Online Dating Blog

In my last post, I talked briefly about background checks as well as the Safer Online Dating Alliance (SODA). As I mentioned there, I feel that the rules SODA lays out for safer dating are excellent. However, I would like to take a few moments to discuss just a few of the rules in an effort to encourage everyone to be open to the new advice without following it blindly.

8. Spend time getting to know someone online before talking on the phone or meeting offline.
This is one rule that I have trouble agreeing with. It’s probably easier for me to feel this way since men generally have less to worry about with internet dating. Regardless, here’s my main issue with the rule: after a few bad dates (not dangerous, just not good), I realized that who I thought I was meeting was frequently much different from who I actually met on our first date. For example, based on emails or phone conversations, I thought I would really hit it off with a woman on our first date. When the date finally came (sometimes after a month of emails), it wouldn’t take more than a few minutes to realize my impressions had been wrong. A month of emails when two minutes of in-person conversation revealed there was no chemistry? No thanks.

I am a proponent of meeting sooner rather than later to increase your chances of actually meeting that special someone. Also, I recommend skipping the phone calls all together. Make your own decision on this rule but I feel that if you follow the other SODA rules but meet your dates relatively soon, you will not be introducing much risk. I talk more on why I avoided using the phone and why I feel delaying meeting in person does little good in my Online Dating Guide.

11b. Bring a friend to protect you in case the date goes badly.
and
15. Verify your date’s name and description using their driver’s license.
Once, I had a woman bring a friend with her on our first date. I was really annoyed at this. In retrospect, she may have just been playing it safe but I only felt that she was wasting my time (and I never contacted her again). I never had anyone “card” me but I don’t think that would have gone over very well either.

I think it is important to keep in mind that you are not meeting people just so you can practice being safe; you are also looking for someone you would like to have a relationship with. I think following these two rules strictly would keep you very safe but also very alone. That said, I think there is a happy middle ground:

• If you want to bring a friend, don’t include them as a part of the date. For example, meet your date at a coffee shop and have your friend there as another patron a few tables away. You could set up signals or even arrange to meet in the restroom but for the health of your dating relationships please try to be subtle about it!
• If you really want to see someone’s driver license don’t card them like some neighborhood bouncer. Try to have fun with conversation in an attempt to have them reveal theirs. Talk about how bad/good your photo is and show your license. Then ask if you could see theirs. Personally, I don’t think this is worth effort but if you are committed to treating your date like some investigation on CSI, try to avoid being abrasive or rude.

Let me be clear: I am not saying any of the rules from the SODA site are bad. I am just saying that you need to intelligently apply the rules to your dating life. There was a time in my life where I did not see being “alone but safe” as a better option than “dating with some introduced risk”. I didn’t ignore the dating advice I had read but I also didn’t follow anyrules so strictly that they would have lessened my chances for success.