Online Dating Blog

Some time ago I wrote an article discussing women making the first step in communication with online dating sites. My argument was that women should be encouraged to kick off the process, even if that only entailed some online “flirting”.

In that article, my main focus was sites like Match.com where the communication is started by one person by writing an email. However, recently I had a reader ask me a question regarding women making the first move with sites like eHarmony and I wanted to discuss my thoughts I shared with her.

When Online Dating Mirrors Real Life

With dating services like Match.com, there is a clear view of one of the people taking the first step. In some ways it’s similar to a bar: a man sees a woman he is interested in and walks over to her and introduces himself.

Match.com (and others like it) can be very similar in that one person is taking a step to initiate communication. Because of this many women hesitate to make the first move as this is viewed (in some traditional sense) as the man’s job. Even the women who don’t see it as the man’s “job” worry that starting the conversation could appear unattractive or desperate.

So Who Should Make the First Step in Communicating on eHarmony?

I feel that eHarmony is very different than the process described above. As I’ll be explaining, my opinion is that women should not hesitate at all to start the communication on eHarmony.

Many of the concerns women have simply don’t apply to eHarmony, in my opinion. In particular:

• Will he find me unattractive if I start the conversation?
• Am I assuming the man’s job?

I honestly feel that these concerns shouldn’t apply to eHarmony. Here’s why:

1. eHarmony is Taking the First Step…NOT the Guy or the Girl
The problem some women have with starting the communication is that they put themselves into what is traditionally viewed as the man’s role. With eHarmony this is not the case. Why?

eHarmony is providing the matches; they are saying, “We think you two could have a nice time together.” No one person is putting themselves out on a limb. You have a match: do you want to start the communication process or not? If you’re a woman and you answer yes to that question, then go ahead and kick the process off…which brings me to my next thought.

2. The Process is Going to Be Exactly the Same Regardless of Who Starts It
With eHarmony it is really more about starting a process than starting a conversation. There are no “traditional” roles for walking through a process like this.

In addition, no matter who kicks things off, you have to go through the same communication steps. You have to answer the same question, provide the same answers, and click the same buttons. For the first several steps neither the man nor the woman are in control: eHarmony is. This is just another reason to be encouraged to contact that guy you find interesting and to not over-think things!

My Own Experience with Match and eHarmony

I’d like to think of myself as progressive and a supporter of bra-burning and what-not but here’s the honest truth: when a woman contacted me on Match.com it did feel a little odd.

Not wrong! I liked being contacted. But strange all the same. Perhaps it was just because I received a very limited number of first contact emails compared to the number that I was initiating.

Conversely, eHarmony did not feel odd. It didn’t feel like anything (aside from interesting and possibly exciting). Also, on eHarmony I had a lot more women who started the process there (which may suggest that this article is simply pointing out the obvious to many women out there).

Regardless of whether you see at as obvious or not let me end with this:

The controlled environment this service offers really does support anyone getting the ball rolling.