Remembering to Share the Conversation

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In my last post, I discussed ways to break your way into the conversation even if your date doesn’t ask you any questions. Today, I wanted to discuss this same issue but from the other side: remembering to share the conversation.

Sometimes people are simply too excited on a date and the result is that they talk about themselves the entire night. Another thing that happens with online dating is some people, particularly men, will research ways to keep the conversation going on a first date. This is a good idea but at times these people will end up concentrating so much on asking questions that they inadvertently encourage their dates to talk non-stop about themselves.

Keep in mind that how interested your date is in you is only half of the issue. You need to be learning about your date to see if you want to continue the relationship…and answering questions they ask isn’t going to reveal very much about them to you. No matter how interested they seem and no matter how quickly they shoot questions at you, you need to make sure you’re getting in some of your own. The easiest way to do this is to simply ask them the same questions they are asking you. Alternately, ask the questions you want answered. Your date’s desire to have questions answered isn’t any more important than your desire for the same.

If you suddenly realize that your date seems quiet or that you’ve been doing most of the talking, don’t say something like “You seem quiet”. That might only frustrate them. When you recognize this problem just solve it with some questions of your own. If you realize that you’ve held a monopoly on the discussion at the end of the date, I would suggest apologizing and suggesting a second date. Something like “Wow…I just realized I did all of the talking tonight! I guess I was excited to finally be on a good first date. We should go out again and I promise to let you talk next time!”. Say this with a smile and I bet all will be forgiven.

The best first date conversations are two-way streets, often with both people interrupting and talking over one another. If any one person rules the conversation the date isn’t going to end as well as it could.

 

Related posts:

  1. First Date Questions And Conversation Starters
  2. My Date Doesn’t Ask Me Any Questions
  3. Being Boring on A Date: How to Avoid or Correct It
  4. Phone Calls After the First Date
  5. Tips for Better Conversations on the First Date

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About the Author:

Brad initially struggled with online dating but over time became quite successful using it. He met his wife using online dating and has been giving advice and helping people improve their results since 2007. He has written a Free Online Dating Guide to help others find success with online dating. You can learn more about his personal experience using online dating and running this website here.

Comments

  1. nicolesanders27  January 21, 2010

    Yeah I agree with this. One should never talk a lot about himself especially during the first few dates, unless of course when asked. Well, it is much better if you don't give further details and start to yap about your life. This goes out especially to women. Men don't want to hear all the drama in your life. So as much as possible, maintain a healthy, friendly, and sensible conversation.

  2. Brad  January 21, 2010

    Avoiding excessive talk of drama (especially for those first few dates) is a great point. I can specifically remember a first date where she was going on and on about the drama in her life and I kept thinking to myself, “If I see her again, what will I be getting myself into?!”

  3. Sparkling Emerald  January 13, 2013

    I actually got past the first date with someone, and into a very mini-relationship, but I became very frustrated that he NEVER asked me anything about myself, and when I would share something about myself, (usually after he shared something similar about himself), it would be met with awkward silence, and then he would say “Very Well”, and then turn the conversation back to himself. In fact the ONLY question he ever asked me (beyond the generic hello, how are you) was “How do you feel about me ?” When I did answer his insincere “How are you” or “How is your day” questions, he never responded with interest. He once asked me how one of my classes went, and it was a very exciting class, and I enthusiastically started relating to him about my class & his response was “Don’t get to excited about your class”. I eventually broke it off with him, because he was extremely self centered. I got a hint about that on our first date, but I thought I would give him another chance, because he might just have been nervous. (Also, I was VERY attracted to him, he was very good looking) Well, I was wrong about it just being first date nerves, and NO AMOUNT of good looks or physical attraction will compensate for narcissism. Next time I go on a first date, if I see THAT red flag again, it WILL be our last date.

  4. RENE  January 12, 2014

    Brad, I am frequently contacted by men through online dating that either wink, or comment on one of my photos or just introduce themselves indicating they are interested in me. However, I struggle to get a conversation going with them because they do not ask any questions of me. After several e-mails from me asking questions about them, mixing in comments about me or other things, I continue to get short answers or no answers and can’t keep the conversation going without it sounding more like an interogation. Any suggestions?

    • Brad  January 20, 2014

      Hi Rene – this is tricky and sometimes it’s a bad sign. You can always try something like answering an email as you normally do but then end with something like “Is there anything you’d like to know more about me?”.

      Alternately, you could try to bait them into asking questions, by saying things like “That reminds me of the time I went to Aruba with friends” (or whatever) but then giving no details beyond that.

      Out of curiosity, are any of these guys asking you out? In my opinion, short answers aren’t horrible if the process of actually meeting moves forward. Sometimes short answers online may not be the best indications of his real personality. However, if it’s short answers and you’re not getting to first dates, I’d wonder what these guys are doing…doesn’t sound like a very effective strategy to online dating to me!

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