4 Tips For Cultivating Real Intimacy

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Online dating is a fast lane towards human connection, but this doesn’t necessarily mean it is a quick stop to real intimacy. When we clearly state our needs and intentions with an online profile, we are more likely to attract people who’s needs and desires align with our own. This increases our likelihood of lasting connection, however it remains our responsibility to build a real and quality connection. The good news is that this doesn’t have to be a long process. Time deepens intimacy, but I have learned a few intimacy hacks to start bringing you and your date closer together on a genuine heart level.

Open & Honest Communication

It is an universal need to be seen and accepted for who we are. Set yourself up to be truly seen by beginning your relationship on an honest tone with open communication.

This begins as early as your profile. Be sure to communicate clearly what you are truly looking for: long term relationship? No strings attached? Monogamy?

When you meet someone you like, your first date should continue to reflect yourself honestly. It is common to put on a persona in order to appear more attractive to somebody, especially if we project and pretend to know what they want of us. Skip the games and set an intention together for honesty and clarity.


This goes hand in hand with open and honest communication. We are only able to communicate ourselves honestly when we give empathy towards ourselves, feeling our truths and therefore translating our needs and feelings to words. When we learn how to give empathy to ourselves, we can offer empathy to others. In their speech, we can listen more deeply to hear the underlying expression being made, which is often about a need being or not being met. When people feel there are received empathically, connection instantly develops because they feel seen.

Eye Gazing

I love eye gazing. I have been to a few intimacy building workshops and eye gazing practices have always been my favourite. Invite your date to make eye contact with you. To encourage comfort, you can set the boundary of eye gazing for 3 minutes, to ease the pressure of “when am I supposed to look away?”. While eye gazing, you can sit quietly and experience the flood of feelings in your own body as you observe and are observed. To take it a step further, you can begin to talk to each other. While eye gazing, you can state your intentions for the connection, such as, “I value honesty and it is my intention to get to know you for who you truly are, and to show you my authenticity.”

Some workshops I have attended included enjoyable games suited for those interested in pushing their boundaries. For example, while eye gazing, your date asks you, “How are you feeling?” You offer a response. Then, your date asks you again, “How are you feeling?” And you offer another response. Like this, your date continues to ask you how you are feeling and your responses reveal a series of present emotions both at the surface and under the surface. Then, you can change roles.

Remember to Breathe

Yes, really. Get into the habit of checking in with yourself about your breathing. You might be surprised about how often you discover you’re holding your breath or taking shallow breaths. Whether feeling nervous, excited, or even bored, controlling your breathing is a key to influencing your nervous system to remain relaxed and balanced. This impacts the way you speak, hold your body, and supports presence in your connection. Believe it or not, all of these positive results actually make you more attractive because you will be giving off a calm and self-controlled vibe. Never underestimate the power of even breathing!

You have all of the power you need to develop intimacy! If one person is closed to connection, remember this reflects nothing about you, rather their own readiness and openness. As long as you remain centred in your heart and available to see and be seen, real human connection is bound to enter your life.



About the Author:

Stephanie Arnold is a writer, visual artist and composer who seeks to unveil the working structures of the human psyche. She works to share valuable insights that stem from personal experience and assist in the development of deeper levels of self-awareness, especially in regards to a sincere and healthy relationship to love and loving. The core of her philosophy is that self-love is the root of loving outwardly, and is therefore necessary to develop if one wishes to create fruitful relationships with others. Her evolving portfolio may be found at www.lovefromwithin.org.

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