Online Dating Blog

In my last article, I spoke about recognizing some signs for when you’ve met someone you should commit to date exclusively. I was reviewing some of the thoughts I’ve had and advice I’ve given on the topic and I noticed a pattern. In this article I wanted to talk about finding a healthy relationship…not just a relationship.

Photo by iboy_daniel

Trying to Make the Current “Fine” Thing into Something More

As I was writing my last article, I noticed something about many of my readers who were writing in with the question “When do you know that you’ve met the ‘one’?” For the majority of these contacts I was seeing two things:

• The reader mentioned being new to online dating
• They often made it clear that they were contacting me immediately after their first date with someone, often one of the first dates they’ve had using online dating.

Now I can’t say for certain but I can’t help but feel that occasionally some people were so happy to have anyone who was interested in them they were making things far more “special” than was truly the case. This is an extreme that everyone needs to be careful of avoiding but especially those new to dating online or those who haven’t had a relationship in an extended time.

But how do you recognize when you’re trying to make something “fine” into something “special”. I lay out some ideas in my previous article but I would also argue dating experience goes a long way:

The More You Date, the Easier It Gets
In my dating guide, I encourage my readers to date online actively and aggressively. This is mostly to help them gain comfort with online dating and to also expose them to the maximum number of opportunities for success. However, another benefit of this kind of dating is you gain a better ability to see how well you’re getting along with someone.

I know it seems like you should always be able to tell how well you’re getting along but in my experience this is not the case. The more women I dated, the more easily I saw when I date was going really well (or not). In the beginning, I assumed everyone was nervous and, since they were all pseudo blind dates, there would always be some level of discomfort. This, I realized as I dated, was very wrong.

Yes, there is almost always nervousness but when you meet someone special something happens within a few minutes of meeting: you forget all those bad feelings. Time moves by so quickly and your concentration is totally on each other. What I once thought was a “special” date didn’t stand up at all to the first date I had with my wife…there was no comparison! But there was no way for me to realize this in the beginning.

A Healthy Relationship, Not Just a Relationship
Often people say that someone “settled” for the person they are dating but this isn’t quite correct in the situation I’ve described above. In this case, it’s not so much “settling” as it is “forcing”. We want to have a relationship so badly that we’re going to make anything that comes close to resembling a good possibility into the best thing that could ever happen to us.

So keep in mind you’re not just looking for a relationship, you’re looking for a healthy relationship. I speak from experience. I tried making things work in an early relationship even though I knew, deep-down, that if I was successful I was going to be in a miserable relationship. I was blessed to end up out of that relationship (although I didn’t feel so at the time). Don’t make the mistake I did of trying to make something work, at any cost, just so I could be in a relationship.

Photo by Justin Lowry

Exercise Caution, Especially Early On

So please be cautious if you are new to online dating or desperate to find a relationship and are convinced one of your early first dates is “perfect”. I love the idea that some people are able to find that special someone very quickly with online dating but I would ask that you recognize that caution is worth exercising early on. You might be very successful forcing the relationship to work but over the years it could be a very regrettable success.

I still think you should be excited when you find someone you connect with but don’t be too quick to make something out of nothing. Keep an open mind. If you go on your first date and think the person is “perfect” maybe go on another first date before you officially decide. If your second date is “perfect” as well, maybe you need to slow things down and really consider what you’re looking for.

My dad always told me “Having a woman attracted to you is one of the most attractive traits she could have”. It’s true: if we’re lonely and someone shows interest we can instantly turn from uninterested to wanting to spend every minute with them. A healthy relationship needs to be built on more than just feeling good in the current moment and it needs to be more than just how interested the other person is in you.