Online Dating Blog

Photo by Janine

Hi! I have downloaded your ebook on online dating advice and found it full of amazing information. I have tried online dating several times and met a lot of jerky people and have had little success. Your book showed me why that might be and it was VERY helpful:)

The question I have is I am shy about putting my picture on my profile. I live in a small town and I am afraid someone will recognize me and think I am a loser to try online dating. I admit that I still have reservations because maybe deep down I think it may be desperate to search for someone online and feel “less than” because I can’t just meet someone the “regular” way. I really want to try this again. Do you have any advice?

Here are my thoughts to this reader and to anyone else who finds themselves with this question.

First, I definitely understand where this reader is coming from. Unfortunately, having a good photo is one of the best things you can do for your profile…so skipping this or trying to get around it could hurt your chances.

A couple thoughts posting photos in regards to what other people might think:

• The people in your life who know you well aren’t going to think you are a loser because you’re using online dating. The way that people view us is something that is built over time. When it comes to the people who know you best, the fact that you’re looking online for a relationship isn’t likely to affect anything at all.
• It is more possible that people who don’t know you well (what I’ll refer to as “acquaintances”) are more likely to view you as a loser. I would say this is more true of singles between 20 and 25 as this age range seems to be more critical of their peers using online dating (although even that is changing rapidly as the success of services like Zoosk points out).
• A big questions still has to be answered about people who do not know you well: how are these “acquaintances” seeing your photo in the first place? We have to assume they’ve ended up on an online dating site for some reason and unless they are fans of hypocrisy their unlikely to think poorly of you.

What Is More Important to You?

So here’s what I think you need to ask yourself: is it more important to me to keep the opinion that acquaintances have of me high or is it more important to try and find a great relationship? Do you want to live your life for other people (in this case, other people that don’t even know you that well) or do you want to live your life in a way that’s going to help you the most in meeting your goals?

Honestly, I would actually argue that even your acquaintances aren’t going to think poorly of you if they found out. Just in the 3 years I’ve been running my site I’ve seen huge steps in acceptance of online dating. Also, consider this: today my little sister is 12. When she’s in her 20s and dating, she’s only going to know a world that has always had online dating. This next generation is going to be even more accepting of online dating because they’ve never known life without it. By accepting that online dating is an “okay” way to find a relationship, you’re actually ahead of the curve!

A Challenge to the Worried or Cautious

Here’s something you could try: pick a close friend or relative and reveal to them that you are considering trying online dating. If they make fun of you or say that you’d be a loser if you did so, maybe you do live in a place where you would want to not have a photo. However, if they are supportive or interested or encouraging maybe you’re not giving them enough credit. Or maybe it’s time to forget what other people might think and give yourself the best chance possible.

At the end of the day, what other people think of me could never ever, ever, ever make me as happy as my wife has. Maybe some people I know saw my profile when I was dating online and thought I was a loser but I wouldn’t change a thing. And I continue to stand by that. Even to this day, on rare occasion, I have had people laugh in my face when I tell them I run a site about online dating. However, what those people think of me means nothing compared to the idea that I could help someone else find the success I did.