Online Dating Blog

You’ve talked to your potential date for days, weeks, or sometimes months on the dating website. Maybe you exchanged numbers and spent time texting each other. Then, you get the invitation to lunch, dinner, or maybe just coffee. You’re a little apprehensive…and rightfully so. You set up your profile in the hopes of meeting that someone special. Yet now that it may be happening, many thoughts run through your mind. One of those thoughts is whether or not this person is who they say they are. You don’t want to be a missing person, but you don’t want to pass up meeting what may be your future spouse. The good news is that there are things you can do to increase your safety.

Have a safety call in place

At least one person needs to know that you are going out to meet someone. It really doesn’t matter that you met this person online. Even if you meet someone at the grocery store and agree to a date, someone needs to know where you will be, what time you will be there, and when you anticipate leaving. This person should know the name of your date.

Once you meet with your date, you can excuse yourself to the ladies room after a few minutes of polite conversation. Text or call the person who knows you are on your date to tell them what your date is wearing. While this may seem a little morbid, it could save your life.

Honestly, you don’t have to talk in code or leave the table. If your friend calls to check on you, you can answer your phone at the table and if you are fine, tell your safety call that things are fine. There should be no shame in your safety game, but it’s okay if you do feel like you should take or make a call away from your date.

Your appointed one should call you approximately half way through the date to check on you. When you leave, let them know…and let them know when you arrive home.

Meet in a public place

First dates should always be in a public place. In fact, until you really get to know your date you should make sure every date is in a public place. Private residences or private facilities can be dangerous. To quote a popular movie, “No one can hear you scream…” Public places offer a level of safety.

At the end of your date if you feel unsafe, ask the manager of the establishment (or security if available) to walk you to your car. Take an alternate route home. Always be aware of your surroundings.

Drive yourself to and from your date

Turn down any arrangement that involves your date picking you up from your work, home, or other location. A couple of years ago I made the mistake of allowing a date to pick me up from work. I ended up stranded at a movie theater since I didn’t want to have sex with him.

You are not under any obligation to invite your date to your home on your first, second, or even tenth date. In a new relationship there is no reason why they should know your address.

Don’t leave your food or drink alone

I taught this valuable piece of advice to a room full of criminal justice students last summer. One of the students is the guardian of his younger cousin. The next week he returned to class and told me something very scary. She asked to go to a party. He had warned her to not leave her drink unattended. She did. He received a call from the hospital because someone had slipped something into her drink. So, yes, this still happens. Don’t presume you’ll be able to taste the difference in your food or drink if tampering occurred. Be safe. Don’t leave your consumables unattended. By the way, the girl is fine now. She was only 16 years old.

Bring money with you

Your date may be paying or maybe you are splitting the bill, but bring extra money with you. If you end up tipsy or stranded for any reason, you will have money to call a cab to take you home.

Don’t share your personal information

This is a first date. It’s not planning for your wedding. Your date does not need to know your middle name, address, mother’s maiden name, or any details about your living situation or about your children. The Internet allows people to be anyone they want to be. Never share personal information with someone you barely know. You may feel a connection with this person, but remember that people are able to scam and manipulate others because of their ability to produce a connection.

Trust your gut

If you feel like something isn’t right, then leave. You are under no obligation to spend time with this person. You have the right to excuse yourself and leave.

Ask open ended questions

The purpose of dating is to get to know the other person. Ask open ended questions that require more than a yes or no question. Listen and watch for red flags that could indicate that this is not a person would be able to create a healthy relationship with you. Take the time to really listen to their answers and ask clarifying questions. Red flags are anything that leave you feeling concerned, trapped, or questioning the sanity or motives of your date.

There does not have to be a second date

If you are uncomfortable for any reason, you are under no obligation to go on any more dates. You have the right to end the date at any time. You do not have to put up with any rude or abusive behavior online or off. Do not allow the person to guilt or manipulate you into doing something you do not want to do.

If traveling to meet your date, make and confirm your own hotel reservations

Do not tell the other person where you are staying. It’s easier than you think to talk your way into receiving information about a person. Keep in contact with a trusted friend or family member.

Know how to defend yourself if necessary

Most often the worst thing that happens on a first date is that you don’t hit it off with your date. If, though, the unfortunate occurs you should know how to defend yourself. Scream as loud as you can and if in danger aim for the face. You can hit, pinch, bite, or scratch. Just get away and get help. If you make the person bleed, don’t let that deter you from getting away. You have to be your own hero. Ink pens make good weapons of self-defense in a pinch. Sadly, surprise head cases can and do happen. It’s vitally important that you are able to protect yourself.

You are in control of your online dating and any relationships that result with or without it. You do not need to provide personal information until you feel ready. You can remain as anonymous as you want until you are ready. You do not have to provide your phone number, email, or instant messenger ID to anyone at any time. Take advantage of the communication features offered by the dating website.

Online dating can be a wonderful thing, but predators do exist. Always trust your gut and don’t be afraid to say no or even block someone on a dating site. While you may feel like you know this person, remember that they are still a stranger. Like anyone that you would meet at any other venue, it is important that you take time to get to know them and not necessarily trust that they gave a true representation of who they are through their dating profile, emails and messages.