In this article I want to help you prepare for something almost all of us experience when dating: bad dates. Specifically, I want to encourage you to view these events in a particular light and hope to offer encouragement for those who feel they are failing.
A friend of mine signed up for a dating service, worked through the profiles finding a few he liked, contacted several girls and ended up going on a date a few weeks later.
Things were looking good with the first woman during the email communication and even on their first date. For their second date, they met at a local art gallery and things went down hill fast. My friend could not get his date to say more than a few words in response to anything he said. He described how uncomfortable it was to walk through the entire gallery feeling as if he were talking to a wall. Then he said something I found interesting:
oh well, so much for that. i’m not sure if i was really boring or she was really boring or the museum was really boring, but we basically ended up saying about 50 words each the entire day.
When Things Don’t Work Out
My friend’s response reflects how many of us view our dating failures: we are often inclined to attribute any and all dating failures to ourselves.
In this case, a man had made an effort to meet a woman, selected an excellent and interesting (and safe) place to meet, discussed the art they were looking at together and when she failed to enter any conversations, he blamed (or at least questioned) himself.
My response to this is: why in the world would anyone want to date a woman who was incapable of even the smallest talk, especially when surrounded by walls full of conversation material. Whether she was just shy or disliked the gallery, to have a conversation is no heroic task. Even if she disliked the date, any intelligent person would realize that the date isn’t going to go any better by not speaking. Those with some intelligence would know that this would only drag the date out.
Don’t Assume You Were the Problem
The big problem here wasn’t the fact that my friend ended up on a bad date. That is common enough for anyone. The big problem was that he saw himself as a the reason for failure.
Many people look at dating from the exact opposite view that they should be. Bluntly stated, you cannot approach dating as if you are the salesman (selling yourself) and as such thinking if the “sale” doesn’t go through, you were the problem. Everyone should be approaching dating as if they are the customer because, in reality, when you go on a date you are looking for something you desire.
The very phrase “looking for someone” is stating that there are qualities which you are trying to find in a particular person. If people were not interested in specific qualities when looking for a mate, they would either:
- Find anyone at all, because it really could be anyone
- Hope to be found by someone looking for what they have to offer with no regard for themselves and what they would like to find in a mate.
Clearly, option 1 isn’t believable. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m looking for that special anyone”. Everyone has a list, at least mentally, of everything they are looking for in a significant other: height, weight, religion, interests, intelligence, attitude, and so on. Over time, we may change some specifics we are looking for but we are still looking for particulars.
With option 1 aside, it appears that many people are taking the approach described in option 2. This is a great way to end up in a bad relationship. Temporary happiness will occur if you accept anyone who will accept you…but when the initial “newness” wears off, most will realize they don’t even like the person they are with.
In this way, option 2 is as bad as option 1. This means that the only reasonable way to approach dating is by determining if your date is what YOU are looking for. Your date should be doing the same with you but neither party should be trying to force themselves into the mold of what the other person wants.
So, What Are YOU Looking For?
If any of the above sounds like you, you need to stop concentrating on yourself when dating. Stop thinking about dating as if you were the salesman and start looking for what you desire.
You’re there to meet someone new so concentrate on him or her. Someone who measures a successful date based on how much they believe the other person liked them is doing themselves a disservice. How much your date liked you is only half of the equation. No one signs up for a dating service thinking, “I’m going to find someone who offers nothing of what I’m looking for but, boy, are they going to like me!”. It sounds silly when stated that way but many of us approach dating like this without even realizing it.
Does any of this mean you shouldn’t care about yourself at all and go on a date looking like a slob? Of course not. It means that you should look nice but because you respect yourself, not because you want to impress someone you may not even like.
Finally, once you are to the point where you are choosing to pass on certain dates (where you are truly looking for what you want) try to accept that it is a two-way street. If you meet someone you really like who in turn does not like you, accept it as part of the process. Don’t look at it as failure. Plain and simple, you just weren’t a match.
My friend should not have even come close to blaming himself. He should have said:
She was a total bore. I’m looking for someone who can carry intelligent and fun conversations anywhere. If she couldn’t do that in the art gallery, chances are she wouldn’t have anything interesting to say anywhere we go.
This was a very important mindset for me to adopt which led to truly successful dating.
For more advice on bad dates, first dates and many, many other topics, read my online dating guide.