Online Dating Blog

This is the second part of my discussion regarding online dating advice. You can find more of my thoughts behind this in the first post, on why some dating advice can be more harmful than helpful.

1. Easy Answers
In many cases there is no easy answer. The people who are selling easy answers often believe the answers are easy…even though they’re not. Their personal experience of having an easy time with a problem gives them a very wrong impression of how others will experience the same issues. If the answers to relationship issues were so easy, there would only be one book out there and we would all own it. Things to watch out for: solutions that sound too simple to be true or excessive use of words such as “seduction” and “secrets”.

2. Everyone Gets Some Things Wrong
Even great advice givers sometimes give pretty bad advice. Just because you’re reading advice from the most popular or the most trusted person on the subject doesn’t mean they’re automatically correct. Each piece of advice you find should be judged on its own merit.

3. People Are More Complex Than Simple Answers
There are a lot of people who are very willing to suggest there is only a single answer for a given situation. I promise you this is not the case. People are not math problems with a right or wrong answers. Even advice that is correct 99% of the time is not a universal truth and I know most advice falls well short of this mark.

4. Those Who Give Advice For A Living
Be cautious of people who make their living giving dating advice. On one hand, these people will often have the very best advice (otherwise they wouldn’t be paid to give it). However, these people also must come off as amazingly confident (even if they’re not) and are paid to give an answer in the fewest words possible (even if more words would be better). They often give advice just to have another post or because they need some publicity. Their primary motivation can cease to be their audience and instead becomes the business of giving advice. Can you still find good advice here? Some of the best. Still, it pays to keep all the factors in mind as many times we’re inclined to follow these people blindly.

5. Your Situation Matters
When advice doesn’t work for your situation don’t assume something is wrong with you. Good advice for one person can be very bad advice for another.

6. Online Advice Will Frequently Be Too Generic
Unless you are receiving advice from someone who knows you personally, most advice is naturally going to fall short. Many times people forget this. I would encourage everyone to take all advice, including mine, with a grain of salt. Even if I were the most successful dating advice provider ever, it still doesn’t mean I know who you are or the specifics of your situation. Because advice providers don’t know your personal situation, much of the advice provided will be generic. Just because we can’t take your specific situation into account doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

7. Charisma Is Not The Same Thing As Correct
The confidence with which a giver of advice communicates should not be a direct measure of how good that advice is. There are some very charismatic people out there who are convincing large numbers of people that something is wrong with them just because they are able to speak or write well.

8. Strategies, Not Answers
It is my opinion that truly valuable advice offers strategies not answers. To me, a strategy on ways to better handle rejection over time is far more valuable than telling people they’re wrong for experiencing an emotion and then explaining that this, in itself, is the “answer”.

9. Advice Should Shape, Not Define
Don’t let other people’s opinion’s rule your decisions. Advice should help shape your decisions not define them. At the end of the day you must decide for yourself what the best choices will be. The truth of life is that in the advice giving business, none of us know as much as we want to appear to (including this guy). Marriage counselors get divorced, psychologists take anti-depressants, doctors misdiagnose patients, and dating advice providers find themselves the cause of many bad dates. Sometimes we put too much faith in others and not enough in ourselves.

10. Because Nine Isn’t Enough
Be wary of advice offered in lists of 10. Sometimes people might only be able think of 9 tips but feel that ending with 9 is stupid so will add a worthless one on at the end. I wouldn’t know anything about that sort of thing, by the way.

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I believe there is wisdom in seeking advice from others who have had experience. However, I’ve talked to many people who have felt hopeless by the advice they’ve been given because they didn’t fit the mold presented to them. No one knows your exact situation – never forget this. I had amazing success as a shy guy when all the books and sites said I would only find my wife if I became confident. Thank God they were wrong and thank God I (eventually) realized it!

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