Online Dating Blog

Some of my most popular articles are in regards to women who are struggling to get the man that are dating exclusively to take their Match.com profile down. This is driven in part because Match shows the last time someone was active and will also show when they are currently online.

For most of the cases in the article mentioned above, a man and woman have committed to date each other exclusively but then the guy won’t take his profile down. But what about other cases? In this article, a reader wrote and asked the following:

I’m on Match and every woman I have met where I have had more than one date with wants to be “exclusive”. Two times now, I have told them I could not go out and they caught me at home on Match. Both times they have sent me a message via Match stating “this is what I thought”.

I never told them we were exclusive and frankly it’s a real problem. Why does Match not allow you to turn that function off and 1) not tell others you are currently online and 2) not tell others when the last time you were on the site. It’s frankly like a big brother service. I do not think it is anyone else’s business when I get on or the last time I was on.

Issues with the Last Online Information

So clearly the last online status creates issues. And let me say, if you’ve committed to someone to date them exclusively then you should stand by it. The Match.com feature might be why you got caught, but in that case it’s not actually the “problem”.

However, to my reader’s point, why have this? Or why not allow it to be turned off?

The Benefits of the Last Online Status
Let’s keep in mind that Match.com is motivated to let people know when others are online because it encourages sign ups (if I see a woman I like and she’s been online in the last 24 hours, I’m more inclined to subscribe). So I don’t think their intent is to be big brother – they want to be a successful business.

Also, I used the Last Online status very frequently when I was dating online: if she hadn’t been online recently I was much less likely to contact her. So in many ways, I like the feature and I’ve seen people complain when other services don’t have this feature.

Avoiding Hurt Feelings for Being Online
I think there is a way to address my reader’s dilemma. Just as I encourage women to communicate if they want to be exclusive, it is also very helpful to be clear when you’re not looking to jump into a relationship. I think a big issue on both sides of this problem is not communicating what you want and assuming the other person is thinking the same thing you are.

Using my experience as an example, I was dating several women at a time for several months, often with more than one first date every week. My approach was to let any woman know on the first date that I was dating actively and while I wanted a long-term relationship, I wasn’t rushing anything. I would let them know that I did have other dates planned and the only reason I was mentioning it was I wanted to be as honest with them as possible.

I would also explain that for a long time I only dated one woman at a time, but after spending a lot of time for a few bad dates, I changed my strategy. I would explain that I was trying to improve my odds by dating more people at once.

By explaining this, the women then understood why I was online. This conversation doesn’t always go great, but I was still glad they heard it from me instead of seeing me online. So if you share my reader’s problem above, I’d recommend at least trying this strategy.

Are We Exclusive?
As I said above, I think we have an issue where we don’t communicate very well and that leads to a feature of Match.com creating lots of arguments! To sum up my thoughts:

• If you’ve not had a conversation about being exclusive, I’m not sure that you’re in a position to be angry if you see the person you went on a date with using the online dating service. I’m sure there are exceptions, but my general rule is if I’m going to be in a committed relationship, that’s only going to happen after we talk about it.
• At the same time, I think it’s a kindness to recognize that not everyone is going to look at the world this way. So it’s equally as important to let your date know that you are actively dating multiple people if that is your case. If you have a hard time bringing this up, just talk about some of the struggles you’ve had with online dating and allow this to lead into the approach you are currently taking.
• Finally, if you have committed to be exclusive but you’re still using the dating service, don’t be upset if you get “busted” because of this feature! Well, if you get upset, just be upset with yourself for not showing fidelity.

In none of the areas above do I see the “Last Online Status” in itself being a problem. It does create fights but if everyone can avoid making too many assumptions and also try to communicate what they’re thinking, things can go well regardless of your online dating strategy.