Online Dating Blog

My Boyfriend Has Kept His Online Dating Profile Active

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Strangely enough, this situation seems to happen more often than I would expect: after finding a serious relationship some men still keep their online dating profile active. The explanations for this are pretty weak but these men always make the argument that there’s some good reason to keep their profile active.

If you’re a woman who has found herself in this situation, I think you have a problem on your hands. It may not mean he’s cheating but I do think it means he’s not taking the relationship as seriously as he should be. The primary reason to keep an online dating profile active is simple: the desire to meet people. Now there could be other reasons. Maybe he just likes having his ego stroked when women flirt with him. This is a problem since he’s not in a position to be flirting!

Reasons This Might Happen
Here are all the reasons I could think of for a man to keep a profile active while he’s in a relationship. None of these are a good thing:
1. He’s not sure that he likes his current relationship.
2. He likes to flirt and be flirted with.
3. He may not flirt but likes the idea that women like him.
4. He’s looking to cheat.
5. He’s looking to meet or talk to women for some other reason I’ve not thought of.

How Can I Fix This Situation?
First, I think you need to take serious consideration in the fact that he’s not as committed to your relationship as he should be. This doesn’t mean that he’s going to cheat on you or break up immediately but it can’t be seen as a good thing. At the very least, this action is a serious sign of disrespect. If you’re his woman, he should appreciate that and shouldn’t be pulling this kind of thing. It’s along the lines of a boyfriend who continues to talk to the ex that he just broke up with and I think it’s reasonable to ask him to stop.

If you’re not comfortable asking him to stop, I have one other recommendation. Create an account on the same site and communicate with him. If it’s a free site, I’d suggest sending an email about mundane things: “Hey, did you want to watch that movie tonight?” If it’s not a free site, wink at him or use whatever free communication the site offers.

The point is to get him to recognize that you have a profile as well and hopefully this will help him realize that it doesn’t feel good when the person you’re dating is putting themselves out there in a singles community. If pressed, your excuse for using the site should be the same as his. If this process doesn’t help, I’d then recommend talking about the men who are contacting you: “You should see the email this weird guy sent me today!” would be an example.

Finally, if he still doesn’t get the idea I’d suggest that you keep using your dating profile until you find a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve and end things with this guy. You might care a great deal for this man but his actions suggests he cares less for you than he should.

Match.com – Everyone knows someone who met on Match.com. Now it is your turn. Search Now!


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About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

Discussion

  1. Louise123  May 10, 2010

    Anybody who has an online profile and is in a “RELATIONSHIP” is
    a CHEATER. Call it anything you want —— but it is DISRESPECTFUL and
    not representative of a commited union with YOU. I played this game with
    my EX fiance… for FOUR years……. LIes – hidden text messages – secret phone calls -
    ONLINE PROFILES when we were “ENGAGED”….. denials….. blah blah blah.
    We are the “NICE, TRUSTING, GENUINE” people that these rats take advantage of.
    As long as you forgive and believe the b.s – you will continue to be DISRESPECTED
    and your “relationship” continues to be a fake. If he loved YOU, he would have no
    need for an online ANYTHING. Took me 4 yrs to finally see the light – I believed the
    “I love YOU’s….. you are the ONLY woman I need…. I won’t do ANYTHING to jeopardize
    our relationship…” BLAH BLAH BLAH….. Don’t believe it. It’s B S to keep you hanging on so he can get sex, money, favors, love, gifts, …….. Trust me. I have been there.
    LOSE THE LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Louise123  May 10, 2010

    PS
    AND…… DO NOT….. I REPEAT…….
    DO NOT let them guilt you when they say.. ” OH, YOU don’t trust me!!”

    THAT IS RIGHT. YOU DO NOT….. With GOOD reason!!!!!

    GOD BLESS.

    (reply)
    • cathy  November 14, 2012

      Yeah everything you said is like what im going through. I have a boyfriend that is always coming home from work all happy but when he goes to take a shower i lool in his phone and i see that hes been going on different websites he has a gmail facebook msn and a zoosk and i see thar in his phone under history that shows all the. Shit hes been doing behind ky bsck he doesnt delete them so i find them. Why is he doing this? He even doesnt like to male love with me sometimes at nigjt! It feels like hes rejecting me! He sometomes sleeps with his back turned to me! I hate that also when hes really mad he calls me bad names. But later on apologises. He likes to say i dont love you as. Before when hes mad! And he denies going on any websites. It kills me because he swears it by god! But i dnt know if its all togther true! Help me please is he cheating on me over the internet????

  3. LK  August 13, 2010

    I’ve found myself in a similar situation. The guy and I met on eHarmony shortly after we both signed up, in early July. With their payment system, however, we both have to continue to pay until September. We both still have our profiles up–i mean, we don’t exactly have a choice.

    But he texted me tonight in the middle of our conversation telling me that he updated his with new photos! –I haven’t logged in in weeks; I had no idea and he just randomly brought it up. His excuse was that he had to pay until September no matter what (true) and that he did it just because.

    Bull$#!t. I’ve been through this before and I’m calling it quits. Too bad for him that he was stupid enough to tell me what he did without me even asking or snooping lol.

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  4. Jess Jones  January 27, 2011

    I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 weeks, we emailed through Match.com for about a week prior to actually meeting. When we are together it’s as if I’m the only other person on the planet, I’ve met some of his family and his friends, and after 2 weeks of physical dating and him telling me ‘he really, really liked me’, I took my Match.com profile down. He didn’t. That wasn’t so much the issue, but it has now become an issue with me because Match.com updates how often he’s logging on to their site– “Active within 24 hours” or “Online Now”… well last night he didn’t want to hang out though I offered to cook him dinner, and told me he was going to bed early. At 9:30pm I made the mistake of logging on to Match.com, only to view his profile and see that he was “Online Now”. My heart sank. My ex-husband seemed to constantly be pursuing other women online, even if only for the attention– I don’t need that again, it’s stressful and breaks down any trust I have for that person.

    I just feel as if I deserve the truth– if he wants to keep looking for something better, then I should be too. But to call me his girlfriend and then still be ‘playing the field’ (even if only in the virtual sense) just doesn’t seem like this could possibly be as real as he leads me to believe.

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    • soga  October 3, 2011

      I had the excat situation/problem exactly what you said and it was on Match.com and yes he was online everyday and active even when we where physically dating ? what was his username on match ? maybe we were dating the same stupid guy !

    • CanD  October 7, 2011

      Either it is the same guy or there are several who just can’t keep their hand out of the cookie jar. I dated the pig too.

    • julia  February 24, 2012

      OMG,,i feel everything that has been spoken about here. Iam older,,59,,dating a 54 year old. At 3months i asked him why hes still on the dating sight where we met,,he yelled at me,,said nothing to worry about,,said he doesnt talk to anyone,,so i said well then its just like looking through a imaginer then,,he said yes. Well i surest he remove his pic then,,as no one will write to u with no pic. I check back in 3 more months and pics still there. I left him for one week.I also went on a dinner date,,i told him of this,,and i was given roses from my date. We are back together,,he has never told me that he removed his profile,but i have checked twice now,,its gone,,or hes just removed the picture. Which will work for now.Why do men feel the need to look,,he tells me he loves me,,we talk of moving in together,,i see him 4days a week. Two of them i sleep over. Whats going to happen with long term? I have been seeing him now for 7months. I was very hurt by this,,i was so disrespected as a women,,and i told him i closed my account,,and one day i put my pics back up,,he emailed me on this sight to say,,you look great. What the hell is wrong with these men? WEll only time will tell. I almost walk away for good.I was just so hurt,,and it gave me reasons to not trust,,at my age i dont need or want that kind of trust in my life.Good luck to all of you both men and women. Go with ur gut in stinks.When u love someone,,its tough,,i know.

    • iggybxxx  November 6, 2013

      Read on! I wish I had known this before I had the dreaded accusatory talk with my ex….

      I called Match because It seemed that I was listed as ‘Online Now” at several different times even though I had not logged on for days.

      Their response was that with having “Match.com by Email” active which is default, with messages coming to my personal email, that if I open or even just “click” on the message it automatically logs me into Match.

      I thought it only happened when you reply, but this, they confirmed, is not the case.

      Then I went on a date with a guy who told me about how many scam emails from women he gets from Russia, ect….I had been told this before but had forgotten.

      So if you put two and two together, a guy gets tons of scam emails, he goes to delete them and voila he is listed as “Online Now” several times a day with the resulting ‘active within 1 hours, 24 hours’, ect…. without even logging onto Match at all….

      So the whole scenario described above basically makes it very impossible to know if your guy is actually truly active or not and accusations about activity a waste of time, because you really don’t know.

  5. ximena  July 2, 2011

    I do not have a very big social life,to me dating sites are alternatives to meet some one .
    I has the same issue with my ex for 7 months he even gave me a promise ring and he tols me he loves me and i am the only one he wants,my cousin opens an account on pof the same site where i met him,and guess who was there active ? my ex….. i felt so dirty,betrayed and all the time,money and stress i invested in those 7 months were down the toilet.
    Now i have a trust issue with everyone else because of this matter.
    Please women out there we deserve better,take your time to know well who you are dating,there are many bad,heart less men out there…. just do not put your heart in an relationship if you are not sure about the other person background,records and love life. A cheater will be always a cheater ….
    Life is short live your life to the fullest ……god bless.

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  6. CanD  October 7, 2011

    It is not about TRUST. It is about RESPECT.

    Dating site=venue to find a romantic date.

    Exclusive relationship=monogamy/not dating anyone else.

    Looking for friends?

    Why go to a dating site to look for friends while monogamous? Look into a healthy interest group on meet up dot com or your local church, for example.

    Looking for FRIENDS on a site dedicated to matching people up to DATE is opportunity to – Well, DATE.

    Trust is believing in someone to treat you with respect. Going to a dating site is disrespectful to the one with whom you are monogamous.

    If you want out or are thinking about it – get out before you are tempted to check things out.

    Dating site=looking for a DATE.

    RINSE. REPEAT.

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  7. Holly  October 17, 2011

    I am currently going through this we have been dating for 6 months and had plenty of talks on my boyfriend being online daily. He tells me the same as the men above ” he loves me and only me” and “I’m just looking for friends”. He did change his profile to hang out only. It doesn’t feel good at all and now I am questioning if I should break up with him.

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  8. jean  October 24, 2011

    I met what I thought was a nice, normal guy. We were both on match (met there) then talked further when we got on plenty of fish site. After dating for a couple months, I deleted y profile from match and pof. he didn’t delete either, feigned being computer “challenged” and that he just never got around to deletiing them…
    well, long story short, he had messaged a couple women while being with me (I was his girlfriend according to him) , of course these are just the women I saw by accident.

    i was devastated. He shrugged it off, saying that he was just flirting, or being friendly, because they messaged him first, anyway, i started dating him again (I know, stupid)!! trying not to let myself get serious, just casual, but then i saw an email he sent to an old girlfriend wanting to know when they could get together!

    left him again, went back again….now i saw a missed call on his cell phone from another ex-girlfriend, who he claims is just a friend and tried to act like I was some crazy jealous insane, person. maybe it wasn’t anything, but I realized we are just broken.

    I am finally done. I never thought I could be so gullible, naive. I really am not meeting anyone that I like at all, so I guess I thought I had to settle, but life is too short.

    (reply)
    • CanD  September 24, 2012

      Its narcissistic pathological abuse to you. Read up on it before you end up a casualty of some of the sickest EFFERS on that site.

  9. please help  October 25, 2011

    i have the same problem, when we met, he closed his profile, and we spent around 7 months good, then suddenely, I found his profile active, and I got mad and told him, he said, he just keep it but he does not look to anyone, he closed again and I forgave him, he changed said to me manytime that he will come to enagage me,for the last one he did not and again he opened his profile again,,, I got mad for the third time, and I sent him a msg, he said that person is his friend. but I feel it was him.

    The question is, What should I do? Why do I see him an innocent in my dreams everytime I think to leave him?

    please tell me
    we are know each other around a year and 2 months

    (reply)
    • Kathy  November 12, 2011

      Wow, the same thing happened to me. He had two profiles on POF.. He took down one (saying he was only talking to people as “friend”) I found the other one and he said he had totally forgotten that he had it. Now a few weeks ago we got into a fight and I felt something wasn’t right so I did some investigating and he was back on POF. I sent him a text saying oh I see you’re back on a dating site. He denied it saying one of his friend knew we were having trouble and signed him up for the site. That he had to investigate to find out who it was. The profile came down the next day. Ironically everytime he was online the profile on POF was active as well. He must really think I’m stupid. We’ve been dating for 4 months now and I haven’t met any of his friends or family. He has his relationship status on Facebook as being in a relationship with me; but you set it on privacy setting and I think he has it set to where only he and I can see that.. So if it walks talks and acts like a duck…. I’m thinking he’s cheating…. Oh, and just found another profile on another dating site but it hasn’t been active….

    • Annie  June 11, 2012

      De Je Vu
      GET RID OF HIM.
      I went out with a guy I met online and he seemed nice and we got serious…well it was for a couple of months.
      Then I had an instinct to look online and found him back on line…questioned this. reply:..just looking for friends…rubbish.
      ANYONE who stays or goes back on a dating site is LOOKING for a new VICTIM!! lol
      sorry but thats the way it is.
      Some men cannot be monagamous, some just like the Thrill of the ‘dating scene’ , being attracted to other women, or have love self esteem issues, trust or just ‘need someone’. If they have no
      money or home etc they are looking for someone else to give it to them. BEWARE of these people…there may be a few who are genuine…but..do you really want a LOSER or risk all you
      have worked (and possibly allready fought ) for put at risk.
      Unfortunately the INTERNET is full of USERS, not the least dating sites.
      ANYWAY this looser is now communicating with a young women who looks 18 says she is 28
      lives overseas and lets face it..is she who she says she is? Probably not…I suspect a case of stolen identity and he is about to be scammed big time. What would a young attractive woman want with a balding, fat, impotent and self centered man???
      I am now laughing at him!!!
      Good luck to all Internet Daters and BE CAREFUL. TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING TO KNOW A PERSON, AND DO AS MANY CHECKS AS POSSIBLE.

      I

  10. Brad  October 26, 2011

    I think you need to let him know that he needs to stop doing this. Letting a friend use the account is no excuse (or at least a very poor one). His friend could create a free profile…no need to use his. Sounds like a pretty weak excuse to me.

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  11. Rhonda  November 3, 2011

    This just happened to me two days ago for a second time with a guy I was seeing for 7 months. We met online and a couple months ago I checked the site to see if he still had his profile up. He did. I texted him and he called me to explain why. He gave me the lame excuses of changing his status to ‘seeing someone’ and ‘only looking for friends’ and ‘I became friends with women I met on here and this is how we keep in touch’. I told him there’s other means to communicate with friends these days and he shouldn’t be on a dating website to meet new friends. I asked he take down his profile….For shame I let this slide and continued to see him until recently.

    We had a long distance relationship in which I was the one that went to him 90% of the time, at great expense to me. He played the image of a sweet, witty, sensitive guy that had lots of female friends. (there were many red flags that I ignored).

    Here’s the worst of all this-only one day after spending the weekend with him and we had a long talk about our relationship and six days after I had an abortion (that’s right abortion) of his baby do I catch him on the dating website.

    And now that I’ve caught him, called him on it he has no changed his profile to Single and has never (not once) contacted me or responded to any of my messages.

    He is the cruelest & most selfish man I have ever let into my life.

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  12. jessica78  November 4, 2011

    What do you do when the guy you have been dating for over four years still has an active match.com site up? I recently moved in with my boyfriend of over four years and was using his computer. I saw he had recently been on match. Do I confront him or just ignore it. Everything else is great.

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    • Sandy  January 17, 2012

      I confronted my ex-boyfriend, I saw it in Oct 2007 and again March 2009 and again Sep 2010, I kept ignoring them and cried myself to sleep till Christmas day 2011, I saw his emails to women on click & flirt, I confronted him and left him, He says I am the problem not him, but I am sorry he is the problem not me.

      Once a cheater always a cheater.

      People like that are selfish, arrogant, users, I feel he used me as he could not find anyone else to stay long enough with him and tolerate him. I did, but now I rather be alone than be used.

  13. Brad  November 5, 2011

    Um…I think I would talk to him about it. I’m not sure I would “confront” him (although that’s within your right at this point in your relationship). I’d suggest being honest without attacking: let him know you found it and you want to know what’s up.

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  14. paula  November 8, 2011

    so, similar story here except the guy i have been dating has stated he wants to take things slow and get to know me deeper over time, etc….suggesting that he is interested long term. we talk every night and go out when our custody arrangements allow…however, after dating 4 months, he is still online every day. I am not sure what to think really, other than it makes me feel like i would be 2nd choice. How do you suggest brining up this topic without being completely accusatory with someone?

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  15. Lisa  November 8, 2011

    I am having similar issues as these women…. I have been seeing someone for 4 months, we have had the talk about being boyfriend and girlfriend – which we now are. He hadn’t checked his profile on the dating site we met on for well over a month and then I noticed here and there he was checking. A few weeks ago, I noticed it was 3 days in a row. It was driving me crazy, so I said something. I asked him if he was still looking for someone and he said no, that he had gotten a few emails from a woman out of our state and just read them. So, he said that it wasn’t right of him to do that and he would delete his profile. He has not been on there since, but has not deleted it yet either. I also found out that he uses Flirt and Are You Interested through Facebook and it appears that on one of those sites he was recently active, although I am not sure how long it takes to not log into the account for it to say otherwise. I am not sure what to do or how long to wait to ask him about not deleting his account and also how to ask him about his other accounts. Things have been going wonderful aside from this, he seems very genuine and kind, not the type of person to cheat at all. All of his past relationships were very long term. He talks of a future with me, so I am stumped on how to handle this, help please!! Thanks.

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    • jan  February 22, 2012

      same thng.he told me hs nt datng or seing anybody bt lately he said he needs to go to gym etc!i knw hes online a lot a day.whats the point?simply bec he wntd to check and flirt and meet othr women.so sad and broken heartd

  16. Marcia  November 23, 2011

    My ex boyfriend of 13 months flirted with women all the time, though I never felt threatened until a year into the relationship. His feelings had changed, he was flirting with a woman by text on his phone whose name he was lying about. I read the messages and confronted him, and he used the excuse that he did not cheat, flirts all the time, but he is also very insecure with himself and his age. We all flirt, sure, but this I consider cyber cheating. The other woman does not know that a girlfriend exists, and he thinks he is allowed and that it is not disrespectful. We, of course, broke up, and he can now continue to look for whatever he thinks he deserves but will never find. NO, there is no excuse for a man in a relationship to be on a dating sight or “hiding” on Match.com like mine was.

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  17. Christy  December 11, 2011

    WOW! I have the exact opposite problem.. Perhaps, you, Brad, can help me out and explain this. I met this guy a little over 3 weeks ago on POF… After going out every day for about 10 days, talking on the phone daily several times a day, and texting in between he complained that I still had a profile up on POF (so did he). He said he wasn’t logging on which was true. I removed my profile; he HID his!!! and continued logging on daily!!! Then we had a discussion about being exclusive including removing profiles, etc. He did remove his profile from POF and match. Several days later he texted me a screen shot of my OLD profile on POF (another one I’d opened a few years back and had forgotten about). He said he could search without being a member and that the only reason was to check if I was still on (which he knew my profile which we met through was gone)… sounds like a BS excuse to me and I think he was looking for someone else, NOT me… He said I was a hypocrite and when I explained that I’d forgotten about that profile (old pictures, not logged on in the last 30 days, which was very apparent) he said he needs to “think about it” for a couple of days… I said fine, think about it and if you want to revisit this discussion contact me, but I will not contact you first… If your decision is to break it off, no further action is necessary and I will not contact you either… that was yesterday.. what do you think about this, Brad?

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  18. Brad  December 11, 2011

    To me this sounds like some trust issues on his part that go deeper than the visibility of a dating profile. I’m not sure I’d be so convinced he was looking for someone else either…he sounds as if he’s insecure about things and was likely looking for you.

    Considering you’d only been talking for 3 weeks, I think he could have been a bit more understanding about the mistake…especially since you took the profile down. As you’ll notice, a re-occurring issue for previous readers is the struggle to get the profile down in the first place! You were co-operative which again makes me think he just feels insecure.

    I also suspect his “thinking about it” is just a ploy to try to show you that you had something valuable and you shouldn’t mess with that (yes, I know you weren’t intentionally “messing with it” but I’m suggesting this is how he might see things). I’ve been wrong before but if I were a betting man, I would bet that you’d hear from him in the next few days.

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  19. Christy  December 11, 2011

    Thank you, Brad! I’ll let you know what happens!

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  20. sassyasscass  December 21, 2011

    I too am going through a similar issue. I have been with my guy for almost two years. He’s done the signing on to a dating site thing before when we get in fights and I’ve been known to watch his email so a part of me always thought he did it because he knew I would find out (yes, he’s that type of guy). We have huge fights and our most recent was in October/November and ever since getting back together I have really just lost trust in him. He works out of town and I know a lot of his friends just go out looking for “strange” while on these jobs, regardless if they are married or in a relationship. I’ve always told him this makes me uncomfortable. Well his last stint out of town really had the jealousy wheels turning, for the reason mentioned above, as well as his recent induction into the world of Facebook in which I am nowhere to be found on his profile (mentioned as a girlfriend or a picture) and he listed he is interested in….Women. So I haven’t really mentioned anything because I know how some guys are with the mentioning of their women on their profiles, but interested in women?! Really?! So we’re not getting along so well (things are hard for us right now for many other reasons) and I noticed last night he had an email come in for GoHookup.com. I’m thinking, “Hey, what’s this? Maybe and advertisement?” Nope. He read the mail, which was someone winking at him. So I log into the profile and see that he’s listed his age, the town he lives in and his preferred age range and did some “browsing”. No picture or other information and right after creating and logging in yesterday, he unsubscribed from emails. But did not delete his account. I’m debating saying anything because I know his excuse will be that he just happend to “hear” about the site somehow and was checking it out, which could be true considering it doesn’t appear to be active or that he’s used it other than probably browsing. This just hurts so incredibly bad, considering all the crap we’ve been through in the past two years. He tells me I’m the one, he knows he could never do better, and I even have a ring on it. I love this guy and I’m so waiting on him to grow up and change and do all the things he’s promised me but it’s just not happening. I don’t think he’s ready for what I want.

    Glad to know there are others out there but it saddens me to know that this seems to be so common amongst (mostly) men. Is this just a “hurdle” in relationships (and I realize there are probably guys out there that would never do this type of stuff but those arent the ones I seem to attract)? Are we supposed to allow for this kind of “browsing” because it is built into a man’s brain? If nothing comes of the browsing, is it worth mentioning and possibly creating a huge fight over? I know I should tell him for the reason that I am upset, but I also don’t want to appear that I’m making a big issue out of nothing.

    Sad and Confused….

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    • sassyasscass  December 21, 2011

      Ok, while I’m still obsessing over this I noticed he signed in to not just one, but THREE dating sites yesterday. I think I just found my answer, as hard as it is to swallow.

  21. Brad  December 22, 2011

    Sassyasscass – first, I don’t think we should just write this off as how a man’s brain is built. I’m not a psychologist but I’ve seen men that I’ve considered to be “players” become totally committed when they met the right woman. If I went browsing on dating site, my wife would punch me in the nose (and I support her in that decision).

    I also don’t support the “just browsing” argument. Why look at real people in your area and be tempted to contact them? If it’s just about looking at women wouldn’t it be better to go buy an issue of Maxim or something? Not that this is a perfect solution for the woman that prefers that her guy not do this, but it’s a heck of a lot better than going on a dating site.

    And yeah, if he’s logging into multiple dating sites I think that’s a really bad sign. There are issues with Match.com where if he were to open an email it can show him logged in without his know but…explaining away three different services is about impossible to do.

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  22. Jo  December 30, 2011

    I’m in the same boat. I’m dating this guy for 2 months and it was him who started the girlfriend / boyfriend talk and just before I went on a Christmas Holiday I found out that he has a profile on PoF! I didn’t confront him but I was checking daily if he’s online. You don’t need open up an account to do so. He wasn’t an active member when I found his account but he’s been online once before went on hols and twice since I’m on vacation and the worst part is that on his profile he states that he’s single and looking for a long term relationship. Obviously not updated since we’re “exclusive” – however, we are now so I expect his profile to be deleted.
    Also, just before I left the city we chatted on FB and I asked him about changing his relationship status from Single to In a relationship but he ignored me, then I asked him again and he said he’ll do but he doesn’t know how… says the guy who’s a computer geek!

    I’m about to see him again tomorrow when I get back from vacation and I’d really LOVE to confront him with this shit when he’s in the car driving but I don’t know how to start.
    Him being on this dating website only shows me that he’s not really committed and I feel fooled, it hurts and it’s so disrespectful!
    I really just wanna punch him the face!!!

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  23. Eliska  January 4, 2012

    After my emotional abusive ex broke up with me I looked into his emails as I thought there was more to it . We lived together for two years .

    Anyway I saw an email he and his friend were sending eachother . The subject ” The Plan ” my ex is 31 and his friend is 40 something .

    At this dating site you send ” kisses ” to show your interest and he said he already sent 6 and then made some lame joke . And how he has to man up and give me the breakup speech . His friend said ” she has no respect , show her the exit door ” I found his profile and from what I think , he had it since we were dating .

    He met the ex before me on there and I asked him which one they met on and he said he forgot . Sure . And he always deleted his browser history .

    And it IS cheating if they do it , emotional cheating .

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  24. Rebecca  January 12, 2012

    I hate to say it but I am glad that I am not the only one to have been in this horrible position. I will keep it short and just say I spent the last year getting jerked around by a guy who claimed “computer inadequacy”, not knowing how to end the service…”his friends signed him up”…and most recently, after watching for a solid month and seeing him “online now” or “active within 24 hours” he lied to my face and told me he hadn’t even been on the site in over three weeks. Ladies, this is just pitiful. We are strong and wonderful creatures so can we please start to act like it? This goes for me, too. After all, in my mind it is much, much better to be single and happy than to be with someone who makes you feel inadequate, insecure and overall lonely.

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  25. Alexa  January 17, 2012

    I’m in a similar situation. I met a guy a year ago off match.com. For about 7-8 months it was on and off. We went a great mount of time not seeing each other or talking. Over the summer we just randomly stopped talking. This past September he initiated contact and we have been dating ever since. We talk on the phone every day and see each other 2-3 times a week. In November I texted him and told him I really liked him and needed to know if he saw this going somewhere. He said he really liked me too and that he was going with the flow. He said he is always busy and tired from work ( which he is ) , but would like to see each other more and see where it goes. I asked if he was dating anyone else and he said no. I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone else either. I assumed after this conversion we were exclusive. The past three weeks he has been extremely busy ( more than usual) and I have only seen him once. Some friends suggested that maybe he was dating other girls and recommended I check if he was still on match. I reactivated my account yesterday, and looked him up, and sure enough he had logged on the day before. I checked again and he was online again today. Im so heartbroken since we have known each other for almost a year now. I’m debating whether or not I should end all contact with him and just walk away, or if I should have a talk with him in person and let him explain himself. I feel as though I’ve been very patient with having a “title” and don’t think I should have to wait any longer.

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    • Brenda  January 27, 2012

      I am currently going through what everyone on here has. This is the third guy I have dated that has done this. I am about ready to confront him about it when he comes down this weekend. He should not be surprised after all he is the one who said he would delete his. I just reactivated mine. I am waiting to see if he says anything about it.

    • Annie  June 11, 2012

      WALK AWAY. I speak from experience…once a cheater always a cheater and who needs a partner whom you always ‘Wonder’ about.
      Exclusivety (if that is a word) is what any serious relationship is about. There are (somewhere) guys who ARE looking for a serious relationship.
      COME ON GIRLS —-give them short shift if they stay online!!! Go online yourself then give him the flick!!

  26. Margie  February 2, 2012

    I’d appreciate some advice… My story is somewhat different from the others in that he and I live in different states. Met on fitness-singles. Emailed for two months. Scheduled a visit to see me. Prior to his visit, my subscription ended, so I hid my profile so as not to get any more emails, though I did get some from previous corresponders. I logged in now and then, and noticed for about a week his was still on. Another week goes by and his profile is gone. Clearly hidden. Though I’ve noticed he was still active. I can still see his profile because we’ve emailed and that’s how fitness-singles works. So then I got to checking his activity, while I was hidden. Silly cat and mouse. What do you make of that? I know why mine is hidden and active now – checking on his activity. I wonder why his is hidden and active… any ideas other than he could be doing the same as I am? I have deactivated my profile, so what he sees of me is ‘no longer a member’, and he cannot see that I have logged in.

    Anyway, we finally met in my state a couple of weekends ago. He stayed at a hotel; though that did not stop the ‘intimacy’ after a couple of dates. Now I feel like such an idiot because he’s been back for a week and has contacted me only by email 3 times, no phone call. This is his typical MO from before we met, I just thought after meeting, claiming he had a great time, wants me to visit, wants to come back that he would contact more. I want to add he has been a perfect gentleman (he’s late 40s, I’m early 50s), emails always proper, but in person is more fun and engaging. So I dont get it, other than to assume he’s just not that into me. I’d be OK with that, just want it defined. Part of me wonders if he’s following my lead; he knows I’m not into rushing things, not interested in marriage. Thoughts anyone?

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  27. Brad  February 4, 2012

    I’d love to hear what others think but my thoughts are that if he’s hiding his profile, that’s a very positive sign. As for why there’s still activity on a hidden account, maybe he’s checking on you…or maybe not. I really can only guess but I do think hiding the profile is a great first step.

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  28. MarniDiane  February 13, 2012

    Ok.so I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. A year into our relationship I found out that the same week he met me he had a one night stand and she became pregnant as the result. I had a very hard time accepting this and I will admit it took me a long time to get over it. Also in the same month he became a father he took a vacation to Australia for a week to visit a long time (female) friend, who paid for the trip. I did not approve of this trip since she had told him in the past that she thought she was in love with him. He explained to me that she was married and had a family and her husband knew that he was coming to visit. So again I had to get over it. About a year and a half onto our relationship I found that he had not signed out of his email so I started reading them. I couldnt believe my eyes! Messages from all kinds of women. The baby’s mom sending him nude photos of herself, other women sending pictures of themselves, hook up dates that he had made with other women. I confronted him and got his sob story about how he knew I was the one and it scared him, didn’t know how to take us to the next level, all that BS. So he took me to pick out a engagement ring and I forgave him. Now were two years into the relationship, I have never received the ring, I think he went and got his deposit back, and today I found him on a dating website. So I’ve been corresponding with him and I plan to set up a date sometime soon. Can’t wait to see the look on his face when we meet.

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  29. Brad  February 14, 2012

    MarniDiane…sorry to hear things are going this way but I can’t help but enjoy your approach to confronting him over it!

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    • Vhalotte  February 26, 2012

      Hi Brad,
      I met my boyfriend from Okcupid.com 5 months ago and we’re living together for almost a month now. He’s very sweet and caring to me. He often telling me that he loved, I’m the best that ever happened to him, I’m his soulmate, I’m one of the million. He even have dreams and plans for our future. On our first month of our relationship, he introduced me to his family who were took a vacation here in US (they from Ireland). But, yesterday, while I do web surfing, when I entering an online shopping site, it was accidentally popped up the dating that we met and I found out that it was still active, looking for casual sex only (before we meet, he was looking for long and/or short-term relationship). While I’m scanning his dating profile, I saw his last online visit was feb. 21, and in few minutes, I saw him his online. This was bothered me because this is clearly that he’s cheating on me. Regarding for sex, we usually have sex 3 times a week, thus, this really puzzled me. I don’t know how to open this up to him. I also found this out that his lying that he will remove his account the said dating site. By way, he’s illegal alien and he’s honestly told me about this before on our third date. He’s also honest about his past life. Brad, I need your advice. I don’t know what should I do. Thanks.

    • Brad  February 27, 2012

      Vhalotte – I wrote another article that expanded on this topic that you can see here: His Profile is Still Active – Is He Interested or Not?

      I do think you need to bring this up with him. I wouldn’t recommend starting by accusing him but he does need to explain what’s going on!

  30. Monica  February 28, 2012

    I have been dating a guy for a year and a half – met through friends. We talked about marriage – we already have kids from prior realationships. I recently found out hes on a dating website – no pic, not paying account. I know his passwords so when i checked it, i found out that he browes pictures, and emailed 4 woman. He received many emails but he cant open since hes not a paying user. Should I confront him? Is this something men do just in their spare time, browse? Is it cheating?

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  31. Emma  April 30, 2012

    This is an excellent post and exactly what many women, like myself, need to hear. Thanks!

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  32. keerasel  May 12, 2012

    I’ve been seeing someone I met on POF for about six months, and about six weeks ago, asked him why his profile was still active; was he still shopping? He said no, just hadn’t gotten around to taking it down. Mine has been hidden for months, but I discovered something interesting/potentially problematic. If you’ve added someone to your “Favorites” on POF, you can still see their profile, even if it’s hidden – I thought he was still there, but when I did a User Search on his site name, nothing came up, so he is indeed ‘off the market’. But, because I could still see him in my ‘Favorites’ list, I thought otherwise. I sent a note to POF to let them know that could cause problems! See if they fix it…

    Another thing to consider – I may be wrong, but Match.com may indicate you are ‘online now’ whether or not you have logged into the site – someone with more computer knowledge may be able to confirm that, but I think that if you just checking your regular email account (logged into a computer somewhere), it makes it look as if you’re on the Match.com site.

    Brad, any ideas on that?

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  33. Brad  May 13, 2012

    Hey Keerasel – yeah, I’ve had a lot of conversations with readers about Match.com and it does appear that it can show you active just by opening emails from them. However, this only happens if the profile is visible (which often is the real problem). Opening an email wouldn’t change a profile from invisible to visible.

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    • keerasel  May 17, 2012

      I contacted POF about the profile still showing up in ‘Favorites’ after it was hidden, and their answer completely missed the point, so I sent another email back – but no answer yet.

      Thanks for the clarification about Match. Internet dating certainly does complicate life…. but, I did manage to avoid a lot of heartache thanks to FB (and a computer illiterate user). He told me his ‘old girlfriend’ contacted him and he wanted to ‘give it another try’. The REAL story ~ he had jumped into a relationship with me, way too fast, and instead of being honest, he made up this story. What I saw on his FB page “Jo…….. has tried singlesnet.com” or some dating site. Saved me all that misery…… a good thing!

  34. jay  May 31, 2012

    I have been dating the same girl for almost 7 months now and her excuse for being online was originally that she wanted to try and get her 6 month guarantee money from Match. She told me this when were at the 4 month mark of dating. We are both in our 40s so game playing time should have been up long ago.
    I have found her to be online twice since the 6months were up and now she says” they keep sending me emails” well, duh if your profile is still up what do you expect? She acted offended that I would confront her about it and said she would take it down.
    Brads May 13,2012 comments are very pertinent to my situation. I really don’t see going forward with her as many other inconsiderate behaviors are present.
    Bottom line is this type of thing goes both ways. WOMEN PLAY GAMES TOO!!!

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  35. Annie  June 11, 2012

    Hi Jay
    I agree Women Play Games Too….but we are not seeing a lot of comments from you GUYS on this space.
    Please Guys write Your Experience on here too, so at least we genuine women will have faith again..that there are serious guys out there too…..
    Good luck on the dating scene…as you can see there are genuine women there…just be more careful to get to know a person fully and be ‘friends’ for a time, before investing intimately!!

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  36. Bperk  August 5, 2012

    Well I definitely know that this happens to guys too because it is currently happening to me right now. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 2 months now and I know for a fact that his dating profile is still active on the site me met on. About a month into our relationship I was doing a little bit of snooping because he still hadn’t changed his profile to single and I found that he had commented “yum” on another guys picture. It told me the time that comment was made and it turns out that he made that comment weeks after we had started dating. So I confronted him about it and he got upset that I had been snooping. He said that the only reason he posted that was because the other guy said something nice about one of his pictures. So after a evening of arguing over the phone I ended up being the one who was apologizing for trying to undermine our relationship with distrust. So I told him I would delete my account so that this whole nightmare would be over…..do you think he had the courtesy to delete his too…..nope here we are another month later and it still says single and he still logs onto it daily (i can see it without having an account). I feel so confused right now and soooooo sick to think what he could be doing all of the time. We communicate with each other daily over the phone, video chatting, texting…..because we are in a long-distance relationship. I’ve told him that I don’t want to be with anybody else but him and I mean that and he has said the same…yet his actions show otherwise. He always tells me how much he loves me and our relationship is going so well….this hurts so bad and I am so afraid to lose him…..but it seems like addressing this issue is the only way to know for sure. I just wish people would think about how much this kind of stuff really hurts the ones they claim to love so much :(

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  37. CanD  September 24, 2012

    Kick these morons – women OR men to the curb. The answer is obvious. He is looking for better options. Serial daters. Self entitled half grown men who have a failure to be honest and commit to the “truth” they are feeding you.

    READ about this online. GOOGLE narcissistic online daters. These men and women have red flags a flying. If YOU feel their behavior is inherently questionable, trust your instinct. This is a serious and very real problem that gets poo pooed by those who tout “oh its probably your imagination.” I can tell you after dating a psycho chiro on and off from match for a yr – this behavior NEVER changed and the excuses ran from the OOOPS my bad to oh I have not made your request a priority and I have NO DEFENSE.

    TRUST your instincts.

    This was supposedly his FIRST online dating venture. BS he has been on every site out there which is fine but to LIE about it along with age and criminal history – lets say I am still paying for who he pretended to be and who he actually IS.

    He leaves behind a path of ex gfs and a wife who know they should have trusted what should be obvious: bad behavior is BAD behavior and no smooth talking over and over will change the inherent insanity of his always looking for the golden fleece women.

    DO NOT end up giving them the benefit of the doubt – you will lose your self esteem, question the golden rules you knew in kindergarten and everything that should be upright is upside down.

    I have been through HELL with this man who is addicted to attention whoring by ANYONE. He treated me like CRAP, lied about his age and his intent.

    DO NOT listen to what they say – the dichotomy is in their ACTIONS which is what people should be paying attention to. Not the words.

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  38. Veronica  October 27, 2012

    Ug =(
    It’s very disheartening to read all of these…I found out my boyfriend of 5 years had dating profiles. I found this out because I snooped. I’m not gonna lie. Suspicious activity had to be followed up on. Anyways, I made a fake profile. send a flirt-mail. Got one back. That’s basically all I need to know I guess. Sorry to anyone else going through this. My heart goes out to you. My email is wells_veronica at hotmail if you would like to pen pal. I could use a friend right now too.

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  39. Alana  May 29, 2013

    Girls, here’s my advice: dump the losers.
    I met my husband ( married 10 years this summer) on match.com. Within a month we were gf + bf. I had to only tell him once :” hey i see your profile is still up, i took mine down. What are we doing here?” . ” oops i forgot about it” he replied and deleted it ( yes i checked). Three months in we were engajed, married within a year of meeting and going strong.
    My point is if a man is done playing and committed to you, there’s no bs online looking for ” friends”, flirts or whatever. Those are all EXCUSES. You deserve better. When a man loves and respects you you know it. Clear the path so a real man can enter your life. You owe it to yourself…and deserve to be happy without constantly having to wonder. No drama. Good luck.

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  40. PJ  September 11, 2013

    Brad, thank you so much for this article and to all who commented. I discovered the man I met and have dated exclusively almost 3 months ago on match.com to have his profile back up about 2 weeks ago. When I asked him about it, I received all the unoriginal excuses written about here. However, I accepted them since at the time it sounded honest and he was adamant there was only me. I also chose to forgive and move forward. His profile disappeared within 20 minutes of our discussion. Fast forward to this past weekend. After a romantic staycation, something just didn’t feel right. I ended up finding a very active profile on okcupid. His match profile went active shortly thereafter. I set up a fake profile on okcupid (where he is looking for everything including casual sex) which he has now expressed his interest in. There is no doubt that I am finished with him. What I don’t understand is the compulsion to lie to me and continue looking. We had explicit conversations about exclusivity and expectations. We agreed if someone wanted to pursue others they should. Just be sure to be honest and cut the other person loose. I know I will never receive a satisfactory answer from him.

    For the record, within the first 3 dates he told me he took his match profile down, how he was finished with online dating, what terrible luck he had, and how he expected to be stood up by me on the first date. We are both professionals in our late 30s and he has 2 teenage children. I never in a million years expected to be bamboozled like this. I feel like the ultimate sucker.

    I thought I had all the right conversations to protect myself. Yes, I’m lucky to find out this early in the relationship but this still hurts.

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  41. Krista  January 25, 2014

    I’m not sure if this is still active but I’m having an issue with this and desperately need advice. I have been in a relationship off and on for the last year and a half. In the beginning, I wasn’t really sure if he was really interested and I saw other people occasionally if I wasn’t feeling like he wanted to be me. I made the mistake of hiding it from him and he found out. Last July he admitted to me that he has been monitoring my emails, Facebook, text messages, everything for over a year. He read private conversations between me and my friends and family and got angry that I was talking to other people about our relationship. After this, I cut off all communication with everyone electronically and focused on him. Well fast forward to Christmas 2013. He dumped me on Christmas Day. Please note, I am a single mother and he has gotten very close with my daughter. He basically cut communication with me almost completely. Well, on New Year’s Day we ended up reconciling. During the week we were broke up I had booked flights to Chicago so my daughter could see her dad. Well after we got back together, I asked him to come with. He declined. He told me go see your friends, have a good time, make the most of it. I told him that all my friends in Chicago are guys and I don’t think it’s appropriate. He says, “I don’t mind” so I go to Chicago, met up with an ex for drinks, nothing inappropriate happened and the next day I told him about it and said I didn’t feel right doing it. also saw another male friend and his fiancé. I also told him that I had posted ads on craigslist looking for a male or female to go out with. He said NOTHING at the time. I met up with one guy for brunch one day, that was it. Meanwhile, I had figured out his password to the dating website he’s on and saw he was online actively sending messages to women, giving out his phone number, etc. I call him and he tells me he has plans to hang out with a female friend. Which he did. We got into an argument the next day because I went out for drinks with these friends of mine. So now, he is seeing other women because I did it in Chicago. I told him, yes I did but it didn’t feel right and I won’t do it again, also that I can’t handle the idea of him seeing other women. I told him I am ready for us to be fully committed to each other after a year and half of neither one of us being perfect that I’m ready and that I don’t want to see other guys even as friends and I don’t want him to see other women as friends. I also asked him to take down his Afro romance profile and admitted to him I have his password. He won’t take his profile down and won’t agree to stop seeing other women. I told him although it’s not wrong for him to have female friends, it makes me uncomfortable and will hurt me if he does. He doesn’t care and is doing it anyway. I have been a basket case all weekend and have asked him to come see me and he refuses. I told him I really need him right now and he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know what to do. Please help. I love him and my daughter loves him. I’m ready for us to be together with no outside influences and I don’t know what to do.

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    • Brad  February 8, 2014

      Hi Krista – I’ll send you an email on this but honestly a lot of what’s going on here doesn’t sound healthy to me. He was monitoring your email for a year? And you’re okay with that? I’m also confused on craigslist…were you telling him you did this after you reconciled just to get it on the table or were you doing this when you went to Chicago? His refusal to stop meeting other women is very concerning if you’re hoping to have a committed relationship. It sounds like you’re putting up with a lot of things other women wouldn’t…but maybe I’m misunderstanding something here?

  42. Mari  August 27, 2014

    Could we create a women’s code for the 21st Century dating. Nearly every man I dated has behaved similarly. My friends check and watch for each other. I am amazed that men are so dumb to think we are not paying attention to this. However, we need to create a sisterhood of dating codes…

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  43. Helen  September 29, 2014

    Oh my God, why is this even a question for discussion.

    DUMP HIM!

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