Imagine yourself sitting down at a family dinner with your new partner by your side. You are introducing your parents and companion for the first time, hoping that everyone connects graciously and warmly. I am sure you can imagine yourself sharing the story of how you and your partner met, and about the moment you knew you were meant to be together. What you likely do not foresee is the tale going something like, “I knew we had an intrinsic connection when my heart fluttered wildly as I browsed his profile and read how much he likes Chaplin films,†or, “I felt the world lighten as she complimented my perfect grammar and adorned over the poetics of my personal description.†Ah yes, love at first read.. OK, maybe it would not go quite like that. Nonetheless, the idea of a similar scene playing out in one’s life whereby friends and family eagerly await the romantic details of how you met your lover can cause aversions when the honest truth entails, “we met online.”
We have all grown up with stories of lovers meeting to live happily ever after, and a part of us may feel these repetitive cultural narratives have long been promising something to us; a unique, powerful and magical courtship. In turn, an attachment and entitlement to this magic is formed and minds become closed to other ways love may actually enter into our lives. We may even feel robbed of the mysterious and spontaneous experience of locking eyes with a stranger, a feeling a magnetic energy pulls us towards one another until we are tumbling recklessly and passionately into a memorable love affair. In short, we develop expectations, cling to preferences, and refuse everything else.
Browsing pages upon pages of profiles while laying in bed (maybe even with a bunch of toast crumbs on your chest) will fall terribly low on the “dreamy romance scale†when compared to our favourite romance films. The pitfall of this type of comparison is that the very real potential online dating offers for individuals to become connected with others becomes lost. Online dating is waved aside as a colourless experience designed for desperate folk. We, of course, may be the ones waving our hands because we believe we are high above all that. We may be happily (or longingly?) waiting for the perfect someone to do a perfect waltz into our lives. And that’s OK, because it does happen – for some.
For the majority of us, however, finding a partner takes quite a bit more active involvement. If you wish to find ways to increase your likelihood of finding a partner, online dating may be your next strategy. This is not always the easiest path to take when an aversion to online dating exists within you, however remember that to overcome an aversion, we only need to change our perspective.
Through acknowledging a “perfect†love story is a preference rather than a necessity, and by remaining receptive to our desires appearing in unexpected forms, we free ourselves from our limiting expectations and instead open to the vast potentialities that exist. Where online dating might have appeared at first unromantic, pricey or even desperate, we may reorient ourselves to acknowledge utility as its essential nature. Yes, online dating is a tool. It creates a space that allows bridges to connect individuals of similar intentions. Rather than destroying romance or replacing the potentiality of a beautiful story, online dating is a stepping stone towards them.
Let us recap how to overcome aversions to online dating:
- Recognize if you have an aversion to online dating and the form it takes. You may not want to have to tell anyone you are giving online dating a try because you are embarrassed. You may believe signing up for online dating means you cannot get a date otherwise. You may not want to pay for a website or put personal information online.
- Acknowledge your aversion as an internal discomfort being projected onto online dating. While your feelings are certainly valid, it is useful to determine the source of your aversion so as to separate it from the current form of online dating (I say ‘current’ form because our fears are never limited to one form, but are projected onto many interfaces without our even realizing it. Online dating may be only one of these forms).
- Re-frame your perception of online dating as a tool. Ultimately, this perspective is the accurate one when talking about online dating. It is a means to a means to an end. Otherwise put, it is a means to get dates, which is a means to our final goal of committed partnership, companionship, love affair, etc.
- Remember there are no expectations or implications. This one is important. If you want to give online dating a try but feel it really is not for you, then this is perfectly alright. If you don’t want to put a lot of personal information on the internet, this is fine. If you would rather meet people in person only when you choose to send the first message, if you prefer to e-mail for a short or long period of time, or decide you do not want to go though with a meeting, that is OK, too.
Online dating is a tool, it is not a necessity. It helps you connect with potentially compatible beings without promising you will meet “the one,†or that it will even work out- but it might! Truly, it is a laid back method of setting up dates and having fun with new people. Going beyond the limitations of your aversions to it will only add to your experience, not detract from it. Why not give it a try?
JUN
About the Author:
Stephanie Arnold is a writer, visual artist and composer who seeks to unveil the working structures of the human psyche. She works to share valuable insights that stem from personal experience and assist in the development of deeper levels of self-awareness, especially in regards to a sincere and healthy relationship to love and loving. The core of her philosophy is that self-love is the root of loving outwardly, and is therefore necessary to develop if one wishes to create fruitful relationships with others. Her evolving portfolio may be found at www.lovefromwithin.org.