’t. I just don’t want to him to like someone more than me. I know it’s fair game and it’s just a first date, but I can’t help but think this way. I was thinking of sealing the deal the second time we see each other. Any advice? Please respond!

    (reply)
    • Brad  October 12, 2013

      Hey Lemres – I’d try to be patient if you can bear it. If you really hit it off, I’d hope the car situation wouldn’t prevent a relationship from forming. And if the car situation didn’t exist, is it likely you’d find another reason to worry? I think that no matter where things actually stand, if you start to worry/stress about things, he’s going to pick up on that and it won’t make things any better.

      That might not be helpful but at the end of the day you can only control your choice. I’d hope that if there was real chemistry, things could work out (cars or not). That being said, are there any creative ways where you could spend more time together even though you don’t have cars? Even if only in the short-term? I guess my thought is that some more time together could help convince you both that it’s a good match (or not) and then all the wondering wouldn’t be required.

  107. lemres  October 12, 2013

    Hey Brad. I really do appreciate the advice but it’s not going to work out. From my snooping, it seems that he’s been talking to another guy that day I wrote that message. They’re both in the same college so and both haven’t returned to the site since that day. If that doesn’t explain enough, I texted him once and he didn’t respond. I texted him yesterday and he said that he “saw” my text but was “super busy and forgot”. He then said that he was going out at that time. I tried to start a conversation but he said sorry but I’m going out soon. I’ll text you soon! Today comes by and not one text from him all day. Yeah… Just giving you an update. I hope all guys aren’t like this because it seems like it. I thought he was nice and understanding, but I was completely wrong. He could’ve at least told me upfront instead of brushing me off and beating around the bush.

    (reply)
    • lemres  October 12, 2013

      And it sucked because my friend offered to give me rides to his dorm but now that’s canceled. But again, thanks for the advice. Hopefully this will help out other people.

  108. leah  April 7, 2014

    I met a guy online from okc in January 2014, I was evicted 6 weeks afterwards for violating my lease after letting family members stay with me. My landlord gave me (not kidding)a two week notice to move out. I just started working full time and could not show enough income on paper to get another apartment that fast. We decided to put the apartment in both of are names. We were approved he never moved in because he has his own home. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after we got the apartment. I made up a fake profile and decided to check to see if he would respond. He did and had no problem giving me his number! I confronted him about and he said he was deleting it and,and I better start acting right. A few weeks later we broke up for 5 days I activated my profile and gave a guy my number. I told him if I ever considered dating another man I would be honest. He stopped over to drop off keys. I told him I talked to another man on the phone. He flipped out!!!! Snatched my phone out of my hand said he would ” f me up” if I went on a date with another man even though we’re broken up!! I just found out today he has another profile on POF I want to date other men but now I feel stuck….

    (reply)
    • Brad  May 3, 2014

      Leah – this sounds like a very bad situation. I think you should make sure some others in your life are aware of what’s going on…I don’t feel very equipped to help you very well if things are turning abusive. I don’t think you should feel stuck though – obviously this is a relationship you should work on getting away from (but I understand your concern given his response).

  109. jill  April 16, 2014

    I’ve been dating the same guy for 4 months and today I asked him where I stand and he is not answering me back is he hiding something from me

    (reply)
    • Brad  May 3, 2014

      He may be hiding something…although it may not be that he’s looking to date other women. He might just be hiding that he’s not ready to commit. That said, it’s honestly hard for me to guess as each situation can vary so much!

  110. desiree  June 10, 2014

    Hi brad,

    So I’ve been dating a guy now I met online for almost four months now. We see each other once a week since we live an hour away from each other. It is hard for me to see him everyday cause of my busy schedule and I always work on weekends. Everything is great so far, we go out for dinner, watched movies, sometimes just stay in his apartment and ordered pizza and cuddle on the couch and watched a movie. I know he likes me cause his actions shows it. We act like a couple when we are in public and he loves pda. He mentioned twice that nobody comes to his apartment but me. Actually I have some of my toiletries in his bathroom and he’s fine with that. So it concerns me when I found out that his profile is still up and he goes online like pretty much everyday. So I know this is wrong but I decided to make a fake profile using my sister’s photos since she lives in another country. So anyway, I message him and he message me back. I asked him if dating or seeing somebody and he replied he is dating here and there and kinda seeing someone but nothing serious. So as our conversation goes I knew he was referring to me the girl he was seeing. And then he said “I’m not sure I see it going anywhere. Plus she still hers up too.” ( he’s talking about my profile) So that bothers me since we haven’t had the talk yet. So I took down my profile after we chat and plans to talk to him about our relationship. Can you please give me some advice on this? I would really appreciate it.

    Thank you.

    Desiree

    (reply)
    • Brad  June 16, 2014

      I think you’re taking the right steps. Obviously what you describe doesn’t sound good (in the sense that it seems like he’s telling you one thing and then says something online that is different to your “sister”). I think you getting your profile down and then asking him where he sees things going is the best thing to do. While it does look like he may be being a bit dishonest with you, there is a chance that he may, for some reason, think you’re not interested in a serious relationship. I think having the talk on this will clear that up and if he STILL won’t take his profile down, I think that will be the sign that something is really wrong.

  111. desiree  June 29, 2014

    Thank you for your advice brad. After I posted my previous concerns, my man and I went out to dinner and after that I asked him how he feel about us being exclusive and he hugged me and was silent for a minute then he said yes. I was happy and relieved. So it’s been three weeks now since we agreed to be exclusive but he still have his profile up and checking it. I can check him using my fake profile. I know he was aware that I disabled my profile because he can check it. I am aware that there is a 30 minutes lag off in okc, like you will still appear online even though you already logged out. So based on my observation I am assuming that he was checking his profile for a minute or two then logged out. So my question is should I be concern about his profile is still up and he’s still checking it, since I never mention or ask him to take it down. Or just let it go and don’t make a big deal of it and just focused on our relationship?

    Thank you

    Desiree

    (reply)
    • Brad  June 29, 2014

      Hi Desiree – glad the conversation went well! So should you be concerned? Well…I don’t think it’s a *good* thing that he’s still logging in. I don’t think that means that you should have concerns that you’re being cheated on, but I do think you should have concerns around “why does he feel that he still needs to be checking his dating profile?”

      It might be something relatively harmless (such as an ego thing and nothing more). However, when we commit to getting into a relationship we should be willing to give some things up. I’m pretty sure that my wife would be upset if I flirted with other women and told her it didn’t mean anything or that it was an ego thing.

      I do think that approaching this with caution is a good idea…you don’t want to come off as if you’re obsessing. However, now that he’s made the commitment I think it makes the next steps easier. Maybe wait a week or so and see if the profile comes down on its own. Then if it doesn’t, you could tell him a friend told you that she saw him actively online and you could ask why his profile is still active. Don’t ATTACK him about it – show genuine curiosity and I hope he’ll realize that even if he thinks it’s not a big deal that his profile should come down/be hidden.

  112. Anon  July 9, 2014

    This issue is a show-stopper for me. I am in my late 40s and was seeing and sleeping with a man in his late 50s who I learned was very active on the dating site we met on. True, we did not discuss what sleeping together meant, but I did not think it was necessary to have the same conversation I might have had with a 30-year-old. I gave him about a one-minute explanation over the phone, broke it off, and have not looked back. He was furious. We made some mistakes by not talking earlier, but I did not want to use that as a reason for exercizing caution when I knew I would not go forward. Whether his behavior was “just” ego-stroking or serious looking doesn’t matter–I found it repulsive and a waste of a mature person’s time. Sometimes you just cut your losses and look forward.

    (reply)
  113. Earl  July 21, 2014

    A very close friend of mine starting seeing a guy she met in a club in early May. I don’t think she knew he had an active match.com profile at the time. I became aware of it and thinking I was doing the right thing I brought it to her attention about 4 weeks into their seeing each other. She seemed surprised and immediately asked him about it. He admitted to having a profile but said he only logged on when match send him daily/weekly suggested matches. Anyway, he took down/hid his profile – temporarily. About 6 weeks ago (mid-June) his profile started showing up as active again and has remained so continuously. Over those six weeks he is regularly on it, at least twice a day and usually for at least an hour at a time. I believe that last night one or the other stayed the night at the other’s house. Well, this morning, at 8:00 AM, he’s on match.com and stays on for an hour and a half. Having once brought my concern to her attention, should I do so again or should I just let her find out for herself – possibly the hard way. Oh, their relationship has apparently progressed to the point where she has introduced him to her kids even though she only separated from her husband on February 1, 2014. One final point, over Memorial Day weekend I suggested she needed to take some time for herself to start healing from the end of her 14 year marriage. She politely told me to F YOU, have not contact with her, stay out of her life and that she didn’t want or need me as a friend in her life despite the fact we have been close for 20 years. Thoughts on what to do?

    (reply)
    • Brad  July 25, 2014

      Hi Earl – did she seem to appreciate it the first time? If it was important to her that you let her know the first time, I’d think you would tell her again. I can see why some people might not like their friends reporting on this sort of thing regularly…but if you’re close, she would probably appreciate it.

  114. lovely_girl  July 23, 2014

    Hi Brad
    My situation is very similar to what had been described in a few of the comments earlier. I meet this guy on a dating site 3 months ago and we do have feelings for each other.We do text and talk on the phone quite often but I had came to realise that its already been 3 months and his profile is still active and he goes on it quite often. I had asked him about this issue a few times and each time he just informs me that he is not cheating on me or dating anyone else. I don’t know if I should give him more time or move on to find someone who is more committed to me. Another problem is that a few times he had informed me that he is confused and do not know what he wants in life or keeps on changing his problem which makes me feel so confused and disappointed. He always tells me that he loves me deep down but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    (reply)
    • Brad  July 25, 2014

      Have you been dating exclusively for 3 months or have you not had a talk on being exclusive? I’m assuming it’s been decided that you would date each other exclusively if he’s saying that he loves you. When you bring up the fact that his profile is up, do you tell him that it bothers you? I think that might be a next step: to let him know that you’re very unhappy that he keeps his profile up. If he still doesn’t make the right decision (taking his profile down), I think you may want to consider putting yours back up as well to see if you can find other people to date. You could continue to date him if you want, but if he says that he loves you but refuses to take down his profile even when he knows it bothers you…well, I find that very concerning.

  115. lovely_girl  July 26, 2014

    Hi Brad,
    Thanks for replying back Brad. We started off as being friends with each other and now started dating but he never mentioned about being exclusively but when I check the dating site each day he seems to be on it very often as I am very confused as to why when he informed me that he is my boyfriend and still looking for someone else.Also, I find really annoying is when he informs me that he is not cheating on me but why is he still on the dating site.I had put my profile back on and started looking as well.I just wanted some suggestions from you about moving on or should I still date him as it really bothers me and also when he tells me that he doesn’t know what he really wants.I am thinking of giving him a few weeks and see what happens but at the same time I am concerned as well and confused as to why his profile is still active and he often logs on.

    (reply)
  116. Jane  September 5, 2014

    Hi Brad, I really enjoyed the post and seems that many of us experience the same issue. Mine is pretty similar however, like most others, I really don’t know how to handle it. I was chatting/emailing a guy for about a month, we met and seemed to get along really well. We have been seeing each other, twice a week for 7 weeks now.

    I was feeling unsure (trust issues from being cheated on 2 out of 3 boyfriends) and so I created a “fake” profile (something I am not very proud of). He had cancelled his membership (and told me he was doing this) about 3 weeks ago. I was thrilled :) But then, he was charged with another 6 month subscription – despite the fact that he had cancelled. He asked me to cancel the recurring payments in Paypal, which I did for him (English is his second language and he’s not terribly computer savvy). This of course, hasn’t cancelled his current 6 month subscription. He is now back on the dating website daily again.

    I have said to him that if he likes, he can continue dating but he needs to tell me, so that I can do the same. I try not to pressure him about it and he hasn’t been dishonest with me. It’s awkward now because I don’t really want to confess and say that I created a “fake” profile because of my own insecurities. I want to pull back from him and stop seeing him, but it’s so hard to do when you like someone. Its a similar situation to the above scenarios – he really has his act together and has made it very clear that he is sure that he wants me in his life (so he doesn’t say anything like “I’m not sure” or “I can’t commit”). It’s so frustrating for me that the website charged him (earlier than they should) and after he had cancelled his sub. Exactly the same thing happened to me with them – and at the time I tried contacting them, but I was ignored. I was only charged another month though. Realistically I believe that whether or not he has paid for a subscription, if he is interested in me – then he shouldn’t be using it! Maybe I just answered my own question and it’s just hard to let go of something that seems to great.

    Thanks so much for providing such great information, Jane

    (reply)
    • Brad  September 14, 2014

      Yes, I would agree that you answered your own question! Almost everyone who has success with online dating will have some time where they have a subscription but aren’t using it…assuming they meet someone. It sounds like he’s assuming you’d continue to date other people because you spent the money even if you found someone you wanted to date exclusively and that makes no sense to me. That’s like saying, “The $100 I spent on my subscription is more important than what I have with you”.

  117. Jane  September 6, 2014

    Hi Brad,

    “He’s on match for friends”

    I have been dating this guy I met from online for about 3 months now, everything was amazing in the beginning. After the first date their was no question weather or not if I wanted to see him again, hope to be his GF and etc. I ended communication with all other guys, hid my profile and gave this guy my full attention because that’s the kind of woman I am. We did have the talk of being BF/GF and being exclusive. Sometimes I feel that maybe we rushed into things a little too quick….We saw each other every weekend and we would stay the night at each others house…I trusted this guy, he made me feel loved by his actions. For ex. He helped with my car, helped paint the shutters of my fathers house, my father is getting old now and it meant so much to me, he even helped with other things around the house, he said he “liked to take care of me.”

    Well all that being said, I do have some family issues in my life, I have a brother who has a drug/alcohol problem who is always getting in trouble that I have to look out for, my mother passed away 5 years ago but it still feels like yesterday. I am a strong woman who needs a strong guy. I try and not let these things effect me but of course they do from time to time, my friends are always telling me I need someone who is going to be there for me…a superman…And yes this guy has understood things, told me I could talk to him, however recently their was another family episode and my guy wanted “a break” ok. He said things to me like “you have a lot of stress in your life, and it’s stressing me out etc.. I think it’s all because of the recent stuff with my brother…

    So to get to the point here just like many of these other stories I felt something was off with him, I wasn’t getting the morning texts anymore..He wasn’t being extra sweet to me in his texts…One night from my hidden account I looked on match and noticed he had his profile up, he even uploaded a picture I took of him. I was heart broken when I saw it, and I text him right away confronting him about it…. his response was “that the site is for friends, just like facebook” I said him he has got to be kidding because it is a DATING site not a friend site and what would he do when girls want to meet him? …….. After fighting about it for weeks he’s now saying he’s going to delete it but when where together to do it… Because as soon as I saw he had his, damn right I put mine back up and he said I did it out of “revenge” …. I tried to explain to him I want you to see where I’m coming from, that I was so shocked and hurt that he did that…. However there are more things apparently he’s saying that I didn’t tell him “I love him” during sex which was odd to me because I have in the past, I even brought him breakfast the last time I saw him….Ugh just so many things I’m confused about. I told him I’m a straight up woman if he wants to explore to just tell me and that I hoped he finds what hes looking for and someone who loved, respected and appreciated him as much as i did, this set him off right away….he would say things like “you don’t want to work it out” etc……He told me we were just on a “break” not broken up that he wanted to prove to me breaks could work….. And then back to the sex thing he thinks he was going to get some from me but I told him not till “the break is over and the sites are deleted” (THIS IS ALL TEXTING BTW) and he goes “you’re demanding stuff because you said were not going to have sex till I delete match”…ummm duh… I said Yes and I have a good point to, that don’t you think? I want to be with you if you want a relationship with me, I don’t want to be with you if you’re only deleting it to have sex with me and he goes “of course not” And I said the whole match thing adds a lot of confusion to me..What am I going to be with you, sleep with you, & be wondering whats going on; on the side with the dating site…..his response “will be deleted”

    Any advice/opinions on this Brad? I’m so confused and bothered by this. After everything this guy has done for me…I just don’t get it…commitment issues? I’m not too sure because he was willing to have a baby with me if I let him, deff not ready now! & um look at this situation… Friends on match? idk? He’s a great guy, doesn’t have much friends but come on… I’m not sure if I’m being too stubborn

    Thank you Brad

    (reply)
    • Brad  September 14, 2014

      Hi Jane – unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s much help to give here. It sounds like this guy decided to start looking again but wasn’t going to tell you. The fact that you had to fight about it for weeks is a really bad sign too. It honestly sounds like your time might be better spent looking for someone who would fight to spend time with you as opposed to fighting to spend time with others.

      And no one uses match.com for finding friends. That’s ridiculous.

  118. chicslyone  September 8, 2014

    Just curious of anyone’s thoughts on this…been going out with a guy i met online. Have had a 5-6 really great dates, chemistry off the charts, met his daughter, spent a weekend with him. Not in that place to talk about exclusivity but one thing that I find bothersome for me is when I see he is online immediately after I’ve left his place or he’s left mine. I have checked simply out of curiosity and really to keep myself from getting to attached at this point.

    I know other men who do this sort of thing, I am no stalker, just keeping my heart in check here. I am one to not talk with other men when I am a few dates into seeing a guy, but we aren’t to that place of discussing taking down profiles yet. Do i just shrug this behavior off?

    (reply)
    • Brad  September 14, 2014

      I think I’d try to shrug it off for now. As you approach being exclusive, obviously it would be a problem but since you say that’s not where you’re at, I’d leave it be. And I think what you’re saying is that what really bothers you is that as soon as you’re done spending time together he’s on the site, right? Would it really make you feel better if he waited until the next morning? I guess it could but it might just be a schedule or habit thing (like something he does before bed) so I’d try to not read too much into the timing.

  119. margaret  September 10, 2014

    Hi Brad,

    So I need some advise. I met a guy on Plenty of Fish in June. We instantly conneceted. Things moved a little too fast. We were seeing each other multiple days a week, but enjoying every bit of it. We both voluntarily took our profiles off about a month in, but we never really had the exclusive conversation. A couple of weeks ago, I think it sank in with me how fast we were moving and I asked him for some time for me to think. So I took a week to decide if this was someone I really wanted to be in a relationship with because we both have kids, and I wanted to make sure that if I commited I am doing so with the intent that I will stick around for awhile knowing we will start to integrate with the children. I took some time to reflect and by the end of the week I realized how much I missed him. It proved to me this is someone I really want to be exclusive with. Well, he apparently took me requesting time to think as pretty much a break up. He told me that I really hurt him and that it will take some time to repair the hurt. When we are together still everything is great. This past Sunday night he stayed over. Although we didn’t have sex, we messed around. I noticed that he was not his normal self around me. So I checked online later Monday and low and behold he created a new profile recently online and he was on that day. It hurt so badly, and it made me feel extremely dirty and disrespected that he would mess around with me and talk to others the same day.

    I confronted him about it after I had time to let it chill. I told him how much it hurt me. He said he was extremely hurt as well and he still cares for me a lot, but wants to take it slow. I don’t know how it got to this point. I am still so extremely hurt. I am not sure if I can handle knowing that he is with me and others. I get that I hurt him, and we obviously had some sort of miscommunication about what I ment by needing some time to think. I just don’t know how to deal with the pain. Do I continue to try with him? Do I move on? I’m afraid if I put my profile back up that it will make the situation worse, plus I really don’t want to. I want to be with him. If I try to ride it out, what is a good amount of time to see if he takes it down? it’s like we took two steps back. I definitely can not be physical with him if I know he is talking to other people. I don’t function that way. I just don’t know how to revert backward.

    Please Help :/

    (reply)
  120. carrie  October 20, 2014

    Hi Brad,

    I met this guy online a month ago. We haven’t gone on a real date yet because he lives in a different country than mine. He knows that I will soon be going to live where he lives soon because that is my plan (even before I met him) – which is four months from now. He said he is so excited to date and see me, and already planned where our date would be. He also said that he would fetch me in the airport. We chat and video call almost everyday, and our emotional connection just gets deeper and sensual. Things have been really great and exciting. He said that he finds me very pretty and hot. I understand his availability issues because of his work as a nurse, but I’m feeling this sadness and doubt inside me because it has already been almost a week since he last sent me a message. His last message though was that he was going to message me the next day..but he didn’t. His dating profile is still up. Should I be worried? We haven’t talked about exclusivity yet, because I don’t want to pressure him. But do you think what we have now can get any deeper..or possibly bloom into a relationship? I’m scared because I think I’m already falling for him. Thanks a lot.

    (reply)
    • Brad  October 26, 2014

      I’d try not to worry too much at this point. I do think the exclusive conversation could be very tough before you meet, but if you find you keep worrying about it and you think you’re at a place where he’d be open to it, I’d bring that conversation up. I think you’d be better off talking about it now (assuming you can’t stop worrying) than waiting another four months and being miserable with concerns.

  121. Carrie  October 20, 2014

    Hi Brad,

    I met this guy online almost a month ago. We haven’t gone on a real date yet because he lives in a different country than mine. He knows that I will soon live where he lives because that is my future plan (even before I met him) – which is four months from now. He said that he is very much excited in seeing and dating me, and already planned on where we would go. He even told me that he’ll fetch me at the airport. He said that he finds me very pretty and hot. Things are going very great. We chat and video call at least thrice a week. Our emotional connection gets deeper and becomes more sensual. I’m afraid that I’m starting to fall for him. One thing bothers me though, his profile in the dating site is still active – though he told me before that he rarely checks or chat with women in it. I understand his schedule because of his work demands as a nurse, but there’s this feeling inside me that makes me feel a bit sad and worried because it’s been almost a week since he last called me. His last message was that he was going to send me a message the next day…but he didn’t. Brad, do you think what we have now can get more serious – become exclusive and enter into a relationship? We haven’t talked about exclusivity yet, because I think that it’s too early to talk about it and that I might be putting pressure on him, but I don’t want any games or be fooled. When is the best time to ask him? And what could be the best approach? Thanks a lot.

    (reply)
  122. crystal  November 16, 2014

    i have been dating a guy for 5 weeks, been out 12 times w/a couple of overnights. we met online and his profile is still active. i deleted mine because i was sick of the in box messages and found someone (him) that i really liked. now 5 weeks later i will be meeting his kids and going to a family gathering soon but he is still online. he actually messaged a friend asking if she wanted to chat and that she was the only woman he was talking to. she didnt answer him. we get along great and have fun together. he says hes not dating/sleeping with anyone else but why is he still online? should i have her make a date with him and me show up? what do i do?

    (reply)
    • Brad  November 20, 2014

      I would not trick the guy into dating your friend. That feels like it could go wrong it lots of different ways. I would talk to him: let him know you want to be exclusive and see what he says. You had left a comment in another post saying that he expressed surprise when you told him you only date one person at a time, so I think he is coming at the relationship from a different starting point.

      You may not like the answer you get, but I think being 100% clear on what you’re hoping for in the relationship (especially since you’ve dated for 5 weeks) will be better than trying to be sneaky.

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