Online Dating Blog

I was recently talking to a woman who decided to end an online relationship after the first date because her date had complained for much of the dinner. This got me thinking about complaining in general and how as people we are so drawn to doing so. Even when this woman came to me to discuss this bad date, she was doing so to…well…complain!

Because as people we complain so often, I don’t see the activity in itself as a bad thing. It can even be a good thing as it provides us with the opportunity to vent and bond with our friends on the issues that bother us. I’ve not found any statistics on complaining but I did find some on gossiping, which is a close cousin to complaining. The Social Issues Research Centre found that men and woman use gossip between 55 and 67 percent of the time when having conversations. I feel like large amount of gossip overlaps closely with complaining and based on statistics like this you can see why we’re so comfortable with this type of conversation.

However, there is a time where complaining should not make up the majority of your thoughts (or any of the thoughts at all). Job interviews are a great example where complaining early and often is a horrible idea. First or second dates are also not the place to get too comfortable with complaining. More correctly, complaining is a bad idea whenever meeting someone new although it’s worse on a first date. Remember, online dating is a series of first impressions: the first email, your profile, the first date. A bad first impression in any of these areas will often mean the end of the relationship.

My recommendation is to be conscious of your conversations. As I discuss in my Online Dating Guide, I think it is best to have a rough plan for what you’ll talk about on a first date. I hope most people who follow this advice don’t add things like “How much I hate my job” or “How my mom totally screwed me up” to this list! I get the feeling most people don’t plan or have a desire to complain. Complaining is like talking about the weather: we fall back to it when we have nothing better to say.

With this in mind, I feel that the best way to avoid complaining is to be ready for what you will talk about. When we’re on a first date, anything at all feels better than absolute silence and this is where complaining often shows its face. If you’ve planned for the date, you should be ready to talk about what’s important to you and to discover more about your date. If you ever find yourself thinking “What do I say now? What do I say now?”, don’t assume complaining is the solution. This is a sign that on the next date you should be more prepared.

Photo by emrank

All of this said, there are times where complaining is fine and I think it’s fairly easy to recognize when this is the case. When I was on first dates, I would often ask “So how has online dating been going for you?” This question would often lead to some mild complaining to which I would add complaints of my own and before you knew it we were both laughing and having a good time discussing our past of bad dates. The same could be the case where you and your date worked for the same company or went to the same school. I feel that complaining is acceptable when it brings you and your date closer. If you can both relate, if you both are adding to the conversation, and if you’re complaining in the spirit of comradery, it can actually make for great conversation. If you find that you’re complaining on a date and you’re the only one who has been talking…that’s a very bad sign. You’ll only drive your date further away from you.

In general, I say be prepared so you don’t have to use complaining to fill the silence. There are times where complaining together can make for a fun date but never assume this will be the case.