When Your First Dates Consistently Fail for One Reason

Posted by:

A reader recently wrote me with a very unique situation that was leading to multiple unsuccessful first dates.

In many cases, failed first dates can be a mystery: did she not like my personality? Was he not attracted to me? On the other hand, sometimes we know exactly why we are seeing failed dates…we just don’t know how to respond to them.

In this case, my reader knew exactly why he was struggling on the first dates but wasn’t sure how to correct the situation. Here’s part of his email:

I have really enjoyed reading your site and online dating guide. Based on your information, I am making some serious changes to my online dating approach. But I do have a question that I have not seen addressed in any of the literature I have read and I am hoping you may have some insight or suggestion.

About two years ago I stumbled upon a group of modern-day monks called the Ishayas and learned a prayer / meditation teaching called the Ishayas’ Ascension. I fell in love with the teaching and now share it all over the United States. I also joined the Ishaya Order and as part of my vows, I wear a wedding ring. I assure you that I am not married, not engaged, nor have I ever been either.

However, as I am sure you can imagine this comes up quite often when I meet women. I have not found a graceful approach to handling it yet, except for telling the truth which often ends up in a long conversation that can range from religion, belief, spiritual enlightenment, philosophy, etc. All pretty heavy subjects for a first date and almost always with me doing most of the talking.

The responses so far have ranaged from being flat-out called a liar to ending up as more of a teacher than a potential love interest. Any thoughts?

Specific Example, General Approach

I realize that many readers may read this person’s experience and say, “Well I’m not a monk so this advice won’t help me”.

Not so! I realize that this is a very specific example but the response to dates failing for one specific reason has a general approach. Sure, your situation will differ: your failed dates might instead be caused by revealing information about your job, your relationship history, or any number of items. That being the case, the advice remains the same so keep reading!

Addressing Failing First Dates

Responding to Multiple Dates that Fail for One Reason

Normally when a first date is failing for one reason, it’s because a particular piece of information can work against you if it is not revealed early enough. In this case, the reader had a few things working against him:

  • First, it’s not unheard of for married men to date online so the ring is going to send (legitimate) red flags
  • If they’re finding out about the ring or his beliefs on the first date (or right before the date), it can be overwhelming or at least surprising enough to throw them off for the rest of the date.

You might have different reasons for failed first dates but I think in most cases you could break your own situation down to a similar list. For example, if you were using a photo in your profile that was 10-years old your personal reasons for first date failure could include:

  • People are suspicious of those they meet online because there is an opinion that everyone dating online is a liar.
  • Even though you may not have lied with words, using a 10-year old picture make every person you meet feel like you’ve lied to them. This will actually be the first impression they have of you.
  • Who wants to begin a relationship that starts with a lie?

This isn’t a perfect comparison to my reader’s case (he wasn’t lying at all and old photos are visual lies) but I hope it points out that the situations that fall into this situation are many.

open honesty and first dates

Correcting the Issue with Honesty and Openness

The problem with this reader’s failing dates is that his first dates weren’t prepared for some of the information they were given. Also, he was likely meeting some women who wouldn’t have gone on a first date with him had they know his background (whether that’s right or wrong, it happens).

So he has some women who are thrown off by the information and others who feel like they were tricked or that they are wasting their time.

How should he respond to this situation? Here was my response to him:

I would hope that this can be addressed by being a bit more aggressive in revealing this information about yourself before you meet. Your profile should definitely include information on being a member of the Ishayas and I think you should briefly describe it (just as you did with me). You should show a passion for this that makes it clear to women that this isn’t just some passing hobby for you. I wouldn’t include information on wearing a ring in your profile but you need to paint a picture of who you are and obviously this helps make up the core of what that is.

Then as you find yourself planning a first date with the women, I think you should at this point explain that you wear a ring and what it represents to you/why you wear it. I also think it’s good to be up-front with the women and say that sometimes you find first dates dwelling too much on the Ishaya Order and during the first few dates it would be your preference to get to know one another as opposed to obsessing on that one topic. Not that you’d be unwilling to speak about it but we do want you to be able to get away from the “teacher” mode.

Again, this is a specific example with a general approach. Using the 10-year-old photo example from above, the obvious approach to that case would be to update the photo. To put it simply, we want to address whatever missing or incorrect information is causing our first dates to fail.

The Price (and Benefit) of Open Honesty

The responses to my reader following this advice will likely look like this:

  1. Less responses to email contact because some women are intimidated or uncomfortable with the information in his profile
  2. Some women who back out of a first date because they have trouble understanding the ring (I suspect a much smaller issue than #1)
  3. Much better first dates with the women that do make it past #1 and #2.

And again, for the out-of-date profile photo example, using an updated photo could also end up causing less first dates…but again the first dates you do have should be better! We want to identify whatever is throwing our first dates off and address those issues as early in the dating process as possible.

No One Wants to Waste Their Time…Including You!

I would actually anticipate that this could give my reader some great first dates in comparison to his current situation…but I also think following this will require more work and patience for success. Being open and clear early on will prevent women from feeling lied to or prevent the fear they’re being deceived. On the other-hand, it could even spark real interest in other women who previously may have not been interested in his profile!

When presented with this type of situation, there are two paths we can go down:

  • The first path is to wait to reveal some (potentially damaging) information and then hope you can win them over on the first date. This often will end with weeks of wasted time and a failed first date.
  • The second path is to be open so the important information is revealed at the earliest reasonable time to do so. Be willing to be rejected early on for the issues you believe the most in. This could result in more failures earlier (particularly less responses to email) but will save you all the time and hassle of getting to the first date.

Finally, if you are in a similar situation, I think you’ll find people will appreciate your desire to be open and up-front about whatever it is in your life that makes you unique. The stigma that online dating is full of liars will likely always exist…but going out of your way to be honest will prove you don’t fit that stereotype.

 

0

About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.