The unfortunate truth is there are hundreds, if not thousands, of initial messages that go unanswered on a daily basis on online dating sites (spread to all users and not just to my account, of course…wouldn’t that make my odds great, though?!) Many things get in the way – timing, disinterest, forgetfulness – and you can’t help that. What you can help, however, is sending a message that your interest won’t know how to respond to… the nothing-but-hello.
When I get messages that my inbox shows won’t be longer than just “hi” or “hello,” the honest truth is that I don’t even open them. At this very moment, I have 62 unread messages in my inbox (collecting over several months) that I have not bothered to click through to because I was able to read the entire message upfront. I could appreciate how a person might think, “Here is a simple, straightforward way to meet without making up pickup lines or knowing if she will want to talk to me.” However, this is not like meeting at a grocery store or a bar, and walking up just to say hello doesn’t work nearly as well over the internet.
Here is the problem. I can already foresee our next 4 messages:
Me: Hey.
You: How are you? I’m John.
Me: Hey John, I’m Rebecca.
You: Hey Rebecca, nice to meet you. So, I see you like soccer. (Or “how are you today” or some other random bit from my profile.)
If you are interested enough to send that first message…
If you are interested enough in a person to send them that first message, tell them so and get them to realize the potential connection the two of you may have. When I get a “hello” message, it implies to me that I will either be sending a “hello” back, or I have to be the one to create a conversation starter. But if you opened the message board, I want that opener to come from your end! Show me you’ve read my profile and tell me why you wanted to reach out. If the conversation is going to lead to the fact that you like soccer, as well, then tell me that up front and lure me in to a conversation about the World Cup in Rio this year.
Other icebreakers that tend to work include questions (almost any question at all, since I have something to answer and a direction to take my reply in.) Asking open-ended questions is much better than anything that can be replied to with a yes or no response. Also, asking, “How are you doing today?” may get you a “Good. You?” in response, which is not much better than just a “hello.”
Flattery and compliments, while endearing, walk a very fine line (which just may be a follow up topic to come soon!) Everybody likes to hear that they look nice, but do remember not to overdo it. Assuming a majority of people are superficial, I feel that the act of sending a message already implies you have some level of potential attraction. You don’t want to give off the impression that your target is “such a hottie” that it’s the only reason you are reaching out. Show some stronger insight that you were interested in their personality or their hobbies instead.
My ideal conversation starter is usually a short paragraph. Enough for the man to introduce himself, and say a brief “I’m new to town and I saw that you love CrossFit, too. I’ve been looking for a new training center around town. Do you have anywhere you recommend?” All at once, I have his name, an interest I can connect with, and a question I can answer.
Think outside the box and figure out what you can say or do to make your message conversational right from the get go. What type of message would most intrigue you to reply? Send that.
APR
About the Author:
Rebecca is a late 20-something, still in the "dating as a young professional" phase of life. She enjoys soccer, travel and fitness and is currently accepting boyfriend applications, should your [brand name dating site] attempts be unsuccessful.