Online Dating Blog

A reader recently contacted me about determining the “right” time to date again after her husband had died. Specifically, she was looking to know if she should give it a try or if that would be a mistake. Here is the basic idea from her email:

My husband passed away some time ago and I’m starting to consider dating again but I’m not sure if online dating would right for me. I’m not sure if I’m ready. Can I sign up for one month to see if it is what I’m looking for? I’m not sure how I’ll feel when I meet new people and I want to be fair to them. I’m confused about what I want at this point and I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone.

I’ve never personally experienced losing a spouse so my advice here may be lacking, but I’ll give my opinion. I have talked with many people about the struggle of deciding when to date for different reasons so hopefully some of that experience will be helpful.

So When is the Right Time to Date Again?
To me, when you lose a spouse, it’s a personal issue in regards to when to start dating again. No one can tell you when it is the right or wrong time to date. There is no universal calendar that says, “On this date, it’s time to start dating again”. For some people, they may find they desire a relationship in a relatively short time while others may never date again…and in both cases that might be the right thing to do.

I think it comes down to determining where you are in the grieving process and determining if you’re ready to try. For example, one sign that you may be ready to date is if you are asking yourself questions like, “Is it okay for me to date right now? Have I waited long enough? I think I want to date, but will I make a fool of myself if I do?” Are you arguing with yourself over dating again? That suggests a desire to find a relationship again. This desire doesn’t mean you’re ready for a new relationship, but it does suggest that you are headed in that direction.

Perhaps a better place to start isn’t to try to determine if you’re ready to start dating in general, but instead ask yourself if you could see yourself going on one date. Is that something you could handle? Does it interest you? Or are you afraid you would become an emotional wreck?

If you have doubts and concerns with the idea of one date, I would wait. Even just being horribly confused could be a sign to wait. But perhaps answering those questions make you feel that you are ready for one date. That is great but before signing up for a dating service, consider the risks of dating too soon.

The Risks of Dating Too Soon
You may feel you are ready to date again but I would encourage some caution and serious thought before jumping in. I’m sure there are many risks to dating too quickly after the death of a husband or wife but here are two big ones that come to my mind:

1. If you’re not ready, you may get emotional on your first dates and that could be embarrassing. As was my reader’s concern, this could be seen as wasting the other person’s time. But I see another big drawback to this: if you have a bad first experience, it could cause you to wait far too long to try again or might even convince you that you should never try again. You could create a situation where it takes much longer for you to find a new relationship once you are ready.
2. If you’re not ready, you may make poor emotional decisions. You may feel strongly enough that you allow yourself to get into a situation where you are taken advantage of. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, you may end up rejecting men/women because you talk yourself out of pursing a new relationship (as the idea may become very frightening)

So what’s the solution? How do you know if you’re moving too soon? Unfortunately, I don’t think I can answer that question in an article like this: I don’t know the details of your personal situation nor can I understand fully the pain you have gone through. My advice (which, by its nature, is rather generic) can only take you so far.

With that in mind, I’d really recommend opening up to a close friend. Someone who knows you. Someone who has been with you as you’ve gone through the pain of losing your wife or husband. This could even come in the form of a pastor or therapist.

My thought is this: sometimes when we’ve experienced a traumatic event, it’s difficult for us to judge our own decision making. Bringing in a close friend that can help us see the wisdom (or error) in moving forward is a huge help. I hope an article like this one is helpful “generally”, but when we get to the specifics of your situation, I feel you need someone who can give more personal advice.

Benefits of Online Dating
If you decide it is time to move forward, I do believe there are benefits to dating online as a way to re-enter the dating world. I would see some of those benefits including:

• You can try for short periods to see how you do. If you try it for two days and decide you aren’t ready, you can hide your profile then come back 3 months later and pick up where you left off.
• There is a lot of control in who you meet and how quickly you meet.
• It can provide an opportunity to find people who have gone through a similar situation.
• People online know you want to date. Those around you may not pursue a relationship with you for fear that you’re not ready (but at the same time you don’t feel comfortable announcing to the world that you’re looking to date again)
• If it has been a long time since you have dated, there are services that can walk you step-by-step through the process (with eHarmony being the one that comes quickest to my mind)

That said, I don’t think online dating has to be a part of finding a new relationship. I just see benefits to using one.

Having highlighted some benefits, I would urge caution when using online dating because it can present many opportunities very rapidly…with some of those opportunities being less good than others. I would again suggest that you keep a friend involved as you begin to date. Add a voice of reason to the decisions you are making. Maybe even give them the power to veto dates or to tell you it’s time to take a break. A close friend who can help in this process is priceless.

Be Aware of Auto-Renewals
My reader’s idea of just trying online dating for a month is a reasonable one. It might even be fine if you had no first dates that first month (not saying you should avoid meeting people, I’m just saying if it didn’t happen right away that might be okay).

However, be aware that all major dating services that I’m aware of auto-renew your account. If you sign up for 1 month, as soon as that month is up they will immediately charge you again and give you another month of time. You actually have to cancel your subscription to stop them from charging you again. So if you do sign up for a month, be sure to cancel your account before a month is up (especially if you discover that online dating isn’t something you’re ready for).