Online Dating Blog

Today I’m going to review the book Single Effort which aims to offer advice on “how to live smarter, date better, and be awesomely happy”. This is written by Joe Keller and he offers advice and thoughts based on his journey from divorce back to a successful single life.

Overall, I have to say I really enjoyed this book. I expected a book that would argue why you should find happiness in being single and not necessarily worry about dating (which I wasn’t sure that I would like). What I found instead was a very helpful guide that walks a man who’s exiting a serious relationship through the steps of finding his way back to a place where he can be happier.

As someone who gives dating advice, I’ll say I didn’t agree with every approach that Joe recommended. At the same time, none of his advice was bad or off the wall…just different from my own experience. And any minor objections I might have are far outweighed by the vast amount of great advice he provides.

Plus, Joe’s genuine desire to find happiness while still being a “good” guy was great. This was really key to me: so much of the advice out there for men seems to concentrate on “get whatever you want at any cost”. It’s the get-rich approach of dating and I’m afraid it makes for a lot of “bad” guys out there. So it’s great to see someone aiming to help men appreciate being a “Good Knight” as Joe puts it.

So what will you find in Single Effort? There was a lot I liked in this book so instead of talking generally about it, I’ve decided to break it down by the chapters to spend some time talking about what I found most interesting.

Introduction

An introduction of a book is often something we might be inclined to skip but if you pick up Single Effort, I’d discourage you from doing so. I felt that Joe laid a solid groundwork for the rest of the book here and I think it’s key to understanding his approach later.

In particularl, what the “single effort” represents and the concept of chivalry and being a “Good Knight” are both the foundation of the advice he gives. Perhaps I’m just a fan of the introduction because it’s such a change from a lot of the other advice I’ve seen – I loved seeing someone argue that we should treat people in a kind way for the sake of treating people in a kind way. Sure, he argues that you’ll see benefits from doing so, but he never suggests you do the right thing strictly for your own benefit.

Navigating Your Divorce

This won’t be valuable for everyone and having not experienced a divorce I can’t speak too much to the advice. That being said, it seemed like solid recommendations were offered and some suggested approaches that men may not be aware of as they are going through a divorce (I was unaware there were options in addition to lawyers for a divorce, for example).

After the Breakup

This chapter serves to encourage guys who have just gone through a painful breakup to take their time. Joe offers advice on the benefits of really knowing who you are, defining happiness for yourself, avoiding rebound relationships and even suggestions like avoiding getting rid of everything from your “previous” life.

If I had to guess, I suspect that for many men this chapter will represent a lot of great wisdom offered through advice that’s hard to follow!

Outfitting Your New Living Space

I was surprised at the level of detail that was given in this chapter (and some others) in regards to a lot of specifics on what you’ll want. As in lists of “buy this and this and that”. At first when I was reading this chapter I was thinking to myself, “This is all so obvious. Why give this advice?”

However, the more I think about it, the more I like the level of detail that Joe goes into. This is a book written for men who may not be in the best state of mind. They might be depressed or just distracted and may avoid the “obvious” things (like putting a smoke detector in their new place).

Also, as a man who has come to rely a lot on his wife, I shudder to think what I would do if you dropped me into a new place to live and told me to fill it with the things I need. I’m afraid the results might border on humorous. So over time this went from a chapter I questioned to one I appreciated.

Creating a Female-Friendly Home

Be clean. Get some plants.

Okay, this section is much more than that but in some ways it comes down to the fact that living in a well-ordered and female-friendly place is going to give you far more success with some of your future goals. And there is an interesting argument for hiring help to clean and do other things which may help some men gain the perspective that just because they’re single doesn’t mean they have to do everything themselves. I think this is an important concept to cover as I suspect more than a few men how worn themselves down physically after already being worn down emotionally.

Cooking and Wine

Sooo…I’d be lying if I said these were my favorite chapters. That has more to do with personal preference and where I am in my life.

That said, I do appreciate the inclusion of these chapters (there are actually 3 chapters in the cooking and wine arena). The author sells cooking as a way to differentiate yourself from other guys once you start to date and I suppose there is truth to that. One thing that I don’t remember reading but that is a good another reason for these chapters: in some cases these will be men who have had meals cooked for them for many years. Having an intro to cooking isn’t out of place!

Meeting New Women

As you’d expect, this chapter begins the dating section of the book. I feel like this chapter spoke most to the “simple life” approach that Joe lays out in the introduction. He offers ways to meet women while living your life as opposed to fabricating situations to meet women.

While he offers a good number of places to meet women, he also offers a piece of advice that allows you to come up with your own ideas: go to where women outnumber men. This might be volunteering or dance class but the point is to put yourself in situations where there are more opportunities.

This could end up with questionable results depending on the activity, but to address this Joe also argues that you need to pick an activity you want to do and not just see this as a means to an end. Want to exercise? Great – go to an aerobics class instead of going to lift weights. Hate exercising? Better to pick a different option.

Don’t just pick something to meet women. Instead, pick something you want to do and adjust your approach so you give yourself the opportunity to meet women.

Approaching and Talking to Women

I’d say this chapter is a mix of good advice and advice that may be good but can also be hard to follow. It was the “practice talking to women” advice that I read over and over during my single days that, in part, led me to try online dating. I could never get it down.

While I question how successful it will be universally, I do appreciate that Joe takes the advice further than just “go talk to women”. He offers a strategy to keep things simple with four basic elements to have in your approach: have a nice appearance, approach with confidence, create an interesting dialog and then leave while you’re peaking.

I think the area that I struggled with and one that many of my readers clearly struggle with based on emails they send me is “approaching with confidence”. I always felt like this type of advice got things backwards since the creation of online dating. I found it much easier to build my confidence through online dating which then led to me having more confidence and approaching women in the real world. I found online dating a type of “practice” that was much more approachable when compared to discussing vegetables with a cute girl in a grocery store!

Before You Begin Dating

This chapter is all about preparing for the dates you will have. This includes building your “Good Knight” mentality so that it is habit to treat people kindly, not something you save for your first dates.

This chapter also covers areas like what you should have ready and on hand for your dates, who should pay and covers a list of Do’s and Don’ts. Honestly, I found the Do’s and Don’ts section to be the most valuable from a dating advice point-of-view. Some of the suggestions may feel obvious but having spent years speaking to singles I realize they’re not always as obvious as they seem. Even something as simple as staying upbeat and positive can be a real “date changer” and I’ve seen more than a few people confused that being mopey wasn’t attractive!

Your Two First Dates

In this chapter there is some advice that I couldn’t agree with more: keep the first date simple. Joe refers to them as a mini-first date (which leads into the big first date if successful). I spent a good portion of my dating life assuming every date has to be “nice” and a full-blown dinner or it wouldn’t be good in the woman’s eyes.

Eventually I realized that not only was this approach very expensive, it was also a both boring and risky! Dinner isn’t all that memorable and if dinner with someone you know you don’t like in the first 30 seconds is just miserable.

This chapter offers fun ideas for the “mini” date which, if successful, then leads into the “big” first date. For the mini-dates, the goal is to find something fun that isn’t more than $10. The “big” first date is then a more traditional and lengthier date.

My approach to this was similar but different: I agree with the mini fun date but at the end of that if it was clear we were both enjoying ourselves I would suggest we “extend” the date. I would reveal to the woman that after a few bad dates, I started planning short dates to protect us both, but since it was going great I’d love to extend the time we spent together. This was always met positively since I was basically telling the woman that I liked her. That said, I think the mini and big first date approach is a good one as well.

This chapter also offers advice on staying persistent. I honestly feel that this is one of the most important aspects of success in dating and I’m glad to see it here. Another thing I’m glad to see included is the idea of revisiting your goals of your dating life as in today’s world it’s not uncommon for someone to start dating by looking for a great relationship only to find themselves addicted to finding that next first date instead of finding that really great relationship.

Success with Online Dating

Overall, I feel that there is very good online dating advice starting in this chapter. Given that I wrote a 100-page guide just on online dating, it does feel a bit abbreviated to me. That said, I would consider the bulk of the advice given to be good. The core areas that this chapter assists with are creating your dating profile and successfully contacting women (and as is pointed out, signing up and waiting for women to contact you is a great way to fail at online dating!)

While I absolutely loved Joe’s advice on first emails and couldn’t agree more, I felt his advice on profile creation wasn’t as specific as I would have liked. I do appreciate that he provided a recipe for creating a profile, but the example profile he provided felt more general than I would have liked. I’m not a big fan of basic statements that aren’t backed up with examples.

So if you do pick up the book, I’d encourage you to add some very specific examples about yourself to the recipe Joe provides. For example, saying “I like to have fun” isn’t nearly as interesting in a profile as giving a specific example of how you like to have fun. Talking about your favorite place to climb rocks and how you became interested in the sport is more interesting than saying “I like to be outdoors”.

Continuing Adventures in Online Dating

This continues the advice for online dating and includes a few areas: when to share your personal information, dating multiple women at once and keeping track of who you are dating.

Again, I couldn’t agree more with Joe on the dating multiple women advice. I think he does a fair job of presenting both the “one at a time” approach and the multiple approach and I think he gives great suggestions and tips on the topic.

And one suggestion for this section too: Joe provides advice on taking care with sharing your personal information (and a rather amusing example involving an orange). I would also say not to forget that you can create a separate email specifically for your online dating life. This makes it easier to share your information quickly without the worries of an online stalker.

Final Thoughts

I was very pleased with this book. I felt like the author really cares about giving good advice that will help someone get back into the dating world after a rough breakup. His advice is practical and never loses sight that being a “good” guy is actually a good thing!

In some ways, it might be argued that there’s not a lot of “new” advice in the book, but I don’t feel like that’s where the value of this book comes from. To me, the value is the compilation of all the (vastly) different areas of advice, the walk-through guide approach and, again, the emphasis that it can all be accomplished while becoming a better man.

So, if you find yourself in the situation of having had a tough break-up or divorce and now you aren’t sure where to turn, I’d highly recommend picking up Single Effort.

One final note: I was provided a copy of the book for free so that I could review it, but was not given any incentives, gifts, ect for writing this review.