Do Successful Women Have a Harder Time in Online Dating?

Posted by: Brad

I realize there are many conversations about men being intimidated by successful women but I’ve not talked with too many women about this subject. However, I recently received the following email:

I have what may be a unique question that I really need help with! My problem has to do with online dating and sharing my occupation. I will get a wink or an email from someone and the guy and I will email back and forth several times, it seems comfortable and we’re ready to set our first date. When he asks about what I do for a living, I tell him, “Psychotherapist” and 99.9% of the guys immediately stop writing me.

Any advice on this? I don’t believe in lying but I also want prospective daters to know that I really don’t psychoanalyze my dates! I guess on the other hand, by my telling guys the truth about my profession, I am weeding out the insecure guys perhaps?

And here was my response to her:

That sounds like a bad reason to stop talking to a woman to me…I’m sure some guys are insecure but I’d never expect 99% to respond this way. I will say that it seems that many women deal with men who “disappear” so I wouldn’t assume all men are doing so because of your job (although maybe they are). I understand what you mean about weeding out insecure guys but I can kind of see an argument for possibly changing your approach as well.

For example, I didn’t talk much about video games in my profile even though I enjoy playing them. I didn’t want women to think I was a couch potato even though at that point in my life video games were a pretty big part of how I spent my time. So normally on the first or second date I’d bring it up with the thought that by that point they should have gotten a feel for who I was and wouldn’t be bothered by it. On one hand, it would have been more honest to talk about video games earlier when discussing how I spent my time but on the other hand, I didn’t want people making assumptions about me.

So I’m totally supportive of continuing to tell them early on that you’re a psychotherapist but I’d also support holding back on the details until they get to know you a bit better. I understand not wanting an insecure guy but it might be that the vast majority of men are going to be intimidated by the idea of your profession, even when they are secure in life in general. Maybe start out with telling them you’re a therapist instead of a psychotherapist and then get into the details as you get to know one another? I know it’s not as honest as you’d like to be but I also don’t think anyone would accuse you a being a liar with this approach.

The Problem with My Advice

As I’ve thought about it, I’ve just not been able to become fully comfortable with the advice I gave this woman. It’s not that I think this advice can’t help; I think it might. It’s more that I didn’t spend 8+ years of my life working hard, studying and making sacrifices so I could be a video game player. Something feels wrong about trying to hide an accomplishment. Would a man also need to hide or tone-down this accomplishment to find success?

So I’m not really writing this article to offer advice, but instead I’d like to see if there are successful women out there who can speak to this topic. Is this something you’ve seen when dating online? Or do successful women not have this issue when dating online and could this just be a case where a very particular job scares men off?

If being a successful woman does create issues, is it better to hide that success or is it better to deal with a very low number of dates until you can finally find a man secure enough to move forward? Have any women found an approach that works well that they could share?

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

25
JUN

About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

Dixie June 26, 2012

Hmm, while I don’t belong in the “successful” women category in terms of monetary reward and job hierarchy, I’ve accomplished a lot to be proud of since immigrating to Canada, and to some men, that is unappealing. They want the naive ESL immigrant who they can mold. When I arrived, I immediately started dating and the man I found was very abusive who tried to mold me by telling me about Canadian society. By telling me how to act in Canadian society, he kept a pretty good grip on me, until many years later, I broke free.

Today, I have an MBA but I don;t mention it because I don;t want people making assumptions of me, esp since I am not the type A jerk most people associate MBAs with, and neither do I have the wealth and job status generally associated with the degree. It’s with time that people get to know that I am not that way. But in the beginning, when men find out I have an MBA, they immediately make assumptions. It’s unpleasant and makes me squirm in my seat. I generally do not downplay my education but I don’t bring it front and centre. I try to steer the conversation to hobbies and interests. There are some men who immediately ask that question and then I find myself having to answer it. I just wish I didn’t for the reasons above.

At the end of the day, I am unsuccessful in this online dating. I can’t seem to talk on the phone or meet in person. Most guys disappear after a few emails.
- Susan November 17, 2014
  
  After losing several dates and conversations to guys who are intimidated, I now put my credentials on my online profile clearly… several degrees in science (through a PhD in a “hard” science), and a multi-sport college athletic career. I don’t really care if a date or boyfriend has multiple degrees (I do screen for a minimum of one). If they are not confident enough to deal with that, they are usually not a good match. I know it tends to drive a lot of guys away, but I think the overwhelming majority of those folks were not good matches anyway. I have had successful long term relationships with a guy with a two-year degree, and another with a PhD. It is not their education level, but their confidence and other qualities that determine the best matches. Own your accomplishments. Be Awesome. Someone will love you for it 😉
Alex June 26, 2012

Hi,

I can relate to this individual. I spent 9 years in post-secondary education. My specialization is terrorism, intelligence, and war strategy. I also work in federal law-enforcement. To be honest, I used to blatantly lie to men and tell them that I was Block Buster retail associate. One day a friend and I were being chatted up by a fellow and my friend said, “No. Tell him what you really do.” I did and he went quiet. He eventually slipped away! Later that night I saw him again. Curiosity crept in and I asked him point-blank, “Why didn’t you speak to me further?” His answer spoke volumes and resonated with me deeply. “I’m intimidated by your successes and I have nothing to say or offer you. Sorry.”

Do I still tell people I’m an associate of Block Buster? No, but do I tell men what I do – NO.
.
- Christine July 30, 2012
  
  Alex,
  
  FBI? If so, I’m considering that path (and would love to talk more about it via email, if possible). Anyhoo, I’m about to graduate law school. It’s hard enough being a law student and dating. I can’t imagine how men would feel with me carrying a gun. I think it’s badass and sexy, and I’d totally date me. Haha. But, not too many men seem interested despite the fact that I have my shit together.
Brian June 27, 2012

I think they may be worried about the fact that you will constantly be analyzing their thought and how they feel about you… Some may think that every time that you’re out for coffee he may feel like hes laying on your chair? I strive to find a woman that is proud of what she does & I have no problem with women analyzing me, because if they do, then they may know more about me than I do & are still sticking around… which is a good thing in my book.

Most men want insecure women that they can control, or just an easy target, pretty arm candy etc… Then there are men like me that are looking for the future, a woman who is smarter than me and passionate about what she does, so I can learn something. A woman that enjoys the things that I like to do… And even a woman that can be crazy & fun as well as act like a proper lady in the right setting… This is hard to find, but I will keep looking…

Good luck!
Travis June 28, 2012

Just putting this out there, but I almost wonder if one of the things going on with some men and successful women is a fear of failure. Not because the man’s potential mate is more successful than him making him feel like a failure, but more that a man would be afraid of not being able to attract a more successful woman.

For example, I read an entry from this site a while back about how “less attractive” women seem to get more responses from men. Let’s say a guy sees a girl with an Master’s Degree who has been to fifteen countries, speaks six languages, and was in the running for the Nobel Peace Prize. He looks at his own accomplishments–Consuming the macho-gargantuan burrito at the Mexican restaurant up the street, Power-leveling his Dark-Elf Warlock to level 80 in a week, and the ability to make fart sounds with his hands–and probably thinks that she’d probably ditch him for some other guy who’s just a wee bit more successful than he is. For aught he knows, she might just be into that kind of thing, but he doesn’t want to try because he probably feels like he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell at this girl being interested in him.

Case in point, I was poking around on Match about a week ago when I found a girl that I thought was interesting. I read through her profile and all was great until I discovered that her income was $100,000 to $150,000. My knee-jerk reaction was “Nope. Not interested.” It was terrible of me.

I think this is what was going through my head:
1. God, that’s a lot of money. I make $38,000 on a teacher’s salary. Not even half that. She probably won’t even touch me. (I never bothered to look at what income she was interested in).
2. She probably only likes going to the expensive places where they serve wine that costs more than my car. There’s no way I’d be able to keep someone like her happy without being a moocher or coming across as one. (Because there’s no way possible that she’d ever like to go to the Waffle House or anything like that).
3. She’s probably a snob. Anybody who makes over six figures has to be a snob. (Just like only men play video games, only republicans live in the south, and everyone who goes to a gym is a meat-head ‘roid monkey.)
4. There’s probably all sorts of guys who would be tons more successful at getting a date with her than me. (Guys who, for example, write as if they failed third grade English, who send form letters to girls, who like to photograph themselves taking muscle poses in the mirror, and guys who have an affinity for emailing girls pictures of their meat-sticks.)

Long story short, those were all unfair and childish reasons for avoiding someone (not to mention being based on unfair stereotypes), and I resolved to go ahead and send her a message once I activated my subscription. Worst thing that she can do is not message back.

Still, maybe there are guys that see successful women online and make unfair assumptions about them without really getting to know them. It takes a lot for someone push through their own prejudices to see what someone is like deep down, and the human race as a whole doesn’t exactly have much of a track record when it comes to doing that sort of thing.

Oy, that ran a bit long, didn’t it. Sorry ’bout that.
- Mary July 6, 2012
  
  Don’t worry about being overlong in your post, Travis. I loved it. It made me laugh.
  
  I am a doctor who was married to an auto mechanic. I loved him dearly. Our incomes were extremely disparate, but that was never an issue. He was fun-loving and adventurous. He was magic to me. Now that he has passed, I find that my career is an extremely sensitive issue to the men that I would like get to know. Most make the very same assumptions that you have put forth …. that I must be a snob, high-maintenance, naturally picky etc. I do find that I have to work very hard after mentioning the career to convince a man that I really am just a regular person who is successful because I do what I love and have the fire and passion for it. I will never apologize or hide what I do. I do not need a man to support me, but I would love to have a good companion. If a man disappears after I mention the career, I assume that it wasn’t me: he doesn’t just doesn’t value himself for what he thinks he can offer.
  
  I do appreciate your insightful comment.
- John August 8, 2012
  
  Travis, your letter was awesome! I immediately identified with it. I think our societal norms have conditioned us to believe that the man should be the primary breadwinner in the household and that anything less is unsatisfactory. So mentally, it can be challenging to get past that.
  
  I worked in manufacturing for many years and then had an opportunity to return to school and get my Ph.D. As I looked at getting back into the workforce, again in a career that is not high paying, and also into dating again, I noted there are more and more women who are high achievers financially. Now I am a pretty confident guy but must admit that when I see women who earn $100,000+ and/or have traveled to many foreign countries I do find it off putting. I am very open to experiencing new things but my one experience with super successful woman was a huge turn off.
  
  I had a brief relationship with a women doctor and all she talked about was how much money she made, how big her house was, how over the top everything in her life was, etc. I knew I could never keep up with her financially, (a guy likes to feel like he’s pulling his own weight financially, or am I sounding a little old fashioned here?) but the bigger obstacle was her personality being all about money and her great lifestyle that I felt I had to live up to.
  
  I was grateful to read Mary’s response. Now I know there are some women out there who believe there are far more valuable contributions that just money. So I will rethink my position and will not immediately rule out the high financial acheivers. An interesting note was that one of my Ph.D. professors was also a woman and she commented that women who obtain a Ph.D. had a much harder time of ever finding a mate than someone with a lesser degree. I would have thought it would be a great accomplishement to bring to a relationship but now I am starting to see why it could also be a problem.
Jamie July 2, 2012

As a guy living in the DC area I consisently run into girls online that seem to be very successful. Every girl seems to have a great job, be a world traveler, have lots of exciting hobbies, and I’ll be honest, I find it very intimidating. I tend not to message those girls. I think just like what one poster said, “what do I have to offer her”. As successful as that girl is, I have noticed they tend to be looking for somebody more successful. So my question for the successful ladies is what are you looking for in your guys? I don’t mind being with somebody that is more successful than me if I know she can be happy with somebody like me. So maybe focus less on your successes and more on the goals and interests you want in a man.
Susan July 2, 2012

I think it is an issue. I have a PhD and men often seem a bit intimidated by that. They make comments about smart I must be. The other issue that comes up is that men eventually ask me about my ex’s occupation. He is in a high profile job and I hate revealing that because they are overly impressed. Having said that, the reality is I am looking for certain level of intelligence and success in the men I am seeking although income or number of degrees doesn’t actually have all that much to do with it. So it is a issue but the reality is that I’m not sure I would be interested in someone who was that easily intimidated. It does narrow the pool however and I share your writer’s frustration at times.
Dustin July 13, 2012

In most cases, my thoughts are close to Travis’ in that I’m more worried about a successful woman not being interested. (More worried about my own perceived inadequacies.)

Also, I have this vision in my head of all successful women having a great clean car and immaculate house. I’m not sure why, but as a messy person myself (not in terms of germs), I feel like I’ll be embarrassed if she ever comes over to my place.

I dated a woman with a PhD (though I made more money than her because she just received the degree, and I’ve been working as an engineer for a few years). However, she was the one who initiated contact with me, which automatically pushed me past the worry of her not being interested.

I was still a bit turned off by the fact that she was more educated, but specifically because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up with her, or that I would make myself look foolish and uneducated by comparison. (Which ended up not being a problem.)
We lasted 4 dates and the chemistry wasn’t there. I still think highly of her as a person.
leslie July 23, 2012

Hello,
I completely relate to this thread. I have been doing online dating off and on for the past few years and have found that once i really talk about my occupation, things go sour. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist and I have found that the more insecure men ask me immediately,” So, are you going to analyze me.” Some will simply stop talking to me, others will pretend they want to have a smart girl, but never actually call and then others will go out with me. BUT….

Here is how my dating history has looked this year: I meet them online, we talk for a few days and then we meet in person. We go out and have a really good time. ( I have had three senarios that have been nearly the exact same thing). I am not just saying that because I had a good time; it was reciprocated. All three men (at different times) took me out to dinner, spent hours with me, 6 hours to be exact: one even stayed out with me until midnight even though he had to be on a plane at 4 am for work. We talked, laughed, flirted, innocent touching, hand holding and appropriate kisses. Not a single one of them asked me to come to their place or went beyond a kiss. They didn’t push for anything, so clearly they were not trying to get laid.
The last of the three is where I am the most upset and cant seem to get over because I am so confused. We had the greatest date, dinner (closed the restaurant down) and went to get a drink after. We had only corresponded a few emails before me met. When i met him after 5 minutes i was hooked; he was exactly what i was looking for. I obviously did not tell him that. We both laughed pretty much the entire time. We shared fun stories, we didn’t go too deep about stuff, but we shared quite a bit. Turns out we have a very similar life. He even has a master’s degree; he is the first man who i have met who has the same education as I do. He makes a ton more money, but we have the same education. It was literally the best date i have had in 7 years. After the date was over, he walked me to my car, he embraced me and held me for an extended hug and told me how much fun he had. I said i did too and asked if I would see him again, he said, ” yes, definitely.” That was the last I heard from him. I waited a week and sent a light text and got nothing. I waited a few more days and sent one more innocent email, that I thought was clever and not pushy. NOTHING. Any ideas??!?!
I know that most men have found me intimidating. I am attractive: fit, 5 ft 6, long blonde hair, i am very acitve, have a master’s degree, a successful job and lots of tattoos. So why is it they can go out with me, have a great time and then disappear??
I am about ready to give up. I refuse to lie about what i do. Oh, also, i used to work in a male prison doing therapy, is that scary?
Please help!
Melissa July 30, 2012

I agree. I am dating online and I do not mention what I do in my profile. I mention that I have “a career that I love”… that causes me to travel domestically and internationally. I work as an inventor. I find that when I mention that in person it’s usually a big deal, lots of interest (when in reality the job itself isn’t that exciting!) and I try to steer the conversation elsewhere. Quickly.

I am starting to think I scare the hell out of my dates and I don’t know what to do about it. I am an extrovert. I am in an improv troupe. I am outgoing, blonde, in good shape, lots going on. I try to screen out the men who seem like they would be intimidated, but it doesn’t always work. I have fun on the dates because I could have fun anywhere, but ugh…yet to meet someone who connects.

To answer Jamie’s question…I am looking for a man with simple zest and passion for life in general. Someone who wants MORE out of life than just existing. Someone who pushes themselves to learn more, do more, achieve more. And none of that has to do with $$$, really (though $$$ can come from it)…it has to do with life enjoyment. That being said, I can’t date a guy who can’t afford to take me out. To date, you have to be able to take a lady out. I don’t care where, really. But you need to be able to put together a plan and take me out.

Let me ask the men a question: Why is it so hard to put together a plan to take a lady out? Also, why love looking at hot, successful chicks (like models or movie stars or athletes) but you can’t hang with the therapist? huh.
- William March 30, 2015
  
  A plan for a date is pretty much a minimum requirement I would have thought? That’s the premise I’ve been working on? Show some basic organisational skills and an ability to drive and pay for dinner at least. Sorry for you that you’ve been meeting men incapable of even that. I can only apologise on behalf of my fellows.
Suzanne Marie Stuart July 30, 2012

Dear educated women and men:
Thank god I found this comment section today! Really, just started to go online for the first time ever last weekend. Wroteva nice detailed profile and was shocked at the reception. I thought it was just me. If you have an education, have had good jobs, traveled, speak more than one language, the men just aren’t interested. I did not know the rules of the game…how much I should disclose, and I was vague, even came across as shy. Avoided using sexually charged labguage or images to not play that game.
Successful women seem to be in the same bindthat we were in junior high…hide that you have a brain…hide that you have a talent…hide your whole personality lest you scare the boys away. That’s exactly how I felt last weekend.
BTW, don’t men know that saying they have no rhythm, cannot dance, etc., is a deal breaker in this age of FSOG?
And, why do they claim a height and weight and then show themselves in a pix with a dog, car, table, that by virtual calculation, shows how far they have strayed from the truth? I don’t get this dating system at all.
Suzanne Marie Stuart July 30, 2012

Sorry for the spelling errors folks. Paralyzed and using technology to try to communicate. Haven’t gotten the hang of this yet either.
kim January 3, 2013

Yes, I 100% agree with this. I was told directly by one guy, he would never feel comfortable a women making more. If I continue to see any of the guys I met on line, after I invite them to my home their attitude changes. They asked me for loans and even asked me who made all the money me or my ex? Unbelieveable, but true.
I long to find a honest, sincere, family man who knows I am independent women who still wants to be treated like a lady. I truly feel like moving into a cheap townhouse, selling my car and then try my luck at dating again. If something sparks and I do find the love of my life and marry. I guess, I could always surprise them afterwards.
William March 30, 2015

Interesting discussion. Having been dating for a few months perhaps I can offer a perspective.
I’ve met all sorts of women and they’re all different. Some high achievers will want to meet likewise, and others don’t care about their dates money or status. Likewise, some low achievers will want a way out of poverty and others will just want a connection. Every person you meet is different. You CANNOT tell anyones motivation from a profile on a website or even after a couple of messages. People are individuals, what drives them you cannot possible understand without getting to know them and meeting them. Only a fool would make assumptions based on a few words on a website. You have to get to know them and find out what they are really like. Do not be put off if you want to approach somebody, just because you perceive they have a higher or lower monetary or societal status than yourself. You’d be a idiot to do that.
James April 30, 2017

Lots of great comments here. In general I’ve had problem finding women who don’t put on the “don’t be too clever or successful” act, which is a turnoff. I have a Psy.D. and am good at what I do, and I’m sure there are women who are the same, who’d like a partner on equal footing to explore, have fun and share life with. Maybe I’m on the wrong sites.

To the other commenters, be confident in yourself and proud of what you do, there are people out there looking for people with the qualities you embody. In the end it isn’t the $$$ that determines the quality of your relationships, or the education. It’s the person you are with the other person, as a couple.
Kell January 16, 2018

Hi:)
Your advice to this woman (after giving this some thought) passed the “what would I say to a friend in the same scenario” test with me. I would certainly tell a friend to try out giving a general gist of what they do, not be too specific, filling in the details later. I too suspect some men are put off by the fact I am doing a degree in IT and work at a university (am on a path to do my Masters and teach at the same University too, which is something that excites me). I refuse to dumb myself down as I want a man who is proud of what I do and can achieve, anything less is just not acceptable. I am still single (lol). Sometimes this is ok, sometimes it is not and I feel lonely. It seems to be part of the journey.

I have tried changing my age (*48) on a dating site previously (just to see if this attracted older/different men, as I kept attracting younger men,ha ha! – it didn’t make a bit of difference and I decided it was more awkward to tell the truth later anyway. I researched how to write the best profile and have a few nice pictures. I still get plenty of guys just dropping off, no explanation. I think we just have to accept the challenge to our egos and reason that they probably weren’t going to work out anyway.

Putting myself ‘out there’ for online dating, I had to accept that I may well have my feelings hurt, feel vulnerable, and i will probably make mistakes. I have, it does and I do. But I have learned a lot about myself and what I want along the way:)
Nigel February 26, 2018

I am a man and I have dated lots of women form all sorts of backgrounds. I once dated a homicide detective. I have never been put off by a woman’s profession. I do like women who have a degrees and a career.

Subscribe to Comments

Online Dating Blog