A few years back, I was at the bar with some friends from work. This was at a time well into my online dating experience. By this point, I was sold on internet dating and thanks to growing dating experience, I was becoming very comfortable meeting new people. On this evening, I had a very brief conversation with the girl sitting next to me and asked her out as I was leaving. Based on how breifly we had spoken, I suspected I was committing social suicide. However, since I had several dates planned for later that week, I wasn’t too concerned. To my surprise, she agreed and we went out a few days later…it was a total disaster. I found I had nothing in common with the “bar girl”. The conversations were uncomfortable and she had an unhealthy obsession with all things death.
What I discovered during the weeks after this event was that I gained an almost god-like status among my friends and co-workers. Even when I explain the painful, while short-lived, date experience to my new-found worshipers, it didn’t matter. I successfully got a number after saying six sentences to a girl who could barely hear me over the local band – success of the relationship at this point, according to most of my friends, was irrelevant. I found this a stark contrast to the mere mention of successful online dating where I was met with blank stares and uncomfortable silence.
So here’s the truth of it: you can impulsively date strangers (and discover that they are even stranger than you expected) or you can be selective with who you date. Randomly dating people, from my experience, gains you respect and status. You are out there. You are going through all the hassle and pain that everyone who came before you also endured. You are socially acceptable. And if you are dating to impress your peers, well…you should avoid online dating at all costs. If on the slim chance you are more concerned with finding a healthy relationship, the internet is a tool that should not be ignored.
I’m not going to go into all the details of why I like online dating – there will be plenty of time for that. Instead I would ask this: why would a person who is looking for a relationship not use online dating? Concerns for safety aside, every answer I’ve heard has more to do with other people (and what they think) than the actual process of online dating. People have the tendancy to pick partners the same way they look for them. That is to say, someone obsessed with “status” will pick a person they believe others like. Those honestly search for someone will pick the person they like. The question then becomes, are you trying to date someone you like or someone who will improve your “status”? If you are afraid to date people from the internet because of what others will think, it’s best to stop reading now. For everyone else: of course you should continue to meet people in more traditional fashions but why not include online dating?
Why an Online Dating Guide?
I made my dating life very public through-out the whole online experience. I found that many of the dates either required venting or were simply funny stories (for example, my first online date ever featured a conversation where my date explained how she had once worked as a call-girl). I found that the single people I would tell the stories to were far less interested in “what” happened and much more interested in the “how” it came about. That is, they understood how “regular” dating works, even if they weren’t particularly good at it. Online dating on the other hand…they didn’t know where to start or if it was even worth the time. Some people, I think, were using my stories as encouragement to start online dating – a sort of “if I’m not the only one doing it then it must be alright” mentality. Eventually, people even began to talk to me specifically for online dating advice. Not because I was a great dater (I wasn’t) but because I had gone out on enough online dates to have a valid opinion on some of the grey areas. While there is rarely a “right” answer, I could give some direction. Who contacts who? And how many emails before you meet? Or how long should the emails be? And exactly what belongs in a profile? Looking back, my original ideas to every one of these questions were incorrect when I first started online dating. That said, I’m not writing this to help people avoid every mistake but I would like to share what worked well for me. This is not intended to be some kind of “I went through this so you don’t have to”. You’re going to have to go through some of it no matter how much you read. There is a lot to be said for personal trial and error – my trials and errors can only get another person so far.
Second, every dating book I have read, and there have been several, seems over-simplified and very often written by people with Ph.D.s but who, by their own admission, haven’t been on a date for decades. Several of these books suggested that men need to have nothing more than confidence and charisma for success. If things were as simple as these books make it sound the need for these books shouldn’t even exist. For a moment, though, assume that these books are correct and all it takes to have tons of great dates is to be confident and charismatic. Now, try to apply this to online dating. Unfortunately, confidence in the wrong amount with online dating is going to come off as creepy. And how in the world is an email to include charisma? Sure, these books have a tons of value once you’re actually on the date but getting there is half of the work. Even the books that did mention online dating treat it as if it is exactly the same as meeting someone from anywhere else: just keep trying (and trying and trying) and when you are finally successful and actually go on a date, well, then apply all these rules the book gives you. Let me be clear: dating books have a lot of value. I just feel that the one paragraph many of these books offer regarding an online dating leaves a lot to be deisred. In other words I am hoping to supplement the dating books out there, not replace them.